I have a problem...The problem is, I dont see it as a problem. I am a self injurer. I started when I was about 13 or 14, and did it for a good 2 years straight, then i stopped. until recently, I have been doing it again. I like it. I am not depressed, I do not do it to cover up pain, or to make pain real. I just like to do it. I do it in moderation, its like a treat really, and in places that no one can see. but I know I shouldnt do it, but I dont know how to convince myself to not like it. to not want it, all those years that I went with out doing it, I wanted to everyday, sometimes even doing dishes was hard, because of the temptation. Any advice?
I know exactly what you're going through. I've been clean from cutting for a little over one month now, and it really is hard to convince yourself that you have to stop. From what you've said, I'm certain that what you're dealing with is an addiction. I've been told that the act of cutting releases some kind of pain-killing chemical into your bloodstream, which is why it feels so good, and why it's not always as painful as you think it should be. For me, I wouldn't stop until it hurt enough, so sometimes my cuts got VERY deep because of this chemical. You also know that you have to stop, which is very good. So let me throw some reasons to stop at you that I've used to help others with this addiction. No matter how careful you are when you cut, it's very easy to make a mistake and injure yourself really badly, and possibly even die. Let's say you use a kitchen knife and accidently sever your main artery. If you can't stop the bleeding, you'll be unconscious in seconds, and you'll likely bleed out. Other than that, you have tetanus and infection. My medical knowledge is rather limited, but hopefully JayHew will see this thread and be able to give you some more medical reasons to stop cutting. Beyond that is something cutters don't tend to consider, emotional damage. By hurting yourself, you're damaging your sense of self-worth. You're disrespecting yourself, and the longer you do it, the more your self-esteem will suffer. Argue this point if you will, but by injuring yourself, you're telling yourself that you're not worth protecting and keeping safe. Another big reason is that, should anyone who cares about you find out about this, the very thought of you harming yourself is going to hurt them. Hurting yourself hurts those who love you much worse than it hurts you. You may be hiding it now, but the people in your life are more observant and intelligent than you may give them credit, and sooner or later, one of them is going to find out. By hurting yourself, you are also hurting those you love, whether you want to or not. Please PM me if you have any questions or need anymore help than I'm able to give right now (I have to get back to work). I want to help you to stop. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it! And as much as you say you like it, the fact that you posted here says that there's a part of you that knows how bad this is.
I'm assuming you've read this thread... http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3726 I don't know that this is a recognized 'addiction' but in our discussions here it certainly seems like it is. And with other addictions, they say once and addict, always an addict. There's no way to 'cure' yourself, you just need to stay ahead of the addiction with positive recovery work. So whether you seem to be OK with things right now or not, something in your life has let the addiction 'catch up' with your recovery. It might be the stress you're under right now regarding these orientation issues. Who knows. But the fact is that you need to dedicate some energy to getting 'ahead' of the addiction again. I hope this makes sense. "Angelonfire" is our resident expert on this subject. But we're all here to help one another, and anything I can do I will. Take care. And good luck. PM me if you need to.
I do like the pain ( I like pain, i like it pretty rough in the bed room too) There isnt anything I dont like about it actually. I like the sound, I like the blood, I like the scars. well you get it...I have read some of that thread, not all of it yet, cause it is long. I know its not good, and I know that I do chance getting caught and making a mistake, I have made mistakes before in the past... I just cant find reason to stop, something that means more to me then the way it makes me feel when I am doing it. Ive done my research before, but, I dont know, before, it was actually the girl I am in love with now who made me stop. but no one knows I am doing it right now. and I do want to stop for her again, because if something were ever to happen between us, she would know I was doing it again and I dont want to do that to her. again. At the same time I know I have reached that point that unless I want to stop for me, then I know that stopping for someone else isnt going to work. I dont know If I could see for it really was, and ignore how it makes me feel it would be so much easier.
Ok... here's another thread that we've got going on... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4384 I've posted some stuff in there about addiction. The fact that you're hiding this from people means that you do really know it isn't right. Give this thread a read, and see. You need to break yourself from the habit... surely you'd agree that you don't HAVE to cut to survive. It's a problem if you can't stop doing it, even if you want to.
Like having a friend cut themselves? That's what it took for me. Although, I cut partly because I liked the pain, but mostly because I hate myself. So it's a bit different for me, although I still became addicted to the sensation. Anyway, in order to step outside of your addiction and see it for what it really is, you really need to see it happen to someone else. I mean, I'm sure there are other ways to see past how it makes you feel, but that's the easiest. You'd be surprised how quickly you become concerned about a complete stranger when they tell you that they cut. Or maybe it's just me. You're absolutely right that you have to want to quit for yourself first, but when you know that someone who cares very deeply about you will be very hurt if they discover what you're doing, that's a huge motivational factor for change. Try picturing what would happen if she walked in on you while you were in the act. How would she react? How would it make her feel? I apologize if nothing I'm saying is helping. This is a real person-by-person thing, so it's hard helping someone without knowing most/all the facts. My offer for PMing still, and always will stand. If I can help, please let me know.
Hmmm..... Well, at least you realize it is a problem. Have you considered talking to a psychiatrist, they may be able to help you. Also, try to find "Angel on fire" on EC. She has been through this and often posts about it.
