I apologize that this is such a long post. I have a lot to say, and I'd appreciate it if you take the time to read. Thank you! I'm sure this question has been asked a hundred, if not thousands (exaggeration) of times on this very website. I'm not sure of my sexuality, at all. I find women attractive, and I've had sex... I also find men attractive, and I've fooled around with two that I know quite well. My friend and I, we're both 19. W never talked in high school. Only a hey here or there. We stared becoming closer when we got into college and had almost every class together the first semester, and every class together the second. I now consider him one of my best friend's, and enjoy spending time with him. When we first started hanging out, it felt forced. We only started hanging out due to a mutual friend of our's, and it just ran it's course from there. It started becoming easier to talk to him. Before we know it, we're all video chatting, and having a good time with each other. I find out he's never had a girlfriend, and I'm not sure he has even kissed one? He doesn't like to talk about that topic to much. After we started becoming closer, he started to talk about different things. His parents aren't big on homosexuality, at all. His dad bluntly asked him if he was gay when he was like a Sophomore in high school, he said wtf no! He didn't tell me this, he told our mutual friend, and she told me. He eventually tells me. He also likes to bring up the topic of gay a lot. We were on our way home from college one day, and he asks me out of the blue "What would be the worse thing you could do to be thrown out of your house"? He says "I would if I was gay" ... I didn't really know what to say. He calls me gay, fa-, at least 20 times a day. It honestly doesn't bother me, because I know he's joking. I say it back to him, which kinda bugs him, but not really. He also likes to say "That's because I'm straight". We talk about girls. He talks about them to, but not like I do. Our mutual friend thinks he's gay, and tells me this. He also touches my arm, but just like patting on it, nothing sensual. I never would have suspected this about him, but as have grown closer, I keep feeling sexual tension almost. As I said earlier he brings up the topic of gay a lot, he did it just two weeks ago. We was sitting at pizza hut, things got quite. And he says, so... my parents were have this discussion about gay people, and how it's wrong. Random topic huh? I've never been so confused in my life. I like girls, but I can't deny that I like men sexually as well. My parents would be ok with it, as my older half brother is too. But him... We're going to be getting an apartment together this summer. I feel like he's waiting for me to say it, so he can? But I don't know if I'm just looking for signs closely because I want him to be? I left out a few examples, but I'll give you one more. We was chatting on Facebook. I said, don't let that one chic get ya (inside joke). He responds with, "I'll let whoever I want get me " ... I bring it up like two days later, and he said "oh yea didn't I say bye or something like that"? Since he said that I was like, "oh I forgot". I feel like the signs are there, but what if I'm wrong and I lose him? I'm scared you all... Terrified. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
I'd say he's being as blatant as he can be without fully letting the cat out of the bag. I'd give it a 90% confidence rating that he's gay (or into guys, or bi, or whatever non-straight label you want to use). Here's the problem: Neither of you want to put yourself out there and say it, and probably both of you are struggling with the fact you're attracted to guys. So since you're the one that's joined EC, you might be the one that has to take the leap of faith and say something like "OK, let's deal with the elephant out of the room. I'm attracted to guys, and I think you are too, am I right?" Worst that happens is he says no (which might mean no, but more likely means he isn't quite ready to acknowledge it), and even if so, I don't think he'll ditch you because of it, because it seems like you have a pretty strong friendship bond already. It will probably be the scariest thing ever but you need to do it. Also, as far as whether you're attracted to guys, girls, or both... consider this: Any time we are in the process of dealing with a loss -- in this case, perhaps, the loss of your identity as being straight -- there are stages we go through: denial ("No, I can't possibly be gay") Anger ("Why am I stuck with this BS of liking guys? I don't want it!") Bargaining ("Well, maybe I sorta like guys but i like girls too" or "Well maybe I have these feelings but I can change") Grief (mourning the loss of being straight), and acceptance. Nearly every gay guy has, at some point in their coming out process, said "Well, I like girls but I like men also" and in most cases, that's bargaining on the "bridge" to accepting oneself. If you want more clarity, you can try and look honestly at yourself: Do you really look at girls and find them attractive sexually when you're walking down the street, or do you mostly look at guys? When you watch porn, is it straight or gay porn? If straight, are you looking at the girl or at the guy? When you masturbate, are you fantasizing about guys or girls? If you can honestly answer that you think a lot about both guys and girls (and you're not just convincing yourself that you fantasize about girls when you really don't), then you're bisexual. If you find yourself realizing that it's guys that are the focus of your fantasies, your porn, your glances on the street, and your masturbation... then you have your answer. Your friend is likely going through the exact same thing. So if you admit to him that you're attracted to guys, likely he will do the same... and then you can figure out if you just want to be great friends, or if you want to become romantic partners. But you gotta take the step, because he's already put really blatant hints out there and is waiting for you to step up
Thank you for replying Chip (I like that username btw). I want to tell him, badly. I'm afraid that things will change though. Some days I feel like he is, other times not so much. If he brings up the subject of "gay" he is ok with it, but when I do it almost seems like he gets kind of uncomfortable? Maybe uncomfortable is not the right word, but that best describes it, and he'll say "f you!" but jokingly. I'm trying to figure out a way to subtly tell him, without actually telling him. He confuses me... He talks about women, but he doesn't really talk about boobs or butts. He just says she's hot, and that's it. I was talking about Shania Twain, he said she was unattractive. I said well who do you think is good looking then? He didn't say anything. Now I know this doesn't mean anything, but it's not the first time? I was kind of hinting around at the Bi thing today, but it was over facebook and no way am I doing that.
