What do you do when friends and family are okay with it, your city is gay-friendly but still hanging out in the closet? All my friends know and are fine with it. My dad surprisingly was completely okay with it. My mother's disappointed and doesn't believe me. Thinks I'm doing it on purpose and told me there's no such thing as adam and steve. My therapist(who helped me successfully in all other areas of my life) tried to talk me into only pursuing guys since I only had past relations with guys and none of which went well. Her and my mom both told me I need to find a good relationship with a guy and how could I know I like girls if I've never been with one. So that had me heading back to the closet. I feel like a different person and considering how strongly straight I was raised(to a point I shocked myself more than my friends when I realized I was lesbian), I just don't feel like me now. As open as my friends are, I feel like if I'm too open about my sexuality, it feels awkward. I can't bring myself to join local groups/events because I want to hide being a lesbian. I'm also sick of it being on my mind all the time. It's like the shock hasn't worn off even though it's been six months. Has anyone else felt this way? What do I do? :help:
I've been there and done that. It can sometimes feel like a shock realizing that you aren't what you thought you were for your whole life, but it will pass with time. It doesn't help that your mom and your therapist are pushing you back in the closet. I think you need a new therapist. The hardest part of coming out is coming out to yourself and learning to accept it. You just haven't finished that part yet. Things do seem to feel awkward at first I found, but with me I found that I was the one making situations awkward, while no one else felt that way. It was all in my head. I find spending time with other gay people or joining a gay support group helps. Helped me! Good luck!
Psh, when I first came out I told my friends that I would never go "guy shopping" with them or talk about anything "gay" with them. I was just sooo uncomfortable with it that I avoided the topic at all cost. Even after I got a boyfreind. Quite ridiculous if you ask me xD That all changes with time though. Took me about a year after I came out to everyone for me to FINALLY start to completely accept who I was. Until then, try to enjoy just being accepted by your friends and keep working on accepting yourself. Give yourself some time Also, I agree that you NEED to get a new therapist. Its definitely not ok that the person who is supposed to be helping you out is going against you.
Foxywolf: Ehh with the therapist, I pretty much threw out her contact info after that last meeting with her. What she said still comes to mind every now and then but I don't feel I need to see someone at this point in general.I just didn't expect her reaction at all when I told her...I could swear her head looked like it was gonna pop right off. I'm learning to ignore most of my mom's comments. She still calls me her girly girl and thinks I'm bi in hopes I marry a guy. I figure let her think that if it makes her happy. With spending time with other gay people, I've wanted to join actual groups that meet up in the city but I feel too awkward to do so. Even if I did go to a support group, I could see me staring at the entrance thinking "I'm going in! I think I'm going in.....I'm going home." That's why I did the forum thing instead for now. TheEdend: I know it takes time, I'm just impatient about it. : / I could almost kick myself for not really seeing this all sooner. Probably would have saved myself alot of trouble. Thanks to both of you for your reply~
^This. It took almost a year for me to truly become myself. When I first came out to everyone, I still had some "Wannabe straight guy" armor on. Eventually that fell off. Now, I love going shopping with my sisters, I'm not afraid to hang a Taylor Lautner poster up on my wall, and I can just be myself. I'm not afraid to say what I want to say, because I know that if people don't like me, well then that's their loss. But this took a while and was a process. It will happen for you. And, yeah, you need a new therapist.
I'm guessing the reason you're not OK with yourself is those two women in your life who are giving you grief - to wit, your mother and your therapist. The only "change" that's supposed to result from coming out is the freedom to be you. If you've ever not said or done anything because your were afraid that people would "find out", well, now they've found out, so feel free to do them. That's it. You don't have to switch your wardrobe or behavior or music listening, or even go meet other lesbians if you don't want to. Just continue being you, but feel free to be the you you want to be. Lex
Haha thats how I was! When I first joined my schools GSA, you should have seen me! When I was signing up I signed up for three other clubs too even though the GSA was all I wanted to join. I didn't want to seem 'suspicious.' Also the first time I went to my schools GSA I walked past the room I knew it was in like five times, checking to make sure that no one I knew saw me go in the room. I was so darn nervous. I pretty much just sat awkwardly the whole time during the meeting - it felt like I was buzzing. So it's ok to be nervous about things like that. Just force yourself to go outside your comfort zone.
