Alright so here’s the deal… I sort of posted this earlier in post secret but I’ve worked it out in my head a little better, I’m absolutely in love with my friend (we’ll call her Donna). So Donna and I have been really good friends all year; she lives super close and we hang out a ton and we have overly established that we are just friends. This was all fine and good until it hit me like a ton of bricks; I love her. There has been a few instances where we have almost kissed (at least I thought that’s what would’ve happened) and then about a month ago we hooked up. Well had an hour and a half make-out with a teensy bit more. And I STILL thought of her only as a friend. It wasn’t until a week ago on a field trip that she fell asleep on my shoulder on the bus (Dramamine; car sickness meds) that I realized wow she’s everything I want. So Donna and I spent the rest of the day together and we were sitting on the steps of a building feeding pigeons and I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I took a picture and I’ve looked at it every day since. She even gives me what I’d consider hints that she might have feelings for me… like the almost kisses, her hand on my knee when I was afraid of the 3D movie (long story), the way she sometimes talks sexually to me, the way she sometimes looks at me and of course the hookup. So go for it right? Wrong… we may both be single but we are both somewhat tangled up with other girls (all following names are fake). One of my good friends Olivia has super strong feelings for Donna and they have been on and off dating for a while. She might even love her, but crap like parents and not being ready for a serious relationship keep breaking them up. So if something ever does happen with Donna, I’d be kissing my friendship with Olivia, and probably most of our mutual friends, goodbye. And then there’s my crap. Next week I am going to Pride Prom with Maggie and I’ve been trying to get with her for a while, though that probably won’t pan out so that’s probably good. She’s really sweet and cute though, but nowhere near Donna. But the big problem is Angie. We’ve been friends for years and we are almost together. Like she wants to and I keep putting her off. When we hang out we kiss and everything and she really likes me a lot. I’ve been trying to avoid anything happening with her but we kissed at Drag Ball and everything’s been snowballing from there. I need to stop it but I really want to keep her as a friend and not hurt her. I mean I let it get this far and it needs to stop, but she’s so sensitive and a lot of crap is being dealt to her right now. My crap I can get rid of and I really need to but Olivia I’m really worried about, she’s nuts about Donna. But so am I… I can’t even look at her lately without it hurting so badly. Plus her lead-ons are driving me nuts. I don’t know what to make of them. Like I got her a signed poster of God-des and She (if you don’t know who they are look them up like now they’re fabulous) and she texts me later saying she was so happy she was going to kiss me and went on to say more… It got kind of inappropriate… The other big problem is I’m totally not her type. She likes more masculine and laid back girls who have piercings and such. I’m a clean cut girly girl who’s always stressed and uptight. I’m so not the girl she sees herself with … I have no clue how much type matters to her though. Like when we’re checking out girls she tends to like the masculine ones and so do I (mostly in my case, I’ve been known to be with girls more girly than myself, though Donna is bigendered so she’s she most of the time but sometimes she’s he… She likes girls all the time though even on boy days, and yes I’m a lesbian but I can deal with the boy days for her, ze’s still hirself) However, most of the time I’ll be like wow she’s cute and she’ll be like well you’re way prettier so I don’t know. So what the heck do I do? I’m crazy for this girl, but I feel like I could lose so much by telling her. It feels as though we might hookup again and I don’t think I could handle that if she’s just doing it because there’s nobody else. Last time she kept saying this is bad, and I’d say why and she’d say because you’re Hannah. I don’t know what that means, but big surprise I don’t know what most things mean right now. But the thing is I don’t want a hookup. Yes I’d do anything to have her even for the tiny bit of time but I want way more than that. I want everything with her. Just I’m scared of losing everything too. There’s a good chance I’d lose friends, I could handle that I think but I don’t think I could handle losing her friendship and her altogether So I’m really sorry for the marathon post, so if you read all of this please help me, I really need it. I’m a love-sick mess. Thank you so much in advance.
You've both had a make out session and get on great. You like another girl but obviously not as much... Just talk to her and make it clear you want to be friends. This 'olivia' had her chances and it wasn't meant to be. People can mess around with relationships for years trying to make it work but some just don't for many reasons. You need to talk to her and explain that her and Donna didn't work and you have feeling for Donna but value Olivia and just wanted to let her know so she doesn't feel hurt by it or ear it from others. Then you need to talk to Donna and discuss all this. I won't pretend to understand women ... 22 years and your all still weird to me lol but I'd say if you can have a heavy make out session she must have feelings for you. Just a quiet sit down and say how you feel and hope she feels the same way but if not then that's ok and you really value her friendship. ^^
Ok now I am going to warn you that I am blunt and wont be sugarcoating any of this. I wont pretend to be PC or that everything I am going to say will be nice even if it is true. So that said here we go: First off stop worrying so much about who you will or wont lose. If these people are you friends then they will understand that you have to make yourself happy before anyone else. Even if their feelings were hurt they will come around Secondly remember the sad fact is that by the time you halfway through college most of these people wont be in touch any more any how so weed out the ones that cant stick through your hard times now. Third point here love comes and goes till you find the one you want to spend forever with and trust me you will think that you have a number of times before you get it right. The thing to remember here is that " What if" is the worst question you could ever have to ask yourself in life let alone in love. So take a gamble. Rejection hurts. (Trust me I have been dropped but multiple people of both genders....) but wonder hurts worse. Lastly you might not want to hear this but you are young. Mistakes will be made people will get hurt,friends will be lost, but if you can go froward always trying your best and taking each chance at happiness as it comes then you wont have regrets to look back on. Rather you will be able to smile at some of your foolish antics later on and say " At least I tried". Trust me life is rough but then again playing it safe isnt living......