I am going to agree with chip I think your friend is gay but he is denying who he is. We all go through the stages of finding ourselves. As far as you go you could be bi-sexual if you feel attracted to other guys. I know you are scared at the moment but trust me when I first joined a week or two ago everyone here helped me feel welcome and were able to help me feel good about myself. THats only half the way the other half need sto come from you you need to say ok this is who I am and I will live my life with the new sense of discovery. It is easy said then done. IF you ever need to talk let me know I am always here for you.
Thanks y'all. I'm hoping to say something about it to him today. He doesn't joke this way with our other friends, I mean... We talk about masturbating and personal things you wouldn't share with just anyone.
Yeah, he does sound gay. And chip is right; since you're on here, looking for advice, you should be the one to "take the leap." You don't have to be so straightforward with him when you ask him about his sexuality. You could always just admit that you have (or possibly have) something for guys and just see how he reacts. Or you could just ask him if he likes guys right after you tell him that you do, your call. I took the approach of telling a friend whom I thought was gay that I was gay and just ended it there. For a little while, he sort of avoided me. But after a few days, we started talking, and he told me he was gay too. Sometimes it just takes a little motivation from someone else to really come out to others. I do wish you luck with everything and hope that it all goes well too.
I'm going to tell him... After what he just sent me, I feel like he really is trying to tell me. Him: damn Me: yea but turns out he now has a ride. Him: no way Me: i couldn't believe it either Him: gay? "gay" had nothing to do with the conversation, at all.
Update: I chickened out. We're hanging out on Thursday, do y'all think I should ask him? I just felt weird like mentioning it over Facebook. (Truthfully, my finger was shaking so bad I couldn't push the enter button)
This is particularly interesting to me. I don't post on EC that often, but when I do, I like to answer as well as possible. I've had issues with guys behaving this way, multiple guys at the same time. The one I really had feelings for, I told I loved him. I have to be honest; using the word love is risky, so if you choose to say how you feel, always tone it down. My situation was with a Catholic Korean boy with hardcore Asian parents. He always acted the same way, and actually even asked to see me naked (which of course I let him, and he wanted me to see him as well). Well, even after all of this, there were still a lot of things that were wedged between us. For some reason, the principal of our school got involved and told me that his parents didn't want me to see him (which I found out later they never said). The way I figure it, there cannot be huge repercussions. In my experience, the ones who call others gay that much are in the closet. The last guy I met that was that bad always called me gay, and then after he invited me to his house, he wanted to do stuff. xD Damn men! Also, if he's always bringing it up, it sounds as if he wants you to pursue the topic. However, be aware that if you bring up your feelings, he may shy away from you if only because he has still not accepted who he is. I cannot tell you what the proper course is, you should know from your heart what you think is right. If you don't know, the obviously it's not the right thing to do (at least right now). Also, lastly... and most importantly. I tend to avoid people like this if I can because they tend to cause anxiety and uncertainty. Not that being in the closet is bad, but as a homosexual, it's hard for me to maintain relationships with male friends without the borders becoming blurred, usually not by me... What I'm saying is, closet gays that I have been friends with make my life complicated. The way I see it, the only person who has the privilege to fuck up someone's life is the person they've given their heart to. And if they're in the closet, then they are probably are not ready to fully give their heart. However, this does not mean you should not pursue the idea of him perhaps coming out of the closet. Maybe you could coax him out through talking or what have you? He seems to be far more interested in discussing the topic of homosexuality than most guys I know who are in the closet. Usually they want to avoid it... But the easiest way to segway onto a topic like, "Are you gay?" without blatantly disregarding how he may react is to just have some playful banter. Often, things like (and excuse my language, but... =]), "Suck my dick, bitch," and "Make me," could turn into a question where you ask, "Would you ever...? What if you liked it...?" etc. Never disregard flirting. Charm is a tool that is highly underrated. EDIT: You know, as I scan the above posts again, I realize just how many people on EC jump straight to the discussing feelings with the person part instead of playing the game. Relationships are games, as is life, and games are no fun unless you play. It likes picking up a "Love Card" and showing it to the person, and you better hope they don't have a "Fuck Off Card"... Whenever you feel like you need to do something, try and remember it's not the destination, it's the journey to get there. If you have everything you ever wanted but it took nothing to get there, would you feel accomplished? I understand you don't want to lose him and you don't want to hurt, but also don't let that fear stop you from following how you feel. Truly, pain is the thing that will make you love harder; love stronger. If I had not hurt so much before, I wouldn't be so resolute with how I feel. Maybe it feels like hell when you're in the middle of it, but when you're out of the storm, you'll look back and think, "Damn, that was only a light shower."
