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Whats up with this guy??

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by imnotgay, Apr 1, 2005.

  1. imnotgay

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    So there's this really hot guy in my yearbook class. he occasionally comes up behind me while im working on the computer and gives me a short (but oh so sweet) back rub. he has a gf...i saw them dancing at jr prom and he was all over her :icon_wink our yearbook class went on a trip to Topeka Kansas to tour the yearbook plant... while in the hotel we went swimming. he had just changed and came out of the bathroom (shirtless :grin: ) and told me to just change in the room... "arnt you secure in your sexuality enough?" i just replied "i am... thanks" and went in the bathroom. any way, we played marco polo and it gave me an excuse to blindly grab for him in the water :icon_razz we roomed together and while he was sitting in the chair, he just sticks his hands down his pants and well... yeah. he kinda looked at me while doing this too. and he just does other little things that makes me wonder bout him... like when im on my computer, he always gets right up next to me... REALLY close too, he's been on top of me, literally, a view times while i was playing an online game and he just came over and kinda... reached over me. today, he got up real close, and... smelled me. and big deep sniff too... very audible... and awkward.

    he's really interesting too. he's the stereotypical wigger... and im the stereotypical nerd! lol... and we're friends, imagine! but anyway... whats this guys problem? :icon_wink
     
  2. Aaron

    Aaron Guest

    I've known guys like him before. It sounds like he is somply generally secure with his sexuality, which is probably a hetero one. He doesn't see any stigma attached to two guys getting close, or changing in front of each other, or anything like that. Of course there is the small chance that he is bi and interested, but my first instinct is that he is just a laid back guy.
     
  3. goratrix

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    Ok, I don't really get the situation. Are you gay? are you not? what is it that you are asking?
     
  4. Paul_UK

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    I tend to agree with hincoq here. I realise this may not be what you want to hear if you're gay and fancy him. You don't say anything about your position or feelings though, so it's difficult to comment.

    I notice your username is "imnotgay" (i'm not gay) - which I guess is a clue. :icon_wink If this is the case then maybe you don't have too much to worry about, although his closeness is clearly making you uncomfortable. How does he behave with other guys?

    Paul.
     
  5. goratrix

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    That is exactly what confused me. For your post, you sound like you actually like this guy, and the back rubs, but your nick suggests otherwise.

    Most of my freinds, all of them straigh as far as I know, usually joke about that kind of stuff, you know touching each other's nipples, or ass. So i'm quiet used to it... I wouldn't read much into it... and well. If you like this guy... you should keep on reading this forum... there are a few stories that might help you get a litlle persepctive.
     
  6. nisomer

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    I agree with hincoq and goratrix. A lot of guys just like to act like that to be funny and are usually joking. I know many people like that...heck I do that alot! Not because I am attracted to the person, just to kid around. And they know that, and I know that.
     
  7. goratrix

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    Although, and I'm just playing devil's advocate here, there are some times when I start touching someone as a joke, and I enjoy it quiet a lot. Specially when I get tou touch someone in some nerves arround the shoulder, which I find to be a very sexy part of male body. Or perhaps when I have to practice a headlock with certain instructor, and I'm in the attacking position. Oh! that is the only proof I need that god exists... and when It's over, there's the proof that he hates me. ;-)
     
  8. imnotgay

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    thanks guys, i just wanted to know if u thought he was gay, bi, curious or something. i was jut curiuous as to how i can act around him, ya know? i do think he's hot, but im not interested... because im not gay. im bi.. but im not interested in getting involved with guys... i dont have an emotional attraction to guys... im just physically attracted to them. i could never envision myself with a male significant other...

    sorry for the confusion goratix... i hope i explained myself :slight_smile:
     
  9. goratrix

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    no problem. In fact it was kinda fun trying to understand you. However, you don't say what you decided, and I'm quiet curious... how do you plan to act arround him? And why is it that you don't picture yourself with guys?
     
