Alright,so I'm on probation so in my mind I have a limit to what I can say and do....that is if I say or do anything at all! My step-mother,whom I live with,is a constant downer.I eagerly await my father from prison,willing to give him another chance out of dozens.When he does return,I'm not going to look at him as the thieving pillpopper that he was,but the father I haven't talked to since 1998(thats when my family said he started doing the drugs,so I don't consider that man my father for the past 9 yrs). My step-mom keeps telling me after evertime she visits him,is that when he gets out he could still be the same lyer druggy career criminal that he has been.He could be telling us that he is a changed man when he isn't.That really bugs me,but I don't say anything.She got some cats to catch the mice in our house and they were hers,yet they are always locked in my room pissing on my clean clothes,chewing up my books,and tearing up my rug and shades....now they are our responsibility according to her and I disagree,yet I don't say anything.Her dog goes to the bathroom in our livingroom,I told her the other day that I can't stand the smell and that something should be done about it,she says that I should deal with it,I told her that maybe I don't want to deal with it.So she tells me that maybe I should live somewhere else,so I left for a couple days.The reason I don't say anything is cause I need a place to live...I can't lose my place of living. I don't speak my mind,or defend what I believe in,only cause I will do whatever it takes to not lead into a fight that can put me back into jail and serve a long stretch.After a while of not doing these things,my anger builds.Unlike in the past,I am able to kind of control it and not just snap,asnd yet my willpower s starting to fade away.Me telling my step-mom that I don't want to deal with the disgusting house that I live in,that was the first time in a long time that I spoke my mind about something that I knew would lead to something bad for me,and look what happened,I almost get booted out. I've been trying my hardest for the past 3 yrs to be good,and I have been good,polite,and honest when it comes to not turning bad for me.I haven't yelled at anybody in 2 yrs. These people that I deal with I just want to slap,hit or scream in their face,but I don't. I have a few other places to go live,but it can't happen right now. I know there are ways to let out my anger,but I can't think of anything other than what are the regular answers. hit a pillow-heck no just let your feelings out when they should-i'm not going to take the chance see a counselor-I do and he tells me to worry about myself even though I know that I already am Risk taking is gone,I have too regular and non-spontanious life. I can't take it anymore!!!I just feel like screaming!:tantrum: :tantrum: Oh yeah.........Happy Birthday Father
i'm so sorry to hear all of this. i would like to start out with that. i don't know if i can give u the best advice as i have anger problems as well. i just took an anger test and the "normal" one was 124 and i got 165 (the highest the teacher has evr seem was 174), so this advice might be crap. first off, u don't have any friends or other relatives that might be willing to let u crash for a while? if ur not sure, perhaps u could ask around to see if that is an option. as for dealing with your anger, have u evr tried a counseling group? if this seems like it would be unhelpful, u mentioned punching a pillow, maybe u should get a punching bag instead? that might be more satisfying... i'm sorry i can't think of any more advice, my method is ignore it and hold it in, and i don't recommend that. i hope some other people post wiht more ideas. hang in there! you can always vent to us.
The problem with the anger is not so much holding it in but learning to let it go. Do an inventory of the reasons that the anger builds within and leave off the self pity. What is it that gets to you when people do certain things? Go to the core of what lies within you that is the true source of the anger. Once some of this is known, it is easier to know how to let it go, to not be phased by it. Next is what is your plan for changing your life from what it is now to something more akin to what you really want. You should have a 5 year plan from where you are now to where you want to be in 5 years, and it has to be practical and achievable. Don't be so worried about what others are doing, just take care of yourself. Change those things within yourself that need to be change in order to get to where you want to go. Recheck your plan every three months. Lastly, you have been hurt by what your dad has done and are setting up for a failure again. What your step mother has to say has a large grain of truth in it. You want to deny the possibility. Deal with the possible reality not the wishful thinking, otherwise you will be hurt again. Offer help when and where you can, but if someone is truly making an effort to change their behavior, you will be able note it and see it. Overall though, you need to change where you are, who you associate with and what you are doing to get on with your life. Being responsible for everyone else in your family is impossible and can't be done, so deal with your own needs. We each have to. If with time and effort you achieve the ability to over come codependency, dysfunctional living and thinking, you then can come back and help others, but you can't help at all or be responsible at all until then. There are a lot of good people on this forum who are willing to help you out, all you have to do is be willing to listen and apply. Seek them out. Good luck.
That's a very mature attitude you are taking with your dad. I know you have given him all sorts of chances in the past and maybe he has disappointed you but we change all our lives, he almost certainly isn't the same man he was 9 years ago... are you the same person you were 9 years ago?... I'm not. As for 'sucking it up' you can't go on for ever like this, it isn't realistic. Can you try and get away on a reglular basis, every week end for example at a friends house or camping, anything to get you away from your step mum, her rules, her disgusting house etc and have a bit of 'me' time to yourself. Sometimes sport can help with frustration and anger... do you do sports? Could you take up a sport? I know it's not much help but that's all I can think of at the moment. You are doing good, you are trying to turn your life round. Even if at times you feel bad you can be proud of yourself, the lower you sink (you said you were on probation) the harder it is to climb back up but you are and you haven't even got any support so WOW!. Not every one can so GOOD ON YOU :icon_bigg I mean it I feel really proud of you.
your step mom sounds like a special kinda person. it seems as though maybe she has gotten accustomed to your dad not being around and knows that you have the limitations that you do and is kind of taking advantage of you? Your an amazing person to be able to have such a positive outlook on your dad. I know it is hard dealing with someone with a substance abuse problem, it does seem like there is always a disapointment. I wish you luck on this one, stay optimistic and positive and be ready with another chance for him, but at the same time, try not to build yourself up so high that it is a long fall if he does fall through again. As for the anger, I understand that too, although I do not handle mine very well at all. Like it was said, you need to try and find something for you, a long walk, writting, some time to get away whatever it takes. Good luck, and know that we will all help the best taht we can!
