I have known my friend for about 8 years and she's been one of my best friends. The other week I think she tried to come out of the closet to me but I was too dense to realize it. I was talking to her about my brother introducing me to this budhist guy. She was very against it. When we got to our friend's house when we were alone her friend brought up homosexuality and how I'd feel if there was a lesbian in our group of friends. I said that's fine & such. and I dont' remember the rest of the conversation because in the past couple months my friends are convinced I'm a lesbian because my dad molested me. I get turned on by guys but I'm not going to tell them that, that's just weird. The friend who was bringing up the subject of homosexuality mentioned that I shouldn't worry about relationships but concentrate on friendships- and then pointed to my friend. I went "uhh.. okay" but then we didn't talk about it at all the rest of the time, and then played a card game. I didn't think about the meaning behind her words but lately my friend in question has been touching me(not inappropriately!) a lot and staring into my eyes. I feel a bit uncomfortable but I do when there's a chance anyone is interested in me. That's another reason why my friends think I'm a lesbian- I have a guy phobia- but now I'm thinking it's more of a love phobia. I'd actually prefer there to be no sex involved in love but that's just how it is- it's how our species reproduces, but it's not needed anymore really. I can just adopt.. but I still want offspring of my own.. but yeah It doesn't make a difference.. I'm rambling now.. I don't know how to ask her if she's gay. After I ask her and she either confirms it- how do I let her know I really care about her as a friend but I'm interested in guys. I don't want her to lose interest in me as a friend if I reject her.. so I'm a bit scared I might lose a close friend. I've been thinking of ways to make her dislike me so I dont' have to reject her but I feel like I'd be lieing to her. & should I believe my friends about my sexuality? I get turned on by guys though and even dream about them. Embarrasing to say. The fact that I haven't had a boyfriend yet and I'm a virgin doesn't help. & talking about being a nun made them think so too. I know I'm straight but my friends don't. Maybe I should go out with my friend but that just might hurt her feelings because I can't imagine don't anything with her. That would ruin our friendship too when I break up with her. :\ and I really want a boyfriend, someone really tall and gentlemanly. but my standards are so impossibly high. When I try to ask one of my other friends about it(who is pretty savvy in this area) she gets offended and asks "does it matter if she's gay?" and it doesn't. I've never been good at turning people down, and I won't be caught dead alone in a room with another guy because of my phobia. I feel okay with gay guys though since they wouldn't be interested in me. I wish I could wear a mask and hide myself so no one would be interested in me. I sound very vain right now.
I'm not sure if I understood correctly - but am I right that your friend hasn't told you directly, it was through a different mutual friend? This may mean that she isn't ready to come out to you yet, or she wanted you to find out through a friend in case you are interested in her (so you know she is interested in you). But then it sounds like your other friend knows about your friend if she gets defensive about your friend's sexuality, and has been told not to tell you. From my own experience, I told a friend I liked that I wasn't sure if I was straight, and we talked about how everyone seems to know that they're straight, then I asked her if she was sure (she was) so I backed off and eventually the feelings I had for her went away and we're now just as good friends as we've always been. And another friend that I liked (I'm begining to sound quite the slut :L) found out that I liked her, but it hasn't been awkward at all and we've even discussed it etc. It seems your friend might not be brave enough to ask you this herself, so maybe you should talk to your group of friends about it (not her specifically, so she doesn't feel it is targeted at her). You could talk to them as a group or individually, and tell them that you know they think you might by gay, and although there is nothing wrong with that, you want them to know that you're straight. This would mean she would get the message that you're straight without feeling that you know about her. I'm guessing you're not asexual, as you say you get 'turned on' by guys. Maybe you could talk to a close friend about this? I know you say that it would be 'weird' and I completely understand that, and although it might be an embarrassing conversation, the best ones generally are It would probably be good for you to talk about it with someone, and maybe you should research asexuality online, just in case. You shouldn't let your friends lead you into believing you're gay if you aren't. If you don't have feelings for girls then you probably aren't. You definately shouldn't just go out with your friend because of this as it would really hurt her. I'm sure she'll be fine with just being friends, as long as you make sure nothing changes and you aren't awkward with her. Don't let her feel like she can't hug you etc. as this might make her feel awkward. I understand about your 'high standards', I think I might have the same problem :/ And the self-conscious awkward feelings when around guys will probably go away eventually, I think everyone feels like that on some level, especailly when they start out with relationships and during adolescence (although I'm not sure how old you are). Sorry that was quite a long, rambling stream-of-consciousness essay... Obviously I don't know the whole story, I'm just speculating, but good luck whatever you decide to do
