Long story short (with this thread perhaps I'm looking for advice or support I dunno, any insight is helpful than none); Was suicidal. Stopped attaching myself to material objects. Asked for nothing for Christmas because I thought I wouldn't live to see the new year. Didn't apply for my Masters because I thought I'd be dead. Was the worst in January. Closest I was to doing it. Fast forward to today... I didn't do it. I'm not going to. I got better... but... because I was suicidal and didn't plan beyond, I'm graduating but I have no job, no school, because I thought I'd be dead. Everyone is getting their Masters or going on to greater things and I'm alone... I feel useless and have no prospects and I fear. Like, being messed up in the head I can't keep a job. I have no experience, who would want me etc. No longer suicidal but just alone and feeling worthless... how do I move on, I plan to apply for Masters October but what of in-beween? Life seems so long now (being suicidal you see life as short, but now that I'm not life seems to be an eternity long and I'm happy but fearful of the future) Part of me wishes that I knew what the future held for me but I guess that's not fun and God wants me to enjoy the ride but it's scary. Life is scary. I don't know what the reason for this post is but have you ever felt like life was so unpredictable and thus afraid to make steps towards it? Like, was it truly darkest before the dawn for other people? Do dreams come true? I dunno, ranting I suppose...ranting and curious about the future. Things get better? Is that true? Originally I meant this as an anonymous post but hey, pull the bandage off.
Yeah I was pretty depressed through teen years, I failed education and didn't planned or do anything. But then I got a job had experience etc. I'm jobless now :lol: but I've gained experience Yes things does get better if you want it to, and try. How old are you? what does your friends and family think??
I'm 21 Part of me wants to make them all happy and proud but Bill Cosby says "the key to failure is trying to please everybody". So I'm conflicted and confused. I want them to be happy but I want to too.
I have felt the way you do. Still do sometimes. Learning to be content with doing my best with what I have & where I'm at. Not that it means I have to stay there- keeping an eye open to new opportunities & experiences. Every one of them is that one step closer to where I want to be and hope to get eventually. But it would be sad to miss out on life in the meantime. You would be surprised at how many professionals who look like they have it all together share the same feelings, mental health issues and insecurities. You don't have to be perfect to do great things and make a difference. Best of luck to you!
i have no job experience too and about to graduate! you're not alone. i know a lot of people who jsut come right out of college without any experience. Were you apart of any clubs or volunteered anywhere? that counts as experience too. As for what to do in between. find a job if you can; even if it's part time. Even if it's at mc donalds, then do it. Take whatever you can get your hands on. If you aren't in a financial bind, then i would suggest just taking the year off and find a therapist to talk to. It helps to talk things out sometimes. I'm sure your college has a free counseling center. You can always gain experience or find an internship while getting your masters. Things do get better if you want it to get better. Stay positive and surround yourself with good people. YOu never knwo what tomorrow will bring. We will all live for many years to come. You can't expect everyday to be the worst day of your life. Bad and terrible things happen in life but good things happen in life too. as for do dreams come true? It's up to you. Dreams don't come true if you don't work for it and believe in it. For me, i made a mistake by not majoring and going to a college that i really wanted. I was too afraid to take the steps and now i lost my chance and my dream. So I brushed myself off late last year and I conjured up a new dream. I decided to ask myself what i'm grateful for and would i really change and erase what i experienced in college to start over again? My answer is no. So what if my dreams don't come true? I'll make new ones. Life isn't perfect, but i'm still here. Maybe my next dream will come true. If that fails too, then I'll think of a new dream. Once I achieve that dream, then I'll have to make up a new one anyways What I'm saying is that even if your dreams dont' come true, there's no point in crying over it. YOu can either try again or create a new dream. You need to keep on living because you never know if you'll ever achieve that dream and you want to be alive to see it through.
It's weird where inspiration will come from. I was watching cartoons one day, in an attempt to escape the feelings of depression which were centered around my uncertain future. I don't know if I felt suicidal, necessarily, but the idea of not having to deal with the future was somewhat appealing. As the show took a break for a commercial, instead of a standard "Stay tuned - we'll be right back", they had one of the characters say (which I think they simply "sampled" from an episode): "Hey, stick around! See what happens!" It was weird. Like a shot of light through my dark thoughts. "Stick around - see what happens." I decided, OK, I do want to see what happens. So I'll stick around. And I'm unbelievably happy I did. Back to you. You've indicated what "they" want. (Presumably your parents?) But you haven't given much indication what YOU want. So here's my question. What do you want? I'm assuming the answer will be some version of "I don't know" or "I'm not sure". That's fine. We didn't all know what we wanted to do at age 15, or 25, or even 35. But maybe you can start getting an idea. What interests you? What do you like doing? What brings you joy? A fun exercise for this is to get some paper (or open Word, or a note on your phone), and write down 100 things you like. Go all over the map. No matter how weird or inconsequential. If you like peanut butter sandwiches, write that down. If you like running on those people-movers in airports, write that down. No, you won't get a job (let alone a career) eating peanut butter sandwiches on people-movers. But by writing this stuff down, you'll start your brain thinking the right way. "What do I like?" Lex
Hi, and welcome to EC! First, my deepest respect to you for not only acknowledging your struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, but for overcoming the negative feelings and realizing that it *does* get better. Second, you've gotten some great advice already. I'll add one piece that I've always found useful: There's no huge rush to figure out what you want to do, regardless of what your parents or anyone else says. I know quite a few people who have tried out many different careers until they found their passion. In fact, I have one friend who went all the way through law school, finished, decided 2 months later he didn't want to be a lawyer, and turned around and went to medical school. Most people don't make that much commitment to something before changing careers but... even when you've made a commitment like that, you can still change your mind. So, for now... chill. Find a job, any job, to occupy your time. You might buy a copy of "What Color Is Your Parachute" which is an amazing reference to help you find the work you enjoy doing. And give yourself time to think about the next step. Whatever step it is, do it because *you* want to do it, not because your parents are pushing you. So you can apply to a masters program, or you can work a year or three doing something until you have an idea what you might want to go for a graduate degree in. And I think as you take the stress off of yourself to "do the right thing" and just let yourself be... and be open... you might be really surprised where your career path leads you.
