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Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual saint.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BloodyRose3000, May 16, 2011.

  1. BloodyRose3000

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    In less than a month I'm traveling to Missouri for 3 weeks to visit one of my friends (I did this last year, same time as well). I still haven't come out to her (or anyone else for that matter), and I feel like this would be a good opportunity to do it. The last time I went there, I tried just about everyday, and I was throwing hints left and right, but she never asked me if I was gay (I feel like if someone asked me I wouldn't lie about it, but the idea of outwardly coming out it is significantly more frightening). The big problem I'm having isn't worrying over whether she'd be okay with it or not (she's very liberal), but rather, since I'm 22, I feel like I've been telling all these lies for such a long period of time. Even more, since I've always strayed away from talking about my own sexuality, and I used to be extremely religious, she seems to think I'm some kind of asexual saint. Even more, telling someone I'm gay feels like the equivalent of of walking up to them and saying "I like cocks", or "I wanna get screwed up the ass", or something terribly crude. And in combination w/ her already thinking I'm some kind of saint, it's making coming out to her extremely difficult.
     
  2. Raeil

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    First, YAY Missouri!

    Second,

    These sentences fit to a T what I've been dealing with, although I'm 3 years younger. At this moment, there are probably about 300 people on my friends list that see me as a role model, and now I'm no longer in the faith. I say that to say this: I understand your frustration and discomfort. The moment I realized I had to tell everyone was the moment when I accepted that I had been lying to myself and to others because of that.

    So, here's what I would do: First, you need to realize that by telling someone you are gay, you are not being crude. If your friend told you that she had a boyfriend, she wouldn't be being crude by implying she's straight. This is a mental barrier, and one which you can definitely overcome. Second, if she doesn't know you're not very religious/less religious than what she remembers, you need to clear that up as well. I admit, it's difficult to do. So far, the friends I've come out to watched me stop being religious, so it's not a surprise to them. I expect this will be different with several of my other friends. Finally, if she doesn't ask, and you want her to know, then you'll need to come out without provocation. Is it nervewracking? Yes. Is it worth it? YES! If you feel that you are ready to be out to her, then I think you're ready to tell her! :slight_smile:

    Clearing up the misconceptions your friend has about you will not only be a great weight off of your shoulders, it should bring you two closer as friends. Being vulnerable and open is the key to good friendships, and I encourage you to take this frightening step if you feel you are ready for it!

    Good luck! If you need more encouragement, or want to vent, feel free to post to my wall or post here again. Let us know what happens! :slight_smile:
     
  3. xequar

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    This is going to sound wierd, but this actually will make it MUCH easier.

    Why do I say that? Well, I came out when I was 25. Before then, it was pretty common knowledge that I had not been sexually active and hadn't had a mate in, well, ever. Once upon a time, I was pretty religious, so some of my older friends attributed it to that. Others just figured I was one of those "nice" guys. When I finally came out, suddenly all of my friends were able see the picture for the puzzle they'd been trying to put together, and they all suddenly got it.

    I would guess that your friend thinks you're an asexual saint not because you're an asexual saint, but because that's the best theory they can figure out given the facts they have. This makes it easier for you, then, because your coming out will give them a couple of key facts they need to finally figure what they've been trying to figure out about you for awhile now. (and yes, they have been trying to figure out what your story is, I guarantee it better than Billy Mays would have on TV.) You come out, they'll finally see the complete picture of you, and it'll put some of those lingering questions that they have that are leading them to think you're an asexual saint to rest.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    Saying you're gay isn't like saying something crude at all. You need to get over that yourself before you are going to feel good about coming out to people. Perhaps that's why you haven't yet.

    Because being gay isn't purely about sex. It's about relationships and attraction. And I think your 'liberal' friend is going to know that already.

    Finally, don't worry about the fact that you're coming out now rather than a year ago or 10 years ago. You weren't ready to come out then, but you are now. And that's all that matters. Never have I read a story here where someone has come out to a friend or family member, and the friend or family member was fine with them being gay but disowned them for not telling them sooner. It doesn't happen. People understand that this is a big deal for us, and it takes us a while to figure it out and find the courage to share it.
     
  5. BloodyRose3000

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    I see what you're saying. And it'll definitely complete the puzzle of what people have been trying to figure out LOL :grin:.

    ---------- Post added 17th May 2011 at 07:26 PM ----------

    I suppose that's true. It doesn't seem anywhere as crude as it did a year ago, so perhaps it'll be easier with just a little more time.
    You know what it is, I almost feel like I have to defend how it is I know I'm gay. And from that it makes saying "I'm gay" the equivalent to "I watch porn", or something like that. I think that, more than anything else, is why I've associated coming out w/ saying something crude. And symbolically saying "I watch porn" to someone who thinks you're some kind of saint scares me out even more.
     
    #5 BloodyRose3000, May 17, 2011
    Last edited: May 17, 2011
  6. Lolguy

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    I'm sure she'll be ok with it if you just explain how nervous you were with telling her. Coming out to someone takes a lot of courage to do, and I'm sure she'll realize that. Through, from the sounds of it, you shouldn't have much problem with her asking a bunch of incriminating questions or being mad at your for not telling.

    Good luck and all too!
     
  7. BloodyRose3000

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    I have to say, I think she's a lot closer to me than I am to her, and it's because she has little to no reservations about telling me extremely personal things in her life, whereas I have much more trouble at admitting things. And he fact that she tells me so much makes me feel even crappier about not telling her/lying about such an important thing.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    I can TOTALLY relate to this. Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. Most people know me as someone who was married (to a woman) for 9 years and has 2 children. When I come out to people as gay, I feel an obligation to tell them how I figured that out after so many years. I don't want people thinking that I lied to my ex wife and knew all along that I was gay. But at the same time, how would I have figure out that I was gay while I was married to a woman? Did I use porn? Did I cheat with other men? Unfortunately the answer to both those questions is yes - but I don't actually tell anyone. Nor has anyone ever asked.

    So don't sweat it. Tell your friend that you're gay. She'll be totally fine with it.
     
  9. Holmes

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    How does someone know they like the opposite sex? Generally it has nothing to do with intimate parts of the body. It's the same with being gay. So if you tell her you're gay, she could as easily feel you know it because you find men, even fully clothed, attractive, whether those on TV or film, or just generally in life. Like a boy you know. She might ask you if there is any boy you both know who you like. She's probably not implying that you fantasize about him sexually, just that you find him cute.

    And don't worry about any feeling that you avoided it, that it feels like you lied. Everyone understands that people find it strange or awkward to talk about these things until they're ready in their own minds.

    It is always possible she has at least considered the idea. Does she ever ask you about girls? If you're as close as you describe, whether she does or not would be some indication of whether she has. Not that it matters in terms of whether she has thought of that, but do consider the possibility.
     
  10. BloodyRose3000

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    Re: Advice? I want to come out to a friend,but she thinks i'm some kind of asexual sa

    LMAO, I see what you're saying :thumbsup:

    ---------- Post added 20th May 2011 at 02:14 PM ----------

    No, she never actually asks me about girls. Tho, I used to always avoid the subject whenever it was in reference to me, so I suppose she got conditioned to doing that. Years and years ago she sort of asked me whether I was gay or not in a sly way, I suppose, but never again since then. Idk, she probably won't be all that surprised.