At the moment feeling rather angry at myself. Which is strange because most of the time I am proud of who I am, and being gay doesn't bother me. But sometimes I just think that if I was straight or if I was male then life would be so much easier. And not just for me, I mean, my parents act all ok about it but I can tell that they would be happier if I was straight. And it hurts knowing that I'll never be the perfect daughter or the daughter that they expected me to be. I mean, take my mom for example. When I get a chance to talk to her, she says shes ok with it and says that she loves me no matter what and I don't doubt that. But I can tell she's ashamed about it. She hasn't told anyone in her side of the family or friends, not even the ones who she's really close to and when I asked her if they should know she just said "it's none of their business". I mean, I'm ok with them knowing, mostly to stop the "so have you got a boyfriend yet?" conversations at family gatherings and constantly having to mumble some bullcrap about being focused at school or not meeting anybody yet. I don't want to make her ashamed of me but I can't help being what I am, and I am fed up of lying to them but I don't want me or mom to be the disappointment in the family. Plus, my mom hasn't even told her boyfriend, Martin, who she's been with for over a year and is practically living in our house now. I mean, he stays over at ours 6 nights a week, and only goes back to his during the day to check on his cat. He's mentioned "boyfriends" in recent passing conversations and part of me can't help but think, well why hasn't she mentioned this to him? One of the closest people in her life, and shes ashamed of what he thinks. And I can't help but resent her slightly for this, but then feel guilty because she didn't ask for a lesbian daughter. Kinda same with my dad. He knows, and to be honest I'm not sure what he thinks. I've tried bringing the subject up with him but he doesn't want to talk about it, and I don't want to push him about it. We get along, we like the same sort of movies, we both go to football matches and I can tell he loves me. But he seems a bit in denial, like he makes slight boyfriend comments in passing eg "When you're older....etc". I'm not sure if he's discussed it ever with anyone, but I know my paternal grandparents are uncomfortable with homosexuality so I can understand him not telling them. I mean, I'm ok with the rest of my family knowing, but I wouldn't be the only one under scrutiny, my parents would then have to deal with being "the gay one's parent", and the reason I'm even slightly shameful of being gay is because I don't want to have to make my parents go through that. I mean, we can keep up the charade towards the rest of the family for now, but what about when I get a girlfriend? Grow up and have a civil partnership? They're going to have to deal with it then because there's no way the family wouldn't find out then. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I may be okay with it and accepted it, but it doesn't just involve me. It doesn't just hurt me, or just put me under prejudice, it involves my parents, my family and my friends (who incidentally have homophobic parents who apperently "put up with me" when I go to my friends house) and it would be better if it was just me who had to deal with this. And I'm angry at myself for making them have to "put up with it".
Dont be angry with yourself, or feel guilty because they are inconvienced. You didnt ask to be the lesbian daughter either, things just happen, if you would like the rest of the family to know, or your moms boyfriend, go ahead and tell them, it is your secret, your life and your choice, no one elses. There will always be closed minded people who would treat whoever differently because of your orientation, BUT they are closed minded, and uneducated, and should not be taken seriously. If your friends and family are putting up with it, it jst means that you are worth it to them, and although you would feel better if they didnt have the hardship of it, try to remember that they are doing so by choice, for you! its their little gift if you will. You are still young, and your parents might harbor the "she'll grow out of it" I dont know if theres anything anyone can do about that, Just try to keep it as open as you can, keep bringing it up when you feel like it, and never hide it because it might make them uncomfortable. Good Luck
The best thing you can do is be PROUD of who you are. Live your authentic life and show these people how happy you are. They will come around. You can't hate something (or someone) you know!
You can't change who you are, and you didn't choose to become a lesbian. So try to make the best of it! Who you are doesn't define who your parents are - they aren't going to be known as "the couple who raised a lesbian"! They aren't ashamed of you. I'm sure they aren't. But they are probably still uncomfortable with that particular part of you - at least not comfortable enough to discuss it with other family or friends. It's about them right now - not about you. I think it's natural to be feeling what you are though. Just be thankful that you've figured this out at this stage of your life. The guilt and shame is a lot harder to get over when you've actually married someone - had them commit to be your partner for the rest of their life, had two children with them, and THEN find out and have to tell them that you're gay. Now THAT is a situation that comes with quite a bit of guilt. (Trust me, I know!) It's hard for me now - given that only my parents and my (ex) wife know (and a few friends). My extended family I'm sure wonder why my wife and I seem to get along so well - and what might have caused our separation. But you know what I have to do? I have to say to myself "Who cares what they think?!?" As far as I'm concerned, as long as the most important people in my life know what's going on (my mom and dad, my wife, my best friends) then that's all that matters. So perhaps you just need to let this go for a while. It's great that your parents know, and that they support you anyway. Give them time, and perhaps one day soon, they'll be comfortable enough to share this with other relatives. Until then, does it really matter that much? It sounds like things are pretty ok overall.
Feeling a lot better now. First of all thanks for the replies, they made me get my head around it a bit more and put things into perspective. I just had a one on one chat with my mom. It wasn't that long but it made me feel a lot better. I actually managed to ask her outright if she was even a little bit disappointed or ashamed and she reassured me that she wasn't and when asked if I had a boyfriend yet by some of her friends she had replied "No, because she's gay" but is only reluctant to tell family in case I wasn't ok to tell them (That'll teach me to not communicate with my mom!). And apparently, Martin does know and is ok with it (another worry off my mind), but didn't want to let me know that he knew in case I wasn't ok with him knowing (tongue twister). But yes, managed to clear up the whole thing with my mom. See, this is why we need to communicate with parents! Otherwise both speculate and don't know what the other one wants! Now I just need to sort it out with my dad....
congratulations it is amazing what talking can actualy do, and yet we are always so scared to do it. lets face it dads never want to think or talk about their little girls having sexual relations with anyone!
Of all the things I felt after my son came out disappointment wasn't amongst them. I haven't told anyone my son is gay because I don't feel it is for me to say. This is his life, if he wants to tell people he will, including my mum, brother and sister. I honestly don't feel it is my place to talk about his sexuality with ANYONE. Not because I am ashamed but simply because I don't feel I have the right, any more that I would expect my son to run round telling all his friends private intimate details of my life. It's good that you cleared the air with your mum. Don't let those dark thoughts get you down, always talk to the person concerned, 9 times out of 10 there is a simple explication. :icon_bigg