If you need to occupy your time, and you can't find a job, maybe volunteering would be a good idea. It would make you feel worth something for sure, and it would give you something to do, and some experience at something. I applaud you for not commiting suicide though You handled it the right way
Holy shite. You guys are GOOD! Wow... Actually, I visited my university's volunteer groups on Friday, HOWEVER, they told me while they were impressed with my enthusiasm and desire to GENUINELY want to help others considering it's summer vacation time for university students there is little activity at the school. BUT I did get my face out there and they seemed to love me OH- The NUMBER ONE place I wanna volunteer for (that loved my excitement the most I suppose) was the faith centre of the university and they help counsel religious people who struggle with their faith and homosexuality. Don't worry, they counsel to help LGBTQ people realize God loves you, not to "change" you to straight LOL. But, anyways... Thanks for this advice and support. It's just that sometimes I feel alone and that I'm the ONLY one in the world who's making mistakes with their life trajectory. I feel sometimes that people are perfect while I am flawed...but hearing that I'm not alone opens my eyes a bit bigger. Thanks.
Glad it's got better for you, Messed_Up - it sounds like you're on the up and it is true that you are not alone. I was really bummed-out when I had to leave college because I was so ill and depressed. I was broke, my parents had no concept of what being depressed was all about (thought you could just walk-it-off, blot it out by focussing on work etc.) and it felt as though it was all over. Now I have jobs to go to, enough free time to work on the projects I otherwise wouldn't have the time for and, most critically, my health has recovered. The fact that you have been proactive about finding volunteering projects should be seen as greatly encouraging and I wish you all the best; suicide is a wholly selfish act - but volunteer work is self-less and commendable and you have triumphed over taking the permenant way-out. Good luck with your efforts.
If you would still be into it, I'd bet you could find a place to volunteer over the summer off campus, maybe like a library. Are you staying at your school over the summer?
Yeah, there are plenty of places to volunteer. A quick google search of "(your city) volunteer" usually brings up a ton of options. Feel free to narrow it down - "(your city) volunteer gay" if you're interested in working with other gay folks, for instance. Lex
I told my mom my fears and she seems supportive but I still feel like a failure... I feel like I let her down.
This might not help much, but think of everything that you'll miss if you end your life. The movies you'll never get to see, the people you'll never get to meet, the places you'll never get to see. I could go on, but I'm sure you get my point. Everything gets better in the end. I used to feel the exact same way and it just takes time. You only get one chance at life, don't throw it away.
>>>I told my mom my fears and she seems supportive but I still feel like a failure...I feel like I let her down. Well, consider. Was your mother's dream "my son getting his masters at age X, and never hitting any bumps in the road along the way"? Then yeah, you let her down. But I can next-to-guarantee that wasn't her dream. Do you feel you let yourself down? Lex
ABSOLUTELY! Just over 4 years ago I found myself in a really dark and scary place. I was coming to terms with the fact that I was gay, I was stuggling with addiction, my marriage was ending, I was struggling at work, we were going to have to sell our house and my kids were going to have to change schools. I felt it was all my fault, and that my family would be better off with my insurance money than with me. But things DID get better. How? I got some professional help. Thankfully, I had already started counselling, and it was my therapist that I called that fateful January morning. He helped me through what was the lowest point in my life. And I'll be forever grateful. I kept going to see him for almost 2 years. I also involved my doctor. I was put on antidepressant medication, and man does that stuff work. Some people really shy away from medication, but for me it allowed for a really dramatic turn for the better. A fog was lifted and I could see the world from a more positive perspective than I had in years. I worked on me. I stuck with my recovery from addiction. I knew that if I didn't do that, I'd be no good to myself, my kids, my ex wife, or anyone else I might have in my life. And then... I met someone who has changed my life and made me more happy than I ever believed I could be. We're engaged to be married, and we're both amazed that we could love someone else as much as we love each other. Things do get better. They can get better than you could ever imagine them being at this point in your life. That's what has happened to me. I could not envision 4 years ago that my life would turn out as it has - and I wouldn't have believed anyone else if they told me. But it really can turn around - as long as you remain open to the possibility that it can, and work on it. At 40 years of age, I'm still not convinced that I'm doing the right thing with my life career wise. But I'm not going ot sweat it. The rest of my life is going so well that work really is a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. Good luck, and stick with the path that you're on. It's the right one.
