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my civil partner used to be a slut, leading to hiv infection...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bartyboy, May 17, 2011.

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  1. bartyboy

    bartyboy
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    something has been bothering me for months here, and it has come to the point that i believe i need some professional help - counselling. unfortunately i have no luck to find the right counsellor who can offer counselling to a gay guy with hiv. therefore i am hoping if i post a message here today, i can get some advice at some point.

    cut the long story short, i met my partner in december 2009. we broke up once (april 2010) cos i discovered him cheating on me. after a couple of talks i agreed to give our relationship a second chance. since i discovered his cheat, i always had doubts about his hiv status. (he was cheating on me for having unprotected sex with another guy.) i wasn't keen on having sex with him when we first got back together. he noticed there was something wrong, so i made it clear and plain to him that i wanted him to have a hiv test. he told me he already had one in april 2010 and his result was negative. but to give me a peace of mind, my partner agreed to get another hiv test. he went to a health clinic in london to have his test. before the test he was very confident that he would still be hiv negative. but two hours after the test, he refused to communicate with me while i was still at work. it did make me wonder that something has gone terribly wrong.

    when we talked on the phone that evening, he broke the news to me that he was tested hiv positive. he said he caught the virus by sucking someone's cock before he met me, i knew it was a lie. anyway i knew i would be in trouble, so i booked myself for a hiv test in two weeks time. on 25 june 2010, i went to the same clinic for a hiv test and i was tested hiv positive too. i was shocked and completely confused. the health advisor told me i was newly infected. i was tested negative in jan 2010 and april 2010, so i knew it was my partner who infected me with the virus.

    i was struggling to cope with the infection at first, especially when i started to get very tired at work during the day, i just could not concentrate at all. i started to question myself why i have ended up in this situation.

    one weekend in november, i decided to have an open discussion with my partner about the whole hiv thing. i went straight to the point asking him how many guys he had sex with. he paused then wrote down a list of guys who he had sex with in 2010 - there were 10 different guys on the list. he had unprotected sex with 10 different guys just in 1 year. i was totally freaked out. i asked him if he had even contacted those guys again to inform them that he was tested hiv positive. he answered no. i was absolutely speechless.

    i did a little investigation here, i reckon since he broke up with his ex in june 2006, my partner had slept with approx 30-40 guys without protection. i suddenly feel that i am lost here, i don't know where i stand at all. we had a lot of arguments and fights about his sexual history. to me, in many angles, i feel that he deserves to get the hiv virus. i have no idea how and why he could allow himself to sleep with so many different guys in london without protection.

    as his past really bugs me, and it has passed the point that i cannot tell if i still love him or i just hate him. he is a bottom guy, i am struggling to cope with the idea that his hole has been entered by so many different 'raw' cocks in the past. I did try to forget about his past, but every time when i go to a hospital to give 8 test tubes of blood sample, i just get so angry that he has led me to this mess - and i guess it was his guilt to make him ask me to marry him after my hiv test.

    the confusing part of the whole thing is, my partner, in some ways, does seem that he loves me and he cares about me. i do believe he must have some feelings for me, but again when i think about his past which causes me to have hiv, i just get very frustrated here. i wish i could get over the issues but i simply can't, this is why i am looking for some help here.

    sorry for the long post... any advice and suggestions are very much appreciated!
     
    #1 bartyboy, May 17, 2011
  2. bryan176

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    Whats done is done, don't concentrate on the past look towards the future think of this as a new forum of life. I understand that you are anger with him but do not hold that against him.
     
    #2 bryan176, May 17, 2011
  3. Chip

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    It seems to me like your partner has a lot of deep issues, not the least of which is being faithful. From what you're saying, he also doesn't seem to have much remorse for the fact that he's infected you.

    So one of the first q's i'd ask you is, what, exactly, do you see in him? It sounds like you might also have some sense of "this is the best I can do" or something going on within yourself, in which case, therapy would be an excellent place to start in better undrestanding yourself.

    I'll disagree with Bryan in saying that I think your anger with him is well placed, and you have a right to feel it, particularly if he's shown no real sense of remorse toward his behavior and his lack of transparency with you. If he doesn't "get that", then there really isn't much authentic to your relationship at all. If he does, then the next step is for him to genuinely start working on himself, and that's going to require a lot of work.

    As far as finding a counselor, I don't know much about the English system, but I suspect that there are probably quite a number of counselors for people with HIV, as that's one of the most common needs for counseling. Perhaps either your GP or someone in the health center can help you find a referral you feel comfortable with.

    Please keep us informed of what's going on for you.
     
