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Feelings for a girl? Act or Don't Act

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Skiel, May 17, 2011.

  1. Skiel

    Skiel Guest

    I am very confused. There's this girl whose a friend and I am getting a little bit closer to her. By closer, I mean we are just getting to be better friends. She meets up with me time to time during my breaks from classes. I wouldn't say I love her but I do like her. I don't like girls often to the point where I would want to ask them out. But when I think about her, I think about a traditional cliche future with her. Kids, marriage and all. I know I don't like her in a sexual way but there's this compulsion and urge that I still want to be with her and hold her close to me. When it comes to guys I like them in a purely sexual way. I picture myself cuddling with a guy on dates but I don't see anything 20 years down the line. I remember reading a reply on one of these threads yesterday that gay people go through those stages like denial, anger, acceptance, etc. So am I just bargaining and trying to deny my sexuality? If that's the case, should I try to start something up with this girl and see how it goes? I have never went out with a girl or guy before.

    I thought I was actually going to come to terms with being gay by walking into a gay club last week and start taking baby steps, but now I'm running in the other direction and inching further back in the closet again. :bang:
    Do I really like her? Am I just denying my sexuality? Should I make a move on her?
     
  2. TyRawr

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    Hmm, I do not think that you two would have a sucessfull relationship 20 years down road to be honest. I think one of the reasons that you are unable to see yourself with a man 20 years down the road is because you dont want to. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think you do not completely love yourself yet. You probably resent the fact that you are gay in some unconscious way, and you now are trying to "change" and have a heterosexual lifestyle. This is more common than you think. Also considering that you are in your twenties, and that you have never had an intimate partner raises a good indicator for me. It would make since that anyone who shows you more then the slightest amount of kindness that you would feel like they are flirting. In this case she might be flirting considering that you are not out to anyone, however, you have already contradicted yourself. You want kids, and a heterosexual future with this girl, but you are not sexually attracted to women. Thats spells disaster.

    I would not even consider a relationship at this point in your life. You need to explore yourself more, and find out who you are. There are many loose ends that need tied up, and there are many things you need to come to terms with. You can be intimate with a man, you can love a man, and you can love yourself. Once you love yourself, you can truly love another.
     
  3. Raeil

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    Skiel, I have to say that your situation sounds very similar to my situation about a month before I started accepting my sexuality. I'll tell you what happened, and then attempt to give some advice based on that.

    In September of last year, I was still repressing my sexuality. This was mostly because I didn't want to freak out my roommate and I didn't want to lose my leadership position in my religious organization (which had the "homosexuality-is-a-sin" mindset). Anyway, I had actually not had any thoughts or urges towards guys for a while, and I started to notice this girl who lived next door. We didn't really know each other too well, but I did like her laugh, thought she looked great, and we started to get a little closer by talking a lot during meals. I also started thinking about a future with her. I could see myself coming home from teaching and seeing her at home, with dinner waiting, etc. No kids though, at least not during the ages I was seeing us in.

    It took about a month, but I finally managed to ask her out. She needed time to think about it, so I waited for her to get back to me. A week later, I was rejected by her. This triggered a mental examination of myself and my relationships which ended with me beginning the final stage of grief - acceptance. I actually thanked her, when I came out to her, for rejecting me, because without her doing that, I would have likely stayed in the closet for a few more years.

    So, advice time: I think you are bargaining. I don't want to squash your hopes, but your situation seems SO similar to mine that I honestly believe you're going through the exact same thing. If, upon thinking about your sexuality, you believe you are bargaining, then you should probably forget her as a date and just develop a friendship. However, if after thinking about it you are certain this isn't a bargaining attempt, then I'd ask her out. If you're wrong, then hopefully she'll reject you and you'll get a similar trigger moment. Maybe she won't, but in that case I hope you figure it out quickly should you be wrong. If you're correct, then you'll have a better understanding of who you are.

    Good luck with this! It's tough to be in a situation where you are unsure of yourself, but you can resolve it, I promise you! :slight_smile:
     
  4. olides84

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    Yeah to me it's the whole bargaining bit.

    Even after I knew and (thought I) accepted I was gay, I made a great friendship with a girl in my neighborhood a few years back. We'd meet up often going with our dogs to the dog park and to the river and for coffee. At that point, my friends were almost exclusively straight male (or their girlfriends), so I saw in her the same thing you did--someone I really connected with who maybe could be part of the typical couples and "wife and kids" existence.

    But I pulled back from that, mostly because it wasn't fair to her. I loved her as a good friend, but was never romantically or sexually attracted to her. She doesn't deserve to be burdened with a partner who isn't all those things. And now she has one, and I was honored to be at their wedding last year :slight_smile:
     
  5. Skiel

    Skiel Guest

    tyler, true I don't completely love myself (the gay part) i'll admit that much.
    and what olides said that it's not fair to the girl is true too. I wouldn't want to burden her at all. You sound so noble lol and you were at her wedding too! It sounds like a perfect story!
    And Raeil, hopefully i'll have it figured out soon. When you said that you didn't have urges for guys for awhile, then did you have urges for girls at all?
     
  6. TyRawr

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    Skiel, thats something people sometimes cant avoid. When I was discovering myself, I think i forced myself to fantasize over women. Ill admit, at one point I was in a sexual relationship with woman. I enjoyed sex, I enjoyed ejaculating, but I was not satisfied. Thats what makes me gay. I have realized that the only way for me to be happy, and satisfied is to be with a man. Now I dont even think about women. Its just become a part of me as I have found my identity.
    The same may happen for you.
     
    #6 TyRawr, May 18, 2011
    Last edited: May 18, 2011
  7. Raeil

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    During those phases where I didn't have any guy feelings, I didn't have any sexual urges at all. The only feelings I had were romantic ones for the girl I ended up asking out. I convinced myself I could eventually find her sexually attractive, but I didn't, and I don't think I would have.
     
  8. AtmaWeapon

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    I would not overanalyze this in terms of sexuality and see what comes of this. Your sexuality shouldn't serve as a leash. Just be honest with yourself and her. Be honest that you feel whatever you feel for her. If something happens, be honest about your confusion and that you identify as you do but have these feelings, if it comes to that. And trust your gut at all times under any and all circumstances.

    You're unsure but you're sure you're not straight, right? You can be out with what you know is true of yourself. Explore but be honest. I would evade anything that is a relationship (dating =/= relationship imo) unless you are sure, but otherwise, see where it takes you.
     
    #8 AtmaWeapon, May 19, 2011
    Last edited: May 19, 2011
  9. IanGallagher

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    Some gay guys fall in love with girls and do get happily married. I moved in on being bi as a strange straight guy. Others move in on being bi as strange gay guys. I'd say you owe it to yourself to let this develop. Sexuality is fluid, not black and white. These feelings are there for a reason. Worst thing you can do is deny it since you lived most your life one way. I let a guy slip away that way.

    I'd say make sure you can only think about being with them while you're with them though. I'd never date a girl if I'd want a guy while with her, and I'd never date a guy if I'd want a girl while with him. I fantasize about something like 'A Home at the End of the World.' So, try to take into account if you can be with them completely and be honest up front.
     
    #9 IanGallagher, May 23, 2011
    Last edited: May 23, 2011