A request for advice.

Hi Will,

Welcome to Empty Closets. Another UK member too - excellent! :smilewave

It sounds like school would be a fairly safe place to start coming out. Since there is already one out gay guy there and the place seems to be all-accepting, I don't think you'll have many problems there. You know your friends and could probably guess how at least some of them will react.

I definitely think you should go for it now. Some of us (err, like me) kept saying "not yet" to ourselves for years. A few more weeks and a few more months soon become a few more years, and don't achieve anything other then more of what you have now. You don't need that.

Take it one person at a time. Decide who you can trust the most to be understanding and to not tell anyone else. Someone who is good to talk to and is a good listener. Someone not prone to sudden over-reactions. Then try to arrange some time with him/her without anyone else around, where you can have a quiet talk. I'm sure you can work something out for that. You could just say "I need to talk - can I see you after school?" or whatever.

One thing with telling him/her that you need to talk is that it makes it more difficult for you to chicken out later. We've all been there - set up the meeting but lost the bottle to say what we really wanted to say, then gone home annoyed with ourselves!

Try not to make a big drama out of telling him/her. A bit of build-up, such as mentioning that he/she is the first person you have told and that you are really nervous is probably OK, but no more. If they know you are depressed then maybe that's a lead into it, but you really need to get to the point quickly otherwise you may never get there at all. Try not to plan exactly what you will say in your head in advance (though you probably will anyway, 'cos we all did!).

The immediate reaction is difficult to guess. Some people react exactly as you expect, some don't. You may get an awkward silence then a change of subject (in which case go with it for a few minutes then try to get back to the matter in hand). You may get a lack of reaction, because it really is no big deal to your friend. Read some of the coming-out stories here and you will see that overall peoples reactions have been good.

The first person is always the most difficult. The second less so, and it gets easier as you go on. Some people get on a roll and find themselves telling people quickly. Others take it slowly and may wait weeks or months between telling people. I would say that as quick as you are comfortable with is best.

I'm sure you will find that as you tell people and have good reactions, you will feel more confident and positive about yourself.

How well do you know the gay guy at school? It may be worth you trying to get to know him. Not to hook up with him, but to get a bit of advise from him. Thay depends though if he is the "sensible advise" type of person. If he's more loud and outrageous that may not get you very far. It still could be good to get him on your side though. Having someone else who is gay and around your age that you can talk to could be good. If he is mouth-almighty then don't tell him unless you want the whole school to know within a day!

Forget about stereotypes. Many of us do not fit the stereotypes either. There's a recent thread about just that here at EC, and I think the only person who sort-of fitted some of the stereotypes was Dave. Nobody else came close, and quite a few identified ourselves as geeks too! So you're not alone there. Geek is good!

Parents can wait. You haven't said much about them (other than mentioning the near-miss when you were about 11) so it's difficult to comment further. But you need to have friends you can trust to support you before you think about telling the family.

I'm sure others will be along with their advise in due course too. Please keep posting, let us know how things are going, and also get involved with the other general chat in these forums. You are amongst friends here. (&&&)

 

A lot of us here have been or still are going through a similar situation to you, so we know what it's like and want to help.

OK, so don't bother with him just yet then. You need to have more control over who knows, not least to stop it getting back to your parents....

From what you say I think they will be a problem. If they still even remember that event four years ago when you were just 11 (so still a "kid" and not really into puberty) and are hung up about it, this will be a real problem for them.

Although it would be great if you could come out to them and get it done with, I don't really think that's an option. It may be better to wait until you have gone to college or university (assuming you are living away from home then). Though even then you would probably be financially dependant on them, which could make things difficult.

Do you have any brothers or sisters? How do you think they would react? If you have an older brother/sister who has moved away that you think would be OK and keep the secret, they may have some thoughts on what to do about your parents.

Otherwise it may be a case of getting a college/university place far enough away from home that they won't know what you're up to.

Check out Dave's post here http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=458 too. His situation seems to be quite similar in some ways.

Sure... :icon_bigg

I don't think it's good to tell them then have a period of no contact. It would be difficult for you because you would be worrying about how they are taking it for ages. Meanwhile they probably won't be thinking about at all!

If you want a small gap, perhaps tell them on a Friday so you have the weekend (assuming it's a day-school). But no longer. And make sure they can keep in contact with you, perhaps by MSN Messenger or whatever.

Ideally just tell them when you will continue to see them, if you can. Then once you've told them just carry on as usual. This shows thaat you are still the same person as before and will probably help with them accepting.

This is obviously a LOT more important to you than it is to them.

As a comparison, imagine one of your mates told you his parents were getting divorced. For him it would be a major event emotionally. But for you, athough you'd obviously be concerned for him etc, you'd carry on pretty much as before. You'd understand if he was feeling down, but would probably wouldn't spend a lot of time discussing it with him etc. You coming out to them will probably be similar.

That's one for our younger members to comment on. Although I know it's the sort of thing people say now, I don't know how it should be taken.

My thought would be not to worry about it, as I doubt it is meant as a major insult to gay people. The use of terms like "faggot" I find more offensive.

You've made some good positive steps already. You are already coming to accept it yourself (though you're not happy about it yet) and are seeking out advise and support. You're also thinking about coming out to friends. So don't put yourself down, you're doing OK.

 

Just something to add on about that. Lost, I know you read my post about what has happend with me. I think that it is very important that you talk to them and see them a few times after you tell him/her, not just chatting online. After I told my cousin TN, I did not see him for a very long time because of my grandma and all the other stuff going on. I saw him maybe a couple of times, once at the funeral and once going snowboarding, but that was it. All we did was chatted online, but for some reason I still had a hard time chatting with him because I did not know if he had changed knowing that I was gay. Of course, I did not expect my grandmother to be in the hospital the next day, so I couldn't do anything about it, but like I said, I highly suggest keeping in touch with him/her in person.

 

oh, haha. my bad!