Id like to address to you, a comment made earlier: >>>I want to tell him, badly. I'm afraid that things will change though. Some days I feel like he is, other times not so much. If he brings up the subject of "gay" he is ok with it, but when I do it almost seems like he gets kind of uncomfortable? Of course he is uncomfortable. He is doing his best at the moment to try and tell you who he is without actually telling you. Let me show where you contradict yourself: >>>I'm trying to figure out a way to subtly tell him, without actually telling him. Same thing? In my opinion, you cannot be subtle with this boy. Understanding comes from conversation, you need to talk about what you are most vulnerable, or that you are most scared of. Vulnerability is the mother to so many emotions; joy, sadness, excitement, relief, anger, grief, and shame. From vulnerability comes understanding, truth, and connection. Right now, you both seem to be afraid of the fact that you both like men. That is normal, however, beating around the bush wont solve the problem. You need to face you fear my friend, and you need to tell him who you are. Difficult, however, at the moment, I know, because you are not sure of who you are, but you need to tell him how you feel, and what you are going threw. Be serious with him, tell him there is something important that you need to tell him, and you would like him to understand. Chances are he will understand, and he will tell you about himself. I am not guaranteeing you two will have an intimate relationship. I am, however, telling you that this will be the first step towards your identity. Understanding him, being vulnerable with him, and him returning the favor, will be a beginning towards the future you seek. Love who you are, love who you want to be, and discover yourself.
Thank you so much silvousplait and TyRawr. I appreciate the advice. I see myself having a wife and kids, and the whole cliche suburban lifestyle so many people dream of. I want a love like my parents... The thing holding me back is fear. Fear of the unknown, and fear or losing someone I confide in. I look at men sexually, but I get jealous when he's out with someone other than me? Like I was with my past girlfriends... I think of women sexually/emotionally, at least I think I do? I almost told him... Except I made up a story (not a good idea I'm sure) saying that one of our friends asked if I was, and here is the conversation... Dylan says (1:23 AM) I don't know the story. I just know is that she wanted to ask me something serious, and I said sure anything, and well... that was the question Casey says (1:24 AM) what was your reaction to that? Dylan says (1:26 AM) like i told you two days ago... it threw me off. but i could tell by the tone of her voice, she had something serious to ask me Casey says (1:27 AM) i meant the actual question Dylan says (1:32 AM) that was my reaction... Casey says (1:32 AM) you're confusing Dylan says (1:34 AM) I know this Dylan says (1:35 AM) but by reaction what do you mean? reaction means like shocked, stunned, flabbergasted. Casey says (1:46 AM) i'm not sure Dylan says (1:51 AM) i think i know what you mean? Casey says (1:51 AM) i mean that i'm sleepy and am going to bed Dylan says (1:53 AM) oh, that. oh yea, i knew that Casey says (1:55 AM) yea yea cya tomorrow I sense so much tension in this conversation. Also I'm mad at myself for doing it over the internet, because I'm usually a talk in person kinda guy. :\
Update: He just texted me and said for me to go without him today, and we was planning on hangin' out today. I never should of brought anything up last night. I really wish there was such a thing as a time machine right now.
