So, I thought I was finally progressing and accepting who I am but these last few days I have been overwhelmed with sadness. It is so strong, I can feel it in my chest... if that makes any sense. I think the root of it started with me attending a destination wedding and wanting more than anything for that to be me. It completely confused me and I felt like I had convinced myself that maybe I was wrong about being gay and it could be me. However, my flight left a day later than everyone else's, so I decided to go have a drink downtown. I ended up meeting this amazing guy and we completely hit it off and had a great time. Since I was somewhere where nobody knew me, I could just be completely open, and it felt really good. But now ever since I am back home, this sadness just won't go away. I just don't even know what to do anymore or how much more of this I can take.... I feel like I am constantly on the verge of breaking down and crying. Is just a normal part of the acceptance process?! What is going on with me...? I feel like an idiot.
First, and foremost, (*hug*). I'm sorry you've got such an overwhelming emotion that feels like it's ready to take over. Not having any idea of the cause makes it worse, for sure. As far as the process goes, Acceptance is actually the fifth and final stage. The stage before it is Depression, and it follows from Bargaining. Now, as this is only a tool, not a strict roadmap, the process is never the same, nor as clean cut as this model makes it out to be. It seems to me that you were accepting yourself, but allowed yourself to slip into bargaining. Since your bargains with yourself, of not being gay, were dashed by the great time you had with the individual prior to your flight, you moved into the next stage which was depression. That's a layman interpretation, so I'd like to leave you with this advice: The internet is not the best thing to help with depression/sadness. You can't cry on my shoulder, because I'm not there. If you feel that there is someone who won't ask questions and will always support you then, if you're prepared to be a little vulnerable, go tell that person that you're confused. If you're not ready to come out at all, I understand. I've been where you are right now, but fear was driving me crazy instead of sadness. So, if you can't talk to someone in person, we'll try our hardest to give you a virtual shoulder to cry on, a virtual ear that will listen, and as much good advice and love as we can. One more thing: If you can't talk to someone in person, try finding a place where no one will hear you and start journaling aloud. One thing which helped me when I couldn't tell anyone was a three hour walk I took where I basically emptied all my thoughts and emotion through my mouth so I could hear it while thinking about it. It did wonders for my sanity. Good luck, and (*hug*) again,
There are 5 stages of loss that I think each person should know. 1. Denial and Isolation. 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance From the sounds of it, the wedding was somewhere around 3, you were trying to convince yourself that you were straight, and now because of that experience that you had with that amazing guy, you are somewhere between 4 and 5. Most of us have gone threw these stages, and you are doing so well. It is normal for you to feel uncomfortable and alien to these feelings, because you have been numb for so long. Lean into the discomfort my friend, and find yourself. Being vulnerable, and being connected are one and the same. You need vulnerability to stay connected, and to find connection. So remember, even though it is not comfortable it is good, and though you are not used to some of the feelings, you will feel normal eventually. You have so much support here on EC, message me if you need some personal advice, Id be happy to oblige.
(*hug*) Second thing, you dont have to feel like an idiot. It's something a lot of us had to go through and yes, it's part of the acceptance process. Let it out, cry it out. There is nothing wrong with that. Having finally realized you may have many things going about in your head such as family and friend relationships. But don't rush and think about those yet. First you must accept yourself before you can tell others. Goodluck! (*hug*)
Everyone goes through this as we find our selves give yourself time and you will find you self. The only thing I say is this don't come ou(if you are not already out) before you accept yourself as being gay. I came out and told people I was gay before I even was/able to accept myself as gay. I still have not been able to accept this a me.
Thanks for your responses guys. It has definitely made me at least realize that this is part of the process. I just wish I could skip ahead and just get to the part where I accept myself completely. I will hopefully get there, especially since I have the support here. I think part of my sadness stems from the fact that I feel like I am caught between two worlds. I feel like i don't really belong in the straight world but that I also don't quite fit in the gay world either. I am a fairly masculine guy and people just don't assume I am gay. I am also attracted to men that are similar. I know lots of gay guys that are more obvious that they are gay and I think they are a blast to be around but I just am not sexually attracted to them. I think that is why I hit it off with the guy on my last night of vacation so much. He was also very masculine. And I am definitely not trying to offend anyone with my comments as they are merely what I am attracted to, not judgements. I just worry that I won't fit in anywhere anymore. I will no longer be "straight", but I also won't have any friends that are masculine guys but also happen to be gay. It is just a scary and lonely place to be.
That openness feels great doesn't it? I find that from time to time I need to remind myself to just BE. Just be the way you are without reservation. No need to paint it on the walls, just be open and yourself. If you get crapped on for your openness, you don't need to hang with those people, but in being open and yourself in your daily life, people like your dream guy will start coming into your life. Just keep smiling, and if the world gets you down smile bigger and harder. The right people will notice.
well, first you're not an idiot, I know idiots I deal with them every day, so I now what I"m talkin's about. So, you got a taste of being totally open with who you are, and now that you're back (I'm assuming you're not out in your hometown) you feel sad because you feel you have to hide. am I right? You saw the world outside of the closet and it looks pretty damn sweet. Well, you'll just have to take the plunge. kick that closet door off its hinges and get out there. True, some people may not accept you, but those are toxic people you don't want in your life anyway and its better to know how can trust and you can't. Don't look at coming out as something that might make you loose friends, look at it as a test to see who is loyal and who isn't. good luck out there