"...how could I know I like girls if I've never been with one..." Pretty much everyone knows which gender they like before they are able to be with someone. Did your mom have to be with a guy in order to know she was attracted to men? Nope, and you can be sure that you're a lesbian w/o ever being with a woman. I can't believe a therapist would say something so ignorant. Find a new one for sure. Good luck feeling more comfortable and keep coming here to talk
I don't know why my mom's and therapists comments are still bugging me as much as they are. I came out to my friends and parents/brother in September. Considering the positive outcome was 6.5 out of 7(my brother's homophobic and basically had a fit but later apologized), I can't stop focusing on my mother's comments. And I shouldn't considering how much I ignore the other generally idiotic things she tends to say. Not to mention, she hasn't said anything stupid about the topic since her random 'only young people are gay' comment a few months back. Apparently to her, you can't be gay once you hit retirement age.... As for my therapist, after that last visit with her(also in the fall), I haven't been back to her since. My friend who recommended me to her was disgusted when I told her what happened. But I'm not going to look for a new one either. It's like everyone is telling me: that I just need time. I mean yea, if I see years are going by and I'm still hanging out in a shoe box in the closet, I probably should go see someone. But otherwise, I'll just hold off on that for now.
I'm bi and..like..I'm okay with myself..you should honestly get a new therapist and tell your mom she can shove it, a lesbian girl can be lesbian if she wants to, how is it fair to force you to be with a guy if you can't have fun being with them? It's like...forcing a transexual to not be their target sex.
>>>I don't know why my mom's and therapists comments are still bugging me as much as they are. I came out to my friends and parents/brother in September. Considering the positive outcome was 6.5 out of 7(my brother's homophobic and basically had a fit but later apologized), I can't stop focusing on my mother's comments. And I shouldn't considering how much I ignore the other generally idiotic things she tends to say. I did a performance a couple years back. A bunch of people came up to me afterwards to say how much they liked it, and several e-mailed me after the fact to say the same thing. Only one person didn't like it, apparently - their e-mail said my performance was "tired", "boring" and "the same old thing masquerading as something different". You'll notice which e-mail I was able to quote from memory. Lex
Because my mom thinks I haven't been in any sort of relationship with a guy she assumes I just haven't 'met the right one' yet. That's not really the case and I'm not going to explain it to her. Part of it is my fault for telling her 'bi' after I told her I was lesbian. I told her that since A) I was just beginning to sort everything out and by the reactions I was getting, I thought maybe I was wrong and B) She took it a lot better so I was ok with that. In all honesty, I was kind of surprised at her after the countless number of times she joked about it. My parents used to ask me a lot why I didn't go out looking for guys or have a boyfriend. I guess since they were married by my age. But I never had any interest in it. When it comes down to it, my mom's and old therapist's comments don't really help in coming fully out. But I'm the only one really keeping myself in my own closet. I know exactly what would get me disowned, and being gay isn't one of them. It's just frustrating for me that I can't get over it. ---------- Post added 8th May 2011 at 12:07 PM ---------- Heh yea I just about do that for everything. It's like 49 good comments or reviews but the one bad one ends it all. My friends have been saying for years that I always focus on the negative.
A lesbian is a lesbian is a lesbian. You don't have to have been with a guy to know if you like them or not, sexuality is just something you feel.
It's not clean cut like that for me. I grew up with the full notion that everyone around me is straight and that I had to be. I don't even think my high school had LBGT club/group. I live in a typical old school NYC neighborhood where you'd most likely hear it in the newspaper that someone got beat up for it. It's not that I couldn't feel all those times I was attracted to girls. I -buried- it so I could be straight like I was 'supposed to'. But I was never happy with guys. I loved being friends with them and I miss the old hangouts from high school but being with them beyond that wasn't working and I couldn't figure out why. My friend goes to me one day "Did you ever think you'd be happier with a girl?" It was like a weight off my shoulders and every time I tried to reject it and act straight, that weight would come back.
