So basically as many of you know, I came out to my parents two months ago, and it went so-so. However I keep dealing with ups and downs from my mother. Today being a down. The biggest problem is my aunt and cousin, the two people in the family who knew the longest and whom I trusted, have broken the trust. Now they keep using everything I ever told them against me and against my mother. They are attacking my relationship with her, they're calling us both liars, they're basically taking anything I EVER told them, and telling Mom but twisting it so it makes me look like the bad guy. Thing is, my mother right now isn't well, she has fibromyalsia, her relationship with my step-siblings is not at all well, my grandparents are fading, and said aunt is trying to turn the family on my mother and she's really having difficulty standing her ground. My step-father is trying to help, but he seems to always stand on the sidelines half the time, and sometimes will reassure me that Mom is just going through another one of her moods and she'll return later, it just takes a toll in me. Since I got home from work an hour ago all I've done is basically lay in bed and cried and just responded to my mom's texts, including one "your walk into the house deserves an Oscar". So basically, while I'm mentally sound, it is driving me a little nuts and it's like, I know this is how it goes, and maybe I'm lucky that my mother still deep down loves me and it's not like she's disowned me like some parents do, but at the same time I just wish I could skip to the part where she trusts me again and stops believing all the bullshit and lies my aunt is feeding her and letting my aunt drive this wedge between us. The other big problem is that I can't e-mail my aunt and rip her a new one for what she's done because she'll either say the blame is not hers at all and its mine for "keeping the secret so long" OR she'll turn and attack mom using whatever I say in the letter as more fodder. I'm basically saying, what the hell can I do? I mean my mother at this time has even said she won't bring me to any more family events because she doesn't want me saying something to the family or the family asking me something that leads to more drama. She's constantly saying the whole strife in the family is my fault, that I've caused it all because of my coming out to everyone before her. She's just really upset and I dunno where to go right now other than sit and cry.
You know I would REALLY like some help here people. She's now suggested we don't talk for a year. So yeah, I would LOVE it if you guys would actually help me with suggestions or something.
(*hug*)I'm sorry for what you are/ have been going through. I'm not sure how affective this advice will be, but here is what I got. Show your mom that you understand that she is going through a rough time with everything, it would show that you understand. Then I think you should tell her why your aunt has been bothering you, and that you regret trusting her. Be straight foreward, It doesn't sound like either of you are happy with this aunt right now. And then suggest to your mom that nothing is going to be helped by avoiding the issue (aka not seeing her for a year and not talking to the rest of the family).
(*hug*) :tears: I was hoping someone who had actually gone through something similar would be able to help. I've not gone through this, so I'm worried that I could give bad advice/suggestions... but I'll try my best. Know this, the tension in the family is not your fault. I may not have specific advice, but if your family is having issues accepting you, that is in no way your fault, at all. Don't ever accept those words as truth. If anything, they should be accepting of the fact that you told them, since you could have just lied to them instead. You chose to trust them, and if they don't accept that trust that is not your problem. From what you've said, it definitely seems like your mother still loves you dearly, and is just having external pressure problems. I know it's hard to deal with, but don't give up hope. We're here for you, and we won't break your trust. I am sorry you have to deal with this; please don't go through it alone. (&&&)
Ok brother I hear ya and I think there is only one thing that you can do at the moment until things pass and people accept that this is who you are. Take away there power! What I mean by this is that do not let things like that offend you, Show them that you don't care that they are only words and they can't hurt/break you. I too have a Prickle relationship not with my mom but my whole side of my dads side of the family except for one aunt. THey do not now I am gay and I do not plan on telling them. Just try to hang in there and things will get better, if you ever need to talk you can send my a PM, I am always here for you. Love you.
Yeah see for me it's just Mom says I've caused the whole problem and also says I've always insulted her in front of others. I've made jokes, cause I'm a sarcastic person. Like say a month ago, a friend of my mother's asked how I felt about them moving to Windsor, and I jokingly was like "oh I can't wait for them to be there, nah I'm just joking it's going to be sad for them to be far away" but all Mom sees is me insulting her. What's more, she constantly complains saying that I've made people judge her, because she would always go on and on about me and my best friend L (a girl) and how she wanted us to get together. And she's like "well now they see me as a fool". I don't understand why my mother seems to have SUCH a problem with people judging her :S I mean I personally have never cared what people think of me except my mother's opinion and maybe why this hurts so much....and it's just like, I wish she didn't have SUCH a problem with others judging her. She's mad that i broadcast it all over facebook (When the only "broadcast" i did was...maybe a photo or two of me and my bf and having the Interested In: Men) SO it's kinda just like, if you are worried of people judging you, then they aren't good people, and if you're worried about all this other crap, then you need to stop letting everyone else's opinions get to you. But I care for my mom so deeply so basically i just feel like I'm getting chipped down by my mother bit by bit, and my aunt keeps driving a wedge between us...
