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I'm scared of coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lil J, May 8, 2011.

  1. Lil J

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    FL
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So I'm gay...on the inside. I'm attracted to guys and I've been that way since I can remember. But I used to be picked on (a lot) for being gay when I was a kid so I decided against coming out. I'm 23 years old and I've gotten sick of living a lie. I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I've even thought about suicide because of the pressure of making everybody believe I'm straight. It's fucking up my life and I hate it. But at the same time, every time I think about living a gay life, I freak the fuck out.

    I've told three people. Thankfully my best friend is one of them. We don't live together though and that makes me spend a lot of my time alone because she's been the only person to not judge me. I currently live in a place where people really look down on that. They don't even do anything about gay violence. It feels like I'm living a nightmare and I'm fucking lost.

    Can somebody please help me. I hate feeling like this and its making me live a paralyzed life. I want a boyfriend but who's gonna go out with somebody like me? I really want to know SOME happiness in this life but as long as I'm playing straight, I'll always be hating myself.
     
  2. secretstache09

    Full Member

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    Well my friend, I believe this is the best place to get some support. I have been through everything that you have gone though. A couple months ago (I'll say in from July 2010-October 2010) I was feeling just like you was, it was at its worst. One thing that did help me was this website and the "it gets better" videos. Just knowing that you are not alone, and people not only understand what you are going through, but have gone through it themselves. Me finding this website was one of the best things because it made me realize that there are so many like me and that I have a lot to look forward to. My advice? Just get comfortable with yourself. Something as simple as saying "I'm gay" out loud (by yourself of course :slight_smile:) will go a long way with your confidence. I hope I helped some(*hug*)
     
  3. Bibliophile

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    Ok first thing first dude is to remember that a temporary problem is not worth a permanent solution, so don't do anything rash. Secondly you have a support network of three people thus far. So use it. talk to them or find other ways to vent such as writing it down. Then lets look at options.

    A) Move: at your age you can move to an area that is less homophobic if that is what is needed.
    B) Realize things might not be as bad as you think: I have come out to more people then I thought I ever would recently. All reacted positively. Though people might talk trash or make ugly comments when they find out a close friend or relative is gay,bi,lesbian, etc. They tend to change their tune from my experience.
    C) Find a councilor or support group to go to: There area many groups or professionals to aid you with coping so find and use them. There is nothing wrong with getting help if you need it.

    Lastly man remember you are not alone nor are you the only person to have gone through this. There are many people that have walked this path and survived it and thrived afterwards. So you are not alone. Take things meal to meal, day to day till you get a handle on this. If you need to vent or talk feel free to message me or post it here and I will respond.
     
  4. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place for sure!

    As the others above have said, you aren't alone. There are lots of people around in the same boat, whether you can spot them or not. Seek them out by going to local support group meetings. Is there PFLAG chapter near by? Go to one of those meetings. I'm sure you'll find only friendly and supportive people there.

    If you're depressed, and you've been that way for a while, you might benefit from some professional help too. This is a bit of a hole you've dug perhaps (we all do it!) and you'll need some help pulling yourself out of it. There's no shame in that - it makes perfect sense and shows a lot of courage to ask for help when you need it. Find a counsellor or therapist that you can talk to about what you're going through. An unbiased opinion on these things can be REALLY helpful.

    It really does get better. I realized in my mid 30s that I was gay - and I was miserable in my marriage and also contemplated suicide. But I just celebrated my 40th birthday with my parents, my sister and her family, my ex wife and my kids, my best friends and thier kids, AND my boyfriend / fiance. They are all supportive and happy for me, and I've never felt this good in my entire life. There is definitely hope for you.

    Good luck!
     
  5. Lexington

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    First, let me explain something to you. I don't know exactly what you're doing now, but at age 23, I'm assuming you're done with schooling, and you've got some sort of job. So presumably you go to work, and maybe go out with friends and do stuff on occasion, and you probably have some hobbies you dabble in. And occasionally, like all people, you think sexual thoughts, but they're about guys. And you might look at porn, and if you do, it's probably gay porn.

    Guess what? You're already living the gay life. Because that's all it is.

    Being gay means one thing - you dig guys. That's it. The only difference between thee and me is that I'm out. That means people know I'm gay. And again, that's it. That's the only requirement for "living the 'out' gay life". Nothing else has to change. You don't get a pair of rainbow short-shorts and Glee-on-DVD upon coming out. :slight_smile: Now, it MAY be that there are aspects of your personality that you're scared to reveal, because it'll tip your hand. And upon coming out, these personality traits will probably come to the forefront. If you've actively kept your disco listening on the downlow, for instance, you'll probably be more inclined to blare it from the car once you're out. But that's not the same as switching personalities. You'll simply be letting yourself be you for the first time.

    The first person everybody needs to come out to is themselves. It sounds like you're at least convinced that you're gay, so that part is down. The next part is growing comfortable with it. You need to get to a place where you're cool with it and accepting of it, instead of considering it a giant burden. Because frankly, it doesn't have to be. It may be that being gay isn't accepted where you are. That doesn't mean your problem is "I'm gay" - your problem is "I'm gay in a place where being gay isn't accepted". And since you know the "being gay" part won't change, the natural conclusion is to change your location. I don't know how feasible that is at precisely this second, but it's something you can possible work towards while you work on accepting yourself some more. And it doesn't have to be San Francisco or New York - there are plenty of gay-friendly places in Florida, too. :slight_smile:

    My first bit of advice? Stick around. Read some more threads. Post some more. Ask all those questions that you always wondered about, or were too embarrassed to ask. (We even have an anonymous section if you'd rather.) The more you interact, I think the better you'll start feeling about yourself. :slight_smile:

    Lex