There are a few things I still deal and wonder about it. Why do so many gay men deal with "shame?" I mean being gay is what it is. You are born with this, its not a choice. I think some of my issues deal with my OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) but I think some of it is the struggle accepting my sexuality still. I remember about a month ago when I fooled around with some guy, and after the incident I felt so guilty for doing gay sex acts, that I thought my voice would become effiminate or sterotypically gay. I think I once may have read some kind of rumor on the net if you do certain gay sexual activites that the pitch of your voice may change(of course I know its not true) The other thing is if someone becomes mad at me or if I did something in the past to them that they did like or have a grudge against me, I assume they are going to attack me about my sexual orientation. I realize I am walking on egg shells when dealing with being gay and my sexuality, and maybe I just need to chill out some. I think going to the gay support group is a good move and glad I made the call and trying to get back into LIFE is even better. I think what is tough is when my sexuality does not bother me. I find a way of letting it bother me. I also realize I keep making life tougher then it really is :bang: Justin
Human nature is funny isnt it? we are way better at punishing ourselves then anyone else could ever be. Both sexes struggle with shame, but it does seem to be worse in the males, because society has made it so much more forbidden then with women. It does not matter how open our family is, or anything like that, subconsciously we are taught that being gay is wrong. and when we spend so long thinking that something it wrong it takes a very long time to be able to get over that guilt. For example. I was raised in a church. I was always told that eatting pork was dirty and a sin. ((I know of all the things to find sinful about my exsistance, i pick pork. lol )) Even though I have since left the church, I still feel guilty eatting a hotdog or something, because I should "know" better. I like hotdogs. I know that hotdogs are no dirtier then any other meat ((If you can call hotdogs meat)) but still it is hard. I dont know if I will ever get over that, but it does get easier to ignore. Just talk yourself down from it, remind yourself that you are doing nothing wrong and that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, by any means! The only way someone is going to attack you orientation, is if you give them the power to do so, and if you view it as an attack. It isnt easy, but it can be done. Everything you want to feel guilty or ashamed or worried about something, step back, remind yourself that you are doing what will keep you happy and sane and be proud, eventually your mindset will just go there automatically, and you will stop being able to look over your sholder, so to speak. Stop being your own worst enemy good luck
Get out to a support group! It will do you good to get out and meet - just to meet - other gay men. Don't go thinking you're going to find a partner. Just to meet other men that have been through the same experience, and see how they're dealing with lifes problems. Engagine in gay sex isn't going to change you or anything about you. But do it with a positive outlook (that it isn't a bad thing to do) and approach it in a healthy way (i.e. with someone you like and doing with someone that's into what you are). Be safe too. But with other aspects of your life, don't approach them as a gay person. Just be 'yourself' without considering the fact that you're gay. It shouldn't matter. I know this is easier said than done though. When you're in the process of accepting your orientation, it's hard to not obsess about it - even if you don't have OCD. You're not alone. Good luck. You're taking the right steps. Keep going!
I'm with Jim and ebra on this, you are making progress, you are seeing your faults for what they are and not letting them rule your life. Good for you, you are on the right path.
