Hi, my name is Maddie and I'm from a small town south of St. Louis. I first realised I was a lesbian in 8th grade when I first started going to public school and had to use the gym locker room. It didn't take very long for me to get the title of "The Dyke" which doesn't really suprise me much looking back on it, since my town is not very understanding of homosexuals. It took me a long time to even get remotely comfortable with my sexuality. I met a really sweet girl and we have been going out for about a year and a half now, secretly of course. Now I'm 16 and going to be a junior in highschool, and dealing with a different problem. Well, two problems I guess you could say. At school I'm being harassed by pretty much everyone but the few friends I have, and they get harassed to because they're associated with me, and my parents are both very homophobic. I guess I'll start with school. When I chose my highschool I decided to go to school with my current crush at the time, she didn't know i was a lesbian. When I finally told her she told everyone at my new highschool, once again earning me some pretty interesting nicknames. Since then I've been getting notes in my locker telling me to "Get the hell out dyke" among other things. I'm not really sure how to deal with it, I'm not exactly strong spoken and I definatly don't know how to stick up for myself. Whats worse is that my friends get picked on too, I don't think it would be so bad if they didn't suffer for it too... Then there's my parents. I told my mom a few months ago that I was a lesbian, which... wasn't well recieved. Since then my relationship with my mom has been extreemly awkward and she seems to be under the impression that I just want to screw the hell out of every girl I see. She also constantly tries to set me up on dates with boys my age, which is just akward for everyone, and makes my girlfriend uncomfortable. Then there is my dad, who just doesn't know yet. Me and my dad have aways been really close but I'm afraid that I'll mess up my relationship with him just like i seem to have with my mom. Not to mention pretty much all of my extended family is homophobic too... So.. I'm not really sure what to do.
I'll be honest, I don't fully know how to deal with either of these things, as I haven't experienced them. I can offer some advice based on how I think I would respond in your situation, but just know that my advice is based on simulation, not experience. First, as far as the harassment goes, if your school is public, then you should immediately report people who harass you. Harassment is not tolerated for anything in public schools, and you can be protected by the authority figures. If you're in a private school, where you could get kicked out/in serious trouble for simply being who you are, it's a little trickier. You could transfer, but that won't solve the whole problem. You could also try owning up to the insults. A cocky smile and/or a well-placed "Yeah... and?" can go a long way with most bullies/harassers. When insults don't have any effect, most bullies stop trying. Second, I'm really sorry about the strained relationship with your Mom. (*hug*) Have you tried going to eat with her and having a discussion about how you feel? It seems like she is in denial or bargaining (one of the five stages of loss) and having an honest discussion about how you feel and how she feels could go a long way! I don't know how things will work out, but in time I think she'll come to accept you for who you are, once she gets over the image she had of you before you came out. Also, there's your Dad. You say that you're already close to him, which I think is definitely a good thing. I'd try to talk things over with your Mom first, but if she doesn't change her act, it seems to me like it would be good to talk to your Dad. Since you're close to him, I think he'll react well, especially if you can catch him at a time when you can talk to him for a while. That way, he can be reminded that you're still the same person as you were before you told him. Finally, I'm sorry that your extended family is homophobic. I'm kind of in the same boat, but if you can get your parents on your side, then there won't be anything to worry about on that front. Regardless, they'll need time to react when they find out. Hopefully they come to accept you, but it could take a while, especially if they have assumptions and misconceptions like your mother seems to. I'm sorry that you're in this homophobia filled situation, but it does get better! Good luck in all your endeavors, and know that we're here to help with anything! (*hug*)
First off give your mom time to understand that this is who you are she may come around with in time. You should also try to get her to stop setting you up on dates with boys, what you could do is lie to her and go and hang out with friends that are guys and girls. As far as your dad is concerned here is what you should do, Ask him what he thinks of homosexuals and how he would treat someone if he had a son/daughter who was one. IF he over reacts and asks why are you? tell him its your friends of he is cool with it then at that point you can tell him if you want that you are one. Trust what you feel though things always happen for a reason.
Thanks both of you, its nice to have new insite on this topic. My friends have tried to give me advice but its good to hear what other people think too. I go to public school, so I have considered asking for help from the school, but I'm somewhat concerned it would start to extend outside of the school. I ended up going to the school in my own town so its not like I wouldn't see all of the kids in my school anyway. And then there wouldn't be anyone to really go to for help. I don't know maybe I'm just a bit paranoid. ^_^; As for my mother thats pretty good advice from both of you, and I would quite like to stop my mom from trying to set me up on dates. The only problem with going out to eat with my mom is that she works nights and sleeps during the day when we could go get lunch, and is usually driving to work around dinner time. But I will definatly try to catch her on her days off. Then the advice for my dad and the rest of my family I can definatly handle. My dad is a mechanic and works in his shop alone a lot so it won't be a problem to talk to him alone for a while. Thanks again for the advice :icon_bigg
Sucks that you are getting bullied, but you definitely have to ask for help about it. Talk to a counselor or go straight to the principal. They have to stop by law and you should never feel like you are unsafe at school. I know it can be scary, but go for it. It will pay off at the end. I'm sorry about your mom, but like someone already mentioned maybe