    #3 Chip, May 17, 2011
  4. bartyboy

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    thank you both for the advice here.

    to answer chip's question about, what, exactly, i see in my partner?

    i see him as someone who is worse than a prostitute/rent boy to be perfectly honest. a prostitute/rent boy performs sex with different clients for money, but my partner did it because he was obsessed with sex. it is fair enough that we all have different levels of sex demand/desire, but going back to his case, he performed bareback sex with lots of different guys, this is something i just cannot work it out and understand.

    he says to me, from time to time, that he feels guilty about my hiv status, but overall i don't think he really realises and understands that his past/sexual history is a problem - a real big problem.

    just like many others, if there is still 1% of chance to recuse/improve the relationship, i would rather make the efforts than letting the relationship die. but what can i really do here?

    my partner is not a bright person, how can i show/hint him that it is down to him now to start working on himself, and he needs to do a lot of work to fix the problem?

    once again, many thanks for your help!
     
    #4 bartyboy, May 18, 2011
  5. Ben

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    I really think you need to get the hell out of there—I don't really see you offering any good reason why you should stay with him, what he did was extremely careless and selfish. There are different strands of HIV, and a whole host of other diseases, that he might give you if you stay together. From what you've said, it sounds very doubtful that he would remain faithful to you in the future.

    If you go to your GP then they'll hook you up with people to talk these things over with. Sexual health clinics up here in Scotland, where the NHS is a bit suckish, are really well organised, and there're an array of different services they can offer you.

    I might be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure it's now illegal for him to have sex with anyone without letting them know his HIV status first (it's questionable that he had unprotected sex with you when running a significant chance of being positive). You should probably let him know that. And it's probably worth telling him that having sex with other HIV+ people unprotected isn't going to be any good for him either due to different strands of he disease.
     
    #5 Ben, May 18, 2011
  6. Chip

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    I'm in agreement with Ben.

    You offer no remotely compelling reason to stay with him, and plenty of reasons why you should leave him.

    In general, it's a *terrible* idea to get into a relationship with someone who has serious problems expecting them to change. In your case, he's already shown himself to be untrustworthy and, as you said, he's acted like a rentboy.

    Think about yourself. Are *you* really feeling so bad about yourself that you're willing to stay with someone with so many problems and so few positive attributes, and who you've essentially admitted has a 99% chance of continuing his current patterns?

    You deserve better, and you can definitely find better. Let him go.
     
    #6 Chip, May 18, 2011
  7. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    I am terribly sorry that your partner infected you with HIV. I completly understand that you're angry with him for having cheated on you, for having been so careless in his sexual encounters and for giving you HIV. That is a lot of things to deal with !

    Your partner probably has serious issues of his own for acting the way he did, but nothing in what you've been writting indicates that he seems to realize how dangerous and harmful his behavior was both to you and to himself.
    On the side of it, I can't help but notice you don't seem to have much of respect for you partner (and that's not a criticism, merely a observation, it is hard to show respect toward someone who obviously has no respect for himself in the first place). That you are angry about your partner for having a sexlife that leaded you to be infected with HIV is very understandable, but you also said you partner isn't bright and wouldn't understand that he needs to work on his issues... That is making me wonder why you're staying with him.
    You said that if you're having only 1% chance to change or improve your relationship you'd rather make the effort than letting it die. That is something I completly understand and if you still love your partner, besides the legitimate disapointment and anger, I say go for it and do your best, at least you won't have any regrets if it doesn't work out. But my question is, do you still love him, besides the legitimate disapointment and anger ? Because if you're not having any love left for him, if that the only thing you can feel now are bitterness and resentment, if you stay only because of habits with a man you don't understand anymore... maybe it's time to leave.

    I hope you will find a great counselor who will be able to help you finding some peace of mind again and let us know how you're doing.

    Take care, Cécile
     
    #7 Eleanor Rigby, May 18, 2011
  8. bartyboy

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    hi all, thank you so much for your suggestions here. they are all noted.

    what i am really battling here is, i do love my partner. and this is why i am stuck. i would have left him months ago and even sued him for infecting me with the hiv virus if i did not love him. but deep down in my heart, i do love him.

    i know i sound i am the one who causes all these pains and nightmares here. I wish i had some sort of power which allows me to resolve the whole thing in my own hands. this is why i believe i need a counsellor/third party for help.

    i think what i really need to know is, whether there is any ways or solutions to resolve the issues here. if there is a chance, then i will take the risk. if there is absolutely no chance, then i will get a civil partnership dissolution with him...
     
    #8 bartyboy, May 18, 2011
  9. Eleanor Rigby

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    Well, if you're still in love with him, you're going to need to talk to him and let him know that you want to try and save your relationship, but that you're not going to be able to do the work all alone.
    It's not only about you being able to forgive him for the (very) bad decisions he made and for intecting you with HIV, it's also about him to be able to understand why you're feeling the way you do and to be able to make amends for his past behaviour, and it's about the two of you being able to communicate again and to earn each other's respect.
    That will be a lot of work that will require dedication and for the both of you to be ready to face issues that you (as individuals and/or as a couple) have been running from since now.
    That will only be possible if the two of you are on the same page about wanting to save your relationship and to go on counseling to do so.
     
