Okay I really need help on this subject matter so here it goes. A while back I posted on here about this guy who I was hanging out with a lot. He has never done anything with anyone, never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. We hung out a lot and eventually it led to more snuggling then to kissing then to more. I would say I love him and miss him and he would say so too. This went on for a good month or two. Then last sunday he came over and when I was going to kiss him he moved his face away and said : I dont think we should be doing this anymore, I kinda lied to you when I said I loved you." He also went on saying that he used me as an experiment and hes not ready to be in a relationshop. I didn't know how to take this so I started crying and I didn't know what to think. He said he wanted to stay friends. An hour later after he left I texted him and apologized for crying. He then said, "dont apologize for crying, I love you, please stay in my life!" I was his first anything, ever. 3 days have past since that happened and everyday I felt the worst feeling in my stomach, an emotional pain that wouldn't go away. I couldn't help by cry every night wishing he was still there next me. We hung out a couple more times after this happened and I eventually wanted to talk to him about it again. When we talked about it he said that he was just sexually attracted to me and nothing else and he just wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I asked what he looked for in a guy and he said a good personality. I then wondered if this meant that the reason why he ended it was because my personality wasn't good enough. We still hangout all the time so its not like he just left me or anything and he still actually wants to be good friends. Please I need some advice, im really confused about all this.
I can see why and how you would be so hurt by his actions - it basically appears that he used you as a sexual guinnea pig. I know your feeling very upset and confused, but I'm sure that he probably is just as much or most-likely more: he did go from saying he lied about loving you, to telling you not to apologize and stay in his life. Try not to be self-depricating or to pick holes in yourself, figuring out where you went wrong - it doesn't seem as though you did. Allow your friend to figure himself out first and then come back to you. Perhaps it might not turn-out happily - a possibility you shall have to accept - but at least you have both been in contact and discussion after the incident and may be able to forge something from that.
I went through something similar, but the girl who used me wasn't as honest as he was to you. Like Wahnfried said, you didn't do anything wrong, he led you to believe he wanted a relationship and then he went back on that. It's perfectly natural for you to be upset. I think you should take time away from him. Don't hang out with him and don't have long meaningful conversations. Be nice to him, be friendly, but nothing more. TELL HIM that you need time to figure out how you feel and being around him isn't going to help. Take time for yourself and it'll all work out.
I actually went through something almost exactly like this a while ago and it sucks, and it's hard. I'm definitely not an expert, but I think that you should just live in the moment and forget about the future for now. With time he might change, with time he might not, and you have to accept both of those possibilities. Really, don't tear yourself apart or knock yourself down over the things he does or says either. You have to ask yourself though...is his friendship ever going to be enough for you, or will you always want more? If you can settle for it, then you should obviously remain good friends. If not...I think you know what to do. In my situation, he said the same thing, and I cut him out of my life and that's that. I haven't seen nor spoken to him since the semester ended even though he's tried to contact me a few times. It's just easier this way, I think.
Whatever it is that's going on here, it's his issues not yours. Don't blame yourself for anything that happens. Right now you're a victim of his insecurity..... don't let yourself become a victim of your own.
I don't think he intentionally used you, regardless of what he said. I think he's incredibly confused, and bouncing back and forth between denial and bargaining in the 5 stages of loss. He knows in his heart he likes you and enjoys being with you, but he's struggling with his feelings that loving a guy is wrong. Unfortunately, there's no easy answer for you. If you stick with him, you can expect that he'll probably be waffling for a while, and perhaps in the closet for a while beyond that. So that's not a lot of fun for you. But maybe he's worth it; that's a call you have to make. What is definitely true is that if this a first real relationship for both of you, it will have very strong emotions and feel like it's the *only* thing you want... that isn't rational, nor is it real, but it is definitely how people feel in their first relationship. The best I can suggest is simply give it time. Let your relationship breathe a little bit. Try and talk to him but at the same time, give him space, and see how it goes. And... be willing to let it go if he isn't being respectful of you and your needs. The relationship must be supportive in both directions to be healthy.
He definitely sounds confused. I don't think he was lying about loving you- just that there are different kinds of love. He seems to have thought that you would be safe to explore his feelings with because you are a trusted and valued friend, and now he's not sure where to go with that. He probably doesn't understand what he wants or needs clearly enough to know how to express it to you. It would be sad if you both lost a friendship over it, but I would refrain from any "more than friends" kind of activity until he (and you) are really sure. But that's just how I read it...
