I came out to a friend of mine who I'll refer to as R, and she took it very well. She thought it was really cute and replied with an 'aww' when I told her who I had a crush on. She helped me come out to another friend of ours also, and she stuck up for gay people in general when someone at our lunch table made an obnoxious comment about how it would be horrible if I was a lesbian (it came up because I said I wasn't having any children). She's a great person and very supportive, but at times she makes little gay jokes here and there that really bother me. The one she says the most is "gay baby" every time there's an awkward silence, but there are others. I don't think she means offense when she says stuff, but it still affects me. I hinted to her once that it wasn't really appreciated, and I gave her disapproving looks every time she said it, but for some reason I feel too embarrassed to outright tell her to cut it out because it bothers me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm too shy (or something) to say anything so bluntly. What am I supposed to do? I know she cares about me and all, but the jokes hurt sometimes.
One of my coworkers (who I am out to) the other day was talking about the scheduling and said "that's so gay" meaning it was messed up. I told him outright that it offended me, and would appreciate it if he didn't say stuff like that, even though I knew he wasn't trying to attack me or the LGBT community. So yes, I know where you are coming from, as do many ECers. If you do not feel comfortable telling her to her face, text/email her and say something like "you know when you say ... it offends me. I know you do not mean it to hurt me when you say these things, but it does. Can you please try and stop saying these things around me?"
I have a friend who does this. Right after leaving a gsa meeting, we walk out to the parking lot, she sees an old boyfriend in the distance, and says "look at ___. He looks so stupid and gay". She didn't correct herself or anything. I just don't understand some people.
As hard as it is to say you are going to have to speak to her directly about it if it bothers you that much. Just tell her that you would appreciate that she could stop saying things like that because it makes you feel bad. That being said, sometimes we do have to get over the little jokes here and there. I know, its tough, but she supports you and she publicly sticks up for gay people. I don't think it gets better than that. I personally have a friend that just LOVES to cross lines all the time. Thats like his thing or something. He tells gay jokes and keeps saying "that's gay" whenever he feels like it, but he is one of the most supportive people I know. He has an HRC sticker on his car and he goes to many of our GSA meetings and events.
I don't like confrontation either. Maybe write a little note. Always something positive at first..."R, I'm so glad you know the real me. It's been great having your support but I just want you to know that I'm sure you are not trying to hurt me but, it offends me when you say...." How do you think that would work? You can do it! SC
Thanks a lot, I'll say something to her about it, maybe in a note. If nothing comes of it, then I'll just sit back and deal with it. It's not like she's purposely trying to offend me, so it's not that bad. I could handle a few jokes if it was accidentally slipped here or there, but this is a frequent occurrence, therefore it bothers me.
I got a friend that jokes about stuff like this all the time, but one thing he never does is joke in a way that makes what hes saying insulting. Hes like an older brother to me and I can talk to him about everything, even things relating to my sexuality. I was so intrigued by his ability to be 100% comfortable around me that I questioned him on a few gay sex related topics and he still remained the same person. One neutral friend of ours asks him to calm down sometimes, which I do appreciate although it doesn't bother me and the jokes are mostly targeted at me and not gay people. I can give him a run for his money too so it all becomes a little game.:lol: I think it all depends on the person and the intensity of the jokes. You have to learn to be able to see when the joke is being used in an offensive manor and when its just part of light hearted banter. Also you can't be afraid to speak up to your friend when you do feel that something is offensive to you, any good friend will talk through it with you and help towards getting some sort of resolution. Remember also that there are other groups of people that have jokes regarding themselves, like other races and people with disabilities. I think sometimes when it comes to a joke regarding the labeled group that you fit in, you can often take it offensively as if it was personal to you.