    #9 Eleanor Rigby, May 18, 2011
  10. Gumtree

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    This may seem harsh or inappropriate, but I think most other points I can think of have been covered.

    But, is there a possibility that you're staying with your partner, or still feel attached to him, because you DO have HIV?

    I mean this in the sense that, is it fear of becoming a single man with HIV and/or an insecurity that suggests you wont be able to find someone else/better, or perhaps a feeling of "If I've contracted HIV from this situation, the least I can get in return is a relationship".

    I can't certainly see how someone might feel that the pain and sacrifice, although unwilling, someone would go through by contracting HIV would be enough to make it seem like leaving the relationship would be like getting ripped off.
     
    #10 Gumtree, May 18, 2011
  11. bartyboy

    bartyboy
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    hi gumtree, thank you for your note.

    i did ask myself the same question before, and i am glad that you have brought it up here to talk about. at some point, i do feel i still stay with my partner because he infected me with the hiv virus, but this is not the main reason for my action. i do love him and want to settle down with him for a normal life.

    you are right about the insecure feeling that i have here. i do fear that i will not be able to find someone else. but having said that, if i have to suffer any emotional abuse from my partner, i will stop myself and let him go.

    i am not trying to sell myself here as an angel or a god, cos i am not. i am just like many other people who want to settle down and enjoy life with that special person. to me, this is my goal, so before i started dating, i got myself tested for hiv and other std. i just wanted to make sure i was all clean and healthy for a relationship. and now i am looking back, it seems that all my efforts were wasted. it is hard to believe i concerned about my partner so much (in sexual health wise) when we first met, but he did not give a 'monkey' about what virus he could pass to me. i was totally speechless after i told my mum i was hiv+. i could really cry senselessly here, i really don't know what to do...
     
    #11 bartyboy, May 18, 2011
  12. Gumtree

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    It's worrying for me that every time you talk about what you want, and how you want to live your life, you keep talking about 'special person' 'special someone' etc, not about your current partner himself.

    I fear you're settling for comforts sake, not for loves sake.

    Remember that any resentment or bitterness you hold right now may not be enough to make you want to leave your partner now, but it can grow very easily.

    I think you need to take a step back and segregate the issues.

    1. Asses your relationship. Ignore the HIV, pretend it never happened. How do you feel about your relationship now, and how do you see it in the future?

    2. Consider your own HIV, and ignore your partners. How does this affect you personally, and how does the reality that he gave it to you influence your relationship and feelings towards him.

    3. Consider HIS HIV. Can you handle knowing what he's done, and who he's been with? Are you still attracted to him, and if he gets sick, or both of you, are you going to stick it out with him?

    If you get a negative response to any of these, then I suggest that there is no future for your relationship with this man.

    If you believe you can overcome all three, then I wish you the best of luck for your future.

    There's love out there for everyone, don't ever settle for less than love for fear of nothing better - it is nothing but desctructive to both parties.
     
    #12 Gumtree, May 19, 2011
  13. bartyboy

    bartyboy
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    hi gumtree, thanks for your message again.

    your advice really did open my eyes, and i really appreciate it very much that you spent some time to analyse my issues/problems here.

    1. based on what you suggested here - ignoring my current hiv status, i can see myself living with my partner fine in this relationship, despite the fact that he was super slutty in the past. it may be tough at the beginning and also it may take me a while to get over his sexual history. but i am 100% sure that it will not be an issue. the past is the past, it's done and dusted. no one can change the history.

    2. becoming a hiv patient, it does give me a negative thought and impression about my future. i understand it is not a death sentence anymore and the treatment has now been improved a lot from the past. but still i am carrying the virus with me every day, i don't know what is going to happen to me tomorrow.

    influence wise, it would be a lie if i say nothing has changed in my relationship. overall, i think the trust issue is the major thing that I am concerned and worried about here. i trusted him 100% in the past, but now how much can i trust him? i still have the same feelings towards him, or i won't be tearing my hair out here now to try to resolve the issues - seeking for counsellor for advice.

    3. it was a big big shock when he talked about his sexual history openly with me. i did struggle to understand, cope and get over his past, but i managed to move on in the end. there were so many guys who my partner has been with in the past, i have already given up to ask him about all these guys anymore, cos it will be a never ending conversation. but having said that, i discovered 2 text messages on his phone that he has kept for 1-2 years now. the text messages contain two different addresses and a short hooking up note. i can't quite work it out why he is keeping those messages from his old shags on the phone. since he was tested hiv+, he has been sick seriously several times, i have no issue to look after him while he is sick. in fact i have done a hell of a lot here to show him i will stick with him no matter what happens to us.


    i do feel a lot more positive about the whole thing now, i can also see i am making a positive progress here with my issues/problems. i really do mean it when i say i appreciate all the help and advice from you all here. a big big thank you!
     
