I've recently become involved with a girl in a committed relationship with a straight guy... effectively i am their third. They're both relatively new to the openness of their established relationship, and they wouldn't strictly be called polyamorous, as they're more committed to each other than they ever intend to be to anyone outside their personal relationship. He and I have not yet met, but the guy is very much turned on by other men being involved with his girlfriend (he loves photos of me and her being intimate), but i THINK he's not so much interested in joining us in the bedroom (which i somewhat regret =P ). I can't be sure of that though, i think they have invited men to their bedroom before. Is there anything i should be especially striving to make clear here, besides emotional honesty between us all to avoid problems? The one thing i dread is becoming a source of contention that causes resentment from one or both of them, but i trust them both to be honest with each other, at least, so that one is mostly out of my hands. Still, in such a situation, how does one bring up the importance of sexual health? i mean, it's something i like to make clear with everyone i sleep with, but they're in constant sexual contact, so any slightly risky behaviour by one could easily transfer to the other... i would feel weird about asking him anything since we've never even met, though, and i don't want to sound as though i'm distrusting of one of them more than the other either, so i don't know how to do it properly!
First and foremost, you need to make sure that he's cool with this. I'm assuming you're in contact with him via e-mail or text, since you say he "loves" photos of you and his girlfriend. It might be a good idea to meet him just to verify that everything is aboveboard. People DO lie - and sometimes go to great lengths to make a lie seem genuine - if there's sex on the other end. Other than that, the main thing is to be exceptionally careful. Obviously, you're going to need to keep your emotions in check. You are the "guy on the side", and thus your needs will always be considered after theirs. You're going to need to open and free of jealousy enough that you can and will operate pretty much solely on their schedule rather than any of your own. Also, threesomes are often fraught with peril. Anyone who has been in a standard two-person relationship (or even been close to somebody who has) knows all the drama that can ensue - petty arguments, lack of communication, misunderstandings, jealousy. In a threesome, the odds of these taking place increase exponentially, so you (and they) need to work hard to keep them at bay. Also, it isn't uncommon for one of the couple to fall for the third. So you need to at least be aware of that possibility. If she decides she likes you more than him, would you want to start an exclusive relationship with her? Or him? And yes, always play safe - with either of them. Consider them first-time hook-ups every time. I'm not saying these never work out - I've known a few that have. But it very much is a minefield, so tread very carefully. Lex
Sleeping with one person is a risk, sleeping with someone that is regularly sleeping with someone else, doubles that risk. Take into count that her boyfriend is likely also sleeping with others, the risks are rapidly increasing. That said, with the right protection and communication, most of the risk can be eliminated. I would approach it with caution in regards to physical risk. Emotionally, threesomes can become complicated really quickly. I've a bit of experience in your said circumstance, and most of my threesome activities have been with heterosexual couples as opposed to 3 males. In hindsight, here are a few things I wish someone had told me before I got involved with pretty much all of the couples: 1. Make sure you really understand the sexuality of everyone involved. The first couple I slept with, the guy turned out to be a closet gay. Needless to say during the threesomes he wasn't paying his girlfriend much attention, which lead to both her getting jealous and him surfacing sexuality issues. 2. Make sure you know where you stand emotionally. There's a big difference between a booty call, an intimate threesome and a polygamous relationship, and make sure the other 2 are synonymous on this as well. Revisit this issue regularly, as you'll be surprised how quickly a booty call can become intimate, and if it's not mutual between all 3 of you, problems will arise. 3. The thing that most complicated these situations for me, especially when we were together numerous times, was the 'Middle of the bed' syndrome. In short, when it comes to 3 people in the bed, only one can be in the middle. To prevent jealousy and potential confusion, either sort out whose role is what so everyone is happy, or rotate regularly.
thanks guys =D as for it being above board, this much i can guarantee. As for him being absolutely 100% okay with everything, this is what i don't know for sure, but i have stressed to both of them how important communication is and to consider their own feelings before mine, which i am fine with. I don't think i'm capable of jealousy, mine seems to have died in my teen years =D , it's their feelings i'm concerned about. as for her developing feelings for me that any one of us finds inconvenient, i think at that point i would break things off. thanks for the insight, both of you =) ---------- Post added 10th May 2011 at 11:42 AM ---------- oh, on the subject of the other fella... We've been in contact via phone as she and i have sex and fool around, and he also messaged me online to express his blessing and to say that i can ask either of them whatever questions i like and that i shouldn't feel awkward about anything. Which i don't. I replied in kind. Meh, i'm a worrywart... but i've assured them that the last thing i want is to be the source of contention, and i've told them both to set whatever rules they like and i'll follow. After doing that, and taking care of my own feelings, i'm not sure how else to ward off these problems i hear so much about. Is there anything else i can say or do? the only thing i can think of is to ascertain EXACTLY what kind of contact he wants to have with me. She has suggested that we should all meet and i agree, he sounds like the kinda guy i'd really get along with, but then, if he feels obligated to meet me and really doesn't want to.... we're back to the miscommunication again. 'minefield' is right! =P
Ok, i need a lil more advice on this subject, i have a bit more info now. Let's go with some names from now on. John and Jane makes it simple. John is straight as i mentioned, and i think he is a little worried about what i might do in their bedroom if i shared it with he and Jane (which i really want to do). What's the best way to reassure him that i'm not going to hit on him or do anything inappropriate when i know that he's straight? He's a smart and open minded guy, i think just a little intimidated.
These people seem very open, and since everything seems to be going well so far, I would just be up front with both of them. You've been able to talk to them pretty easily thus far, so I can't imagine talking to him about this would cause a problem. Don't push him into letting you join them, but tell them it's something you might like and that if he is open to it, you would be willing to play by any rules he might want to lay down. No pressure, but just if he is also ever interested, you think it might be fun. My only concern is that you are direct with both of them about the fact that you want everyone to be safe. If there is ever even a slight concern about safety, you three should feel comfortable talking about safe sex with each other. Just stay safe, have fun, and be open and honest!
Safety isn't an issue between any of us, we've covered that now =) it's just that being an aspie, i suck with mixing diplomacy and directness, i really, really suck at it, which is why i'm here trying to figure out the best way to do it before i blunder in and say something stupid and/or insensitive =P haha