I apologize for posting so frequently, but can I please get some input on this current situation? It turns out I was worrying over nothing. He started talking to me tonight, and all is well, at least I think it is? The fake conversation that I made up was brought up in our convo tonight because he I told him I went and talked to the girl who I said asked me the question. He said... How did it go? I said "swell" ... He says "oh"? I said "yes. He says Well then, and gets offline while I'm away from my computer. Do you think he has been thinking about last night? Because I know I sure have, all day as a matter of fact. I wonder though if instead of saying yes I said "why wouldn't it of"? Maybe that would have got a different response out of him. I feel horrible though because I made up the story to get him to talk, I fee disappointed and ashamed of myself. I honestly just couldn't bring myself to actually bring up the conversation without nothing leading up to it. But I was thinking on this, and maybe me saying what I did will bring more of an opportunity to talk more about it in the coming days/weeks? Regarding that conversation by the way, when he said "what was your reaction to that"? I immediately thought... Wow. It's coming... But it's funny how a conversation can end so quickly huh? Thanks for reading this, and my previous posts. You all have been a tremendous help thus far!
Sorry to be so glib, but nothing's changed. Neither of you seem comfortable enough to make the first move of discussing that you may not be so straight. Hearing about these conversation gymnastics doesn't change the underlying advice that others have said that I also agree with. Especially: This advice is amazing. Just keep reading it! I'm not sure if in turn he will tell you about himself right away (he's not the one whose joined EC to further his acceptance process), but that's ok. You are coming out, or at least sharing something, to benefit yourself first.
Thank you all so much... You have no idea how much you have helped me these past few weeks. After a long time of thinking, and the need to say what needed to be said... I told one of my best friends that I find guys attractive too. She understood perfectly, and were she's Bisexual herself, we started talking about cute girls and guys. It felt so good, but awkward where I'm not use to discussing that side of me, and our sexual experiences. I still haven't told that person that I want to tell the most though. Apart of me thinks I never will, but the other part would love to right now. I think sometimes maybe I'm better off not knowing about him. Things are good the way they are, why risk it right?
Get your bisexual friend to come out to him - if she's willing. Then you'll know how he's likely to react.
Hmm. . .I'd say do it(In your situation, I'd start off with something neutral like "I know you talk about it a lot but, just know, you're my mate and I wouldn't care if you were gay" or something of that sort and then lead into "I'm in the same boat" if things go how you want them to), but be careful and logical. It seems pretty obvious that he's trying to give you hints that he shares similar feelings towards men, but not so obvious that he has feelings for you. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak(but if something does happen, great!).
Thats actually not a bad suggestion. He may then be tempted to come out to her, if he actually is gay/bi/?. I went through the same thing with my best friend, i.e. not wanted to tell him in fear of losing him. Im from Virginia, so coming out to a Southern boy is double hard. In the end, he was the last person I came out to. I came back to VA to be his best man at his wedding. We were sitting in Hooters (ironic, huh?). He asked if I was dating anyone. I said "Thats a story for another time." Ill never forget his next words "Johnny, I know. I have for a while. Just know that nothing will EVER come between us. I still love you like my brother." As expecting I started crying (in Hooters. :/) Anyway, sometimes you just gotta do it, even though your scared. But its all up to you. It sounds like you have some good friends for a support system. And theres always EC. - Johnny
I'd say talk to him about possibly being gay or even make a move. I'd say whats the worst that could happen, but at the same time you aree getting an apartment with him so it may mess that up. Now that I finally decided I'm bi i realized that sometimes everyone would be talking about girls and I wouldn't really talk as much because it would be when I wanted to talk about guys and what not (and I'm basically in the closet so i obviously couldn't) The way your describing him i feel like hes probably gay or bi, but has to be pushed out of the closet because of his parents. This reminds me of me nd my friend when I was 15, I always felt the connection and he would always flirt with me or pretend like he was gonna grope me and stuff, but then pull away. He is "straight" now, and we never did anything, but thinking back to it I wish I just made a move because I feel like if we talked about it he woulda actually been down. And he brings up the gay topic a lot (i do that now that I think about it) so its probably in his head a lot I think. IDK make a move if you want to. If hes really your friend he wouldnt care anyway and either say yes, or no, or if anything try and say u were just kidding. I usually ask for advice lol so i hope this helps in anyway =DD and i didn't read this whole thing, but like me ur probably bi, not straight or gay, and scared and we'll all figure it out someday in this crazy world lol