How often do your mother and your aunt talk? Since that's a very large part of the problem, you might be able to talk to your mom about just taking a break from listening to your aunt. As far as your mom's reaction, it looks like the Anger stage, but that doesn't really help your feelings. You can know something beyond any doubt and still have conflicting emotions... Did you and your mom have anything that you always did together? With my mom and I, we love chess. If/when she goes through the stages, I plan on playing chess a lot with her, as it will be a gentle reminder that I'm still the same son as always, even though this facet of my life was hidden. I don't know, maybe that won't work, but it's a shot. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. (*hug*)
I dunno we play cards sometimes but I haven't been home now in like three weeks (Easter). And they're like in contact CONSTANTLY. I mean seriously, it's ridic. I mean they saw one another this morning, and I guess my aunt attacked my (though I wasn't there) and mom defended me. And then when I see them she gets at me. But I don't think she'll listen. She says she is furious at me telling my aunt before her because my aunt constantly put me down for years, and yet she still talks to her...
Drama feeds drama, until it consumes itself and someone breaks. Stop the cycle. I think it's time you lay low for a while. Communicate with your mother, tell her you want to step down and not be involved with your extended family beyong being polite. Tell her why you're doing it; becuase you want to repair the damage which has been done, damage which was NOT caused by you. Don't react, avoid situations where attention is drawn to you. Don't actively avoid anyone though, as ignoring someone can offer just as much fuel to the fire as drama. Basically, I think you need to neutralize your position, and stop YOU being the focus of any of the drama. Be a good son, and a good nephew, but don't be submissive. Never tolerate treatment you don't deserve. Passive aggressive, not aggressive.
Hi Revan, I am truly sorry that you're having such a hard time with your mother at the moment. This seems to be a very complicated situation and it is hard to give you advice about it. One thing caught my eyes though, you said that your step father is trying to support your mother, even if he tends to stand on the sideline. Maybe you could start with trying to talk to him and explains him what's going on from your point of view and how painful this is to you. Maybe he can be the bridge for you to reach your mother. She doesn't seem to be able to listen to you, but maybe she can listen to him. If you can explain your step-father how you're feeling and that the only thing you want is help to be able to talk to your mother again, maybe he'll be willing to help. I don't know if this can work, but that could be worth the try. Take care (*hug*) Cécile
I was curious everyone, one thing my mother seems to have a big problem with, that she brings up constantly, ASIDE from my aunt and cousin, is that so many people knew before her. She apparently believes that people have been judging her when she would tell them about my best friend L and how she thinks we could get together. And it's like...how do I confront that part? I mean yes I'll admit maybe I had said "marry a girl" or "my wife" but that was only because I was scared if I even said person, though with L I always told my mom I never saw L that way and she was more of a sister than anything else. So yeah..but she still just thinks people are judging her. I may be going to a counseling appointment with her but wth do I tell her? :S
Would have responded sooner, but was working through the earlier stuff I missed due to internet connection being down. So, your mom has a problem with A) So many people knowing before her, and B) Thinking you were straight and being open about that with others, and now she thinks they're judging her. Well, A is something that you can clear up. Be honest about the fact that, yes, you did tell others before her. Explain why you did so, and that you never intended to hurt her by doing this. If she is hurt, then apologize severely. Even when things aren't directly our fault, apologizing can help out a lot. B, is a little more difficult, as she's likely more upset at herself for this one, but is projecting it onto you. After all, you told her several times that you weren't interested in this specific girl that she was hoping you'd marry, and on top of that, you didn't even mention marriage that much. If you're going to a counseling appointment with her, the counselor should be able to help her get through this part. If that falls through, you'll need to have another apology ready. Is this one as truthful, or as necessary? No, but it will likely help her to understand that there really wasn't much you could do on that front without just coming out. Good luck! I hope things work out! (*hug*)
