OK, so here's my story. I'm finishing up my Freshman year in high school and I know that I am 100% gay. I go to an all boys high school, which is not exactly an easy environment for me to come out and be my self in. Everyone that I am good friends with is definitely straight and and they seem to be homophobic. I want to come out so bad... it's like I'm not being myself, which I had a major problem with in grade school (but let's ignore that). I know it gets better and everything but I really want to be myself. I'm afraid to come out though because I'm afraid of being bullied and disliked... please help me if you can! I'd appreciate any help.
Hey there, Im going to call you Ace, welcome to EC. Ace, you seem really sweet, and the fact that you know you are 100% gay, and your also only a freshman in high school is really impressive. Most adults arent even as sure of themselves as you are. In high school, especially with boys, we tend to put on this mask. As boys developing into men, the messages they are getting are "be strong, be masculine, dont cry, dont be weak." Right? I dont think that it is always the intentions of some of your friends to actually hurt you. In many situations actually I think they are being homophobic because they are not even as sure of themselves as you are. Many people who are insecure (like most of anyone who is a teenager) often like to find the something that gives them power. The reason they often say bad things about homosexuals is because it is something that empowers them, and it is also likely to say that some of them may also be gay. Number one rule of insecurity: when people act on it, often times it is out of fear. That fear often comes from ones self, meaning that the are afraid that they also are gay, so in order to "protect" themselves from that possibility they try and instill the belief around them that they are not, and that they have nothing to do with gays. You need to ask yourself who you REALLY trust. In an all boys school you are going to have allot more difficulty coming out, but if you take it slowly and confidently then I dont think you will have much hassle. So, if you find someone who you can really trust, then try and tell them how you feel, and that you want their support. Also since all of your friends are boys, you should probably include that you really appreciate you friendship, and if they question you if you are "into them" it would be best to say no, and that you only are interested in them as friends. I hope this helps in some way, good luck, and if you need some more personal advice feel free to comment my profile, and I will get back to you. We can figure this out together, one step at a time
Welcome to EC! It's good to have you here! Tyler pretty much said everything I was planning on saying. I do want to reiterate, though, that in a lot of circumstances, homophobic statements are usually out of ignorance or uncertainty. My roommate had made several homophobic statements before I came out to him, but when I came out (once we were no longer sleeping in the same room, as that's when I felt comfortable telling him) he was totally accepting, and we're actually living in the same house next year still. Another reiteration is that you need to figure out who you trust the most. This individual is really important, as he will be your confidant until you choose a wider circle to come out to. I'm very happy for you, that you have made the choice to come out even in your circumstances! Good luck with everything, and please keep coming to EC! We would love to keep hearing your story, to help you along the way, and to celebrate when your journey is mostly over!
Hi, Ace! First, welcome to EC. It's great that you've taken the step to join and talk about your situation, as that's a huge step toward getting yourself where you want to be. I do understand your situation, and realize how difficult it must be and how alone you must feel. But here are a couple of thoughts. First, we have at least one other person here that I know of in your exact situation (conservative all-boys school, not much apparent support for gay people) and there are many, many others in very similar circumstances here, so you're far from alone. Second, remember: In any random population of boys, somewhere around 10% of them are gay. So depending on the size of your school, there are probably at least 20 to 100 other gay guys there, though likely all of them are closeted. You might be really surprised when and if you decide to come out; often all it takes is one person to take the first step, and that gives the courage for others to take the same step. But that isn't something to worry about now. First, work on getting comfortable with yourself, developing a support network -- here or in the real world -- and then you can take the time and decide when, or if, you want to come out in high school. You've already received a lot of good advice above. Please feel free to ask any other questions you may have, or contact me, or any of the other advisors, if we can be of any assistance. Take care and I hope you stick around!
Hell and Welcome to EC, I had to put myself into your position in order ti figure out what I would do. First off I would not come out to anyone at school just yet no matter how much I wanted to. I would how ever come out to my family. I would wait and give the other guys some time to figure out that they are gay and then I would come out before they did giving them the courage to come out. If people start bulling you just remember that they are words they cannot hurt you. I am always here if you need to talk Ace.
Thank you guys so much for all your help. I actually met another gay guy in my school today and he is SO EFFING NICE. He's very itno music and VERY flamboyant but he's really nice and stuff. There's 1 guy. I'm not nearly as alone as I thought. The onyl sad part is that he's a sophomore and we have no classes together but... yeah. XD I'm so psyched. And your help is greatly appreciated. :eusa_danc
Ok let me say this Ace. Everything everyone has said is definetely helpful. The only part I disagree with, Tyrawr, is that just because a guy is homophobic doesn't mean theyre insecure and may be gay. There are guys at my school, MIDDLE SCHOOL (just to put that out there) who are homophobic and 100% straight. Yes I'm bi and I do jokingly gaybash my best friend on the bus. He knows he does the same to me. I'm not insecure and I'm als not homophobic. Believe me, many guys are straight.
And... how would you know this? For the record, I happen to agree with you that there are plenty of people who are simply bigots -- in most part because they learned their bigoted attitudes from their parents -- and who are not closeted poofters... but I've also found that, very often, the people who are the most vehement in their bullying and hatred are the people who are projecting their own fears. And not infrequently, these people aren't even consciously aware, in their own minds, that they are anything but straight because their denial is so strong. Therefore, it would be nearly impossible to determine whether a given bully is bullying because he's closeted and projecting, or because he's an ignorant bigot. What I've found is that very often, these bullying types, who appeared 100% straight in high school, had numerous girlfriends and/or slept with lots of girls... DO come out later in life, in their 20s or 30s or even later. Several people I know have been contacted 5 or 10 or 15 years after high school by people who bullied them, apologizing for their behaviors and explaining that they were closeted and fearful. In the end, it doesn't really matter if someone is straight and closeted, straight and bigoted, or gay or somewhere in between, because it doesn't change the experience of being bullied. But it does give us some insight, and if we view these people in the context of perhaps being someone that's closeted and afraid, then it becomes a little easier to have compassion for them.
Ok Chip I get what you're saying but 9 times out of 10. Someone who is straight grows up straight, they don't hide in a closet. Guys can do 'gay' stuff and still be straight. They don't lay in their beds questoning their sexuality. Of course, that may be cause my friends stay out all night alot. Haha jk jk. Anyways, the majority of guys ive met gaybash but dont physically bully anyone eventhough the popular crowd apparently thinks I'm gay
Ace I am glad you found a gay friends. It will definatly make you feel better not thinking your the only one in the world.