    #13 bartyboy, May 19, 2011
  14. EM68

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    Have you thought of couple counseling? From what I'm reading you want to stay with him but you have resentment. That is perfectly understandable. Also have you gone back to the clinic where you both were tested to see if they offer HIV counseling?
     
    #14 EM68, May 19, 2011
  15. bartyboy

    bartyboy
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    hey there, thanks for your message.

    i have thought about the couple counselling but the only concern i have with that is i will not be able to discuss my real issues with the counsellor when my partner is there at the same time, and also there will be a lot of 'dirty laundry' which my partner will not allow me to tell the counsellor if we go together. therefore i think, in this occasion, we may be better to go counselling separately instead.

    i haven't been back to the clinic where my partner and i took our hiv test before. the reason for that is because the clinic is located in london, and i live 160 miles away from london. i only went to that clinic is because i was in london at that time.

    i managed to find a counsellor who i believe he is prefect to advise/help me, but he is based in london and he doesn't work on saturday morning. i cannot find another counseller within my region to offer counselling to gay men with hiv.

    things are just not that easy...
     
    #15 bartyboy, May 19, 2011
  16. stageone

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    A lot to deal with, and I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like you are really determined to make your relationship work. You are putting everything you have and are on the line. Your commitment is admirable, but this:

    i will not be able to discuss my real issues with the counsellor when my partner is there at the same time, and also there will be a lot of 'dirty laundry' which my partner will not allow me to tell the counsellor if we go together

    makes me think it is misplaced. Your partner is not taking responsibility for his own actions or allowing you to be honest about the issues in your relationship. (And counselling is pointless without total openness about any relevant information.) There is no trust- with good reason, as he has severely abused your trust- and no real commitment on his part. This is a really unequal and unhealthy relationship. Not that it will be easy to let go and leave... It will be important to have supports in place whatever you decide. Kudos for seeking counselling and being part of EC. Good first steps.
     
    #16 stageone, May 19, 2011
  17. bartyboy

    bartyboy
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    hi stageone, thank you for your message.

    it will really be a different one if we go to a couple counselling together. to me, i am happy to talk/discuss anything about my relationship, cos i know i have done nothing wrong to my partner and to our relationship. i always make my commitment to him.

    the reason why i say "there will be a lot of 'dirty laundry' which my partner will not allow me to tell the counsellor if we go together", is because i have experienced this situation before. just right after my hiv test the health advisor wanted to know the background between me and my partner. so i told the advisor everything (i was alone with the advisor then), including my partner cheated on me before and he told me he caught the hiv virus by sucking someone's cock. anyway later on my partner knew i told the full story to the health advisor, so my partner started to judge and criticise the advisor that the advisor did not like him. i have no idea why my partner would think things like that. the only thing i can think of is my partner 'assumes' people would hate him for what he did to me. so the whole thing is not easy at all.

    i can see if we go to see a counsellor together, my partner will make the same remark about the counsellor once i have told the counsellor everything. if that is the case, my partner will not listen to and believe the counsellor's advice, cos he will assume the counsellor hates him too, then it will be pointless for the whole counselling session... :frowning2:
     
    #17 bartyboy, May 19, 2011
  18. Eleanor Rigby

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    My husband and I did couple counseling for several months around a year ago. But couple counseling doesn't mean you're both with the counselor all the time. Our counselor had sessions with both of us, sessions starting with both of us and them with one or the two of us seperatly afterward, and also sessions with one of us only.
    That is completly normal that you're not comfortable talking about some issues in front of your partner, and vice versa, that is something your counselor will be aware of and so he/she will deal with it according with his/her method.
    I think that the thing you have to worry about now is to get your partner on board with your project of counseling.

    Take care, Cécile
     
    #18 Eleanor Rigby, May 19, 2011
  19. bartyboy

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    hi cécile, thank you so much for your message again.

    as i have never been to any forms of councelling, so your note is really helpful and useful to me. apart from getting my partner on board for counselling, the next task that i also need to do now is to find the right counsellor for us. i understand it will not be straightforward, but i will see what i can find here...
     
    #19 bartyboy, May 20, 2011
  20. Gumtree

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    I'm not sure how it works in the UK financially, but from my knowledge of the field, when it comes to counsellors and psychologists. You generally get what you pay for, unless you fluke someone that's working for passion in a niche field.
     
    #20 Gumtree, May 20, 2011
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