  10. imnotgay

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    im just gonna go along like usual. he's a really extroverted person too, and i... well... i can be, if im in the right mood ya know? but i always just play along with whatever he does, but i never initiate anything.

    i cant imagine myself with guys because i want to have a wife and kids. i mean, i really want to meet that special lady to spend the rest of my life with and start a family (and i dont even know what i want my career to be yet, lol!). i want to love someone... but i dont think im able to love another man.

    and, there is some religion at play too... im not very religious, but i intend to save myself til marriage, and ill only marry for love... so, there ya go.
     
  11. goratrix

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    I understand you, and it's your choice to do so. So, It's good that you at least made up your mind.
     
  12. joeyconnick

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    Okay, if that's someone who's just secure in their sexuality, that is someone who is AWFULLY damn secure. I would have trouble experiencing that and thinking the guy wasn't at least bi.
     
  13. joeyconnick

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    Okay, in response to both:

    and

    I have heard countless time from young bi guys that they aren't emotionally attracted to men. And the same guys are always the ones who are heavily invested in having a family and kids.

    Sure seems related to me, and my opinion is this: we're all brought up believing the only way to have a family, and the only type of family to have, is the one with one mum and one dad and 2.5 kids, a dog, and the white picket fence. Plus being gay is gross, so of course having feelings for guys has to be equated with that other gross thing, sex. Or in this case, base lust. So, feelings for women: noble, pure. Feelings for men: dirty, "only" physical, wrong.

    That's an understandable formulation but I think it's deeply flawed, the proof of which is that there are tons and tons of two guy or two women families raising children. Hey, you can even get married to a guy if you're a guy here in 7 out of 13 Canadian jurisdictions.

    Then there's the fact that I haven't met anyone in my entire life who could have purely sexual feelings for someone without some type of emotion creeping in, which pretty much shoots down the "I only want men for sex, I could never actually LIKE them" mindset.

    So you might want to ask yourself why you can be attracted to both men and women but can only envision yourself sharing your life with a woman. My guess would be it's more because it's far more societally acceptable to end up with an opposite-sex life partner vs. with a same-sex one than it is because you lack some kind of capacity for falling in love with men.
     
  14. hawkeye

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    I know a few people like this who are just very secure with who they are. In fact, I thisk that it is these people that are the most fun to just hang around with. two buddies of mine (neither know, and both are straight, i think) we could goof off and play jokes on each other all night, pranks like i said, but back rubs are never a problem. We never'd do anything sexual, but lots of it could be considered too close.
     
  15. Quasar

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    I have a couple of friends who behave like this, but I think it's because although they know I'm gay, they are also very comfortable and secure with their own sexuality. If they go too far and I feel that they are teasing me, then a quick response and they soon stop it!! lol
    Maybe, but here’s another thought. It’s very interesting the way that most of us feel a need to give ourselves or others a label as a means of identity and a feeling of ‘belonging’, when it is these very same labels that cause us so much strife.

    Our friends and partners are chosen because we have an attraction to them – physical, spiritual or emotional – and how we feel about those friendships/relationships helps define us as a person.

    Bisexuality can come in many guises. I had a friend who had a girlfriend but also use to have sex with me. He classed himself as str8 because he felt that the sex (because it was more of a physical thing than an emotional thing) was more like a sporting activity. However, I had another friend who I had a similar relationship with who classed himself as bisexual.

    To further complicate matters, another friend decided that he was bisexual because we had a really intense (but non-physical) friendship for 12 years.

    When you talk to people about why they class themselves as bisexual, you will often find that they agree with one of TWO statements.

    1. ‘I am physically attracted to men, but I feel the need for a strong emotional relationship with a woman’ or vice versa.

    2. ‘I am physically attracted to both men and women.’

    Many gay people automatically think of a bisexual person as someone who would agree with statement 2, however most bisexuals probably agree with statement 1.

    Basically, human sexuality isn’t as clear-cut as str8/gay or bi – there are many inbetweens, and not all of them have labels. It is therefore quite possible for ‘imnotgay’ to feel the way he does irrespective of what is socially acceptable.

    I’m just a little confused by you, ‘imnotgay’. In theory, his sexuality should have no bearing on how you act around him, but then you say he’s ‘hot’ and promptly keep saying you’re not interested. The thing is, you keep talking about ‘guys’ in general, when your immediate problem is ‘the boy’. I think there’s still something you’re not telling us – but it might just be that you don’t know what it is yourself yet!
     
  16. joeyconnick

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    [I should preface this by saying from this point forward I'm definitely not addressing anything I say to the original poster.]

    Okay, first off, maybe most bisexuals you know would agree with your first statement, but I don't think you can claim that for bisexuals as a group (or certainly not without a lot more than "because I say so").

    Secondly, I just find it hugely suspicious that there's this (to me) overly-prevalent form of male bisexuality which is often described as "I fuck guys but I only fall in love and want relationships with women." Now if the reverse form of that, with guys saying "I fuck women but I only fall in love and want relationships with men" existed to the same degree, I wouldn't take issue with the "men for fucking/women for relationships" thing. But as far as I can tell it doesn't. And to me, that means that there is something specifically causing this particular form of bisexuality, and it doesn't take much brainpower to put together how homophobia functions among men and how heterosexism functions in society to come to the conclusion that there are bi guys out there who construct their sexuality as "men for fucking/women for relationships" specifically because not only do they feel it is more socially acceptable but also because they have been, as we all have, indoctrinated since birth to view men as unemotional/closed/essentially unloving in comparison to women. That is, we grow up with the extremely sexist notion that the burden of making a relationship work "naturally" falls to women, who are "naturally" more in touch with their emotions and more desiring, even, of a stable, monogamous relationship, as opposed to men who are "naturally" all about fucking around as much as possible.

    So while some guys might reasonably feel that men are good for sex but they need a woman to have a relationship and a family with, what I'm saying is that maybe it's a good idea to explore where, exactly, those feelings are coming from. In the North American and Western European context, at least, there is nothing preventing two guys from having a relationship and a family together. So the chance that these "feelings" are intrinsic to the actual guy who voices this viewpoint is, again in my opinion, extremely, extremely low.

    And I've found, generally, that it's precisely the people who could benefit from a little questioning of their own assumptions who always start complaining how no one has a right to challenge their labels. Especially the "straight" guys who, for instance, hang out with their all-gay group of friends and go partying with them at exclusively gay venues and who, if they've had a bit to drink, can sometimes be caught making out with another guy. That kind of behaviour, to me, is offensive, because it smacks of wanting to have your cake and eat it, too. "Oh yeah, I can have really hot sex with all these hot guys but I don't want anyone to think I'm a fag!" Hmmn... liking that heterosexual privilege just a little too much, huh?

    People can call themselves whatever they want but calling yourself something doesn't magically make you that thing. And the gay community's obsession with letting people self-identify to the point of avoiding challenging even the most ridiculous contradictions is just touchy-feely hogwash.

    And now I'll get off my soapbox. *grin*
     
  17. Quasar

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    LOL :smile: I can agree with what you've said! I've certainly been lucky in that I haven't had half the problems that some of my friends have with their 'bisexual' friends!!

    I also hadn't forgotten that religion was mentioned earlier - but I chose to ignore that part, as the damage done by religion deserves a thread of its own! I was wary of going too much into socio-psychological processes, so I'm glad you have joeyconnick - and explained it more eloquently than I would have!! I hope that more threads will be as stimulating as this one and act as a 'springboard' for further thought!
     
  18. goratrix

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    Wow. I really liked that post Joey. It doesn't really affect me directly, but the self-questioning is an idea I think most of us, gay, bi, straigh, or whatever, could really use a lot.
     
  19. joeyconnick

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    Thanks... glad you liked it. :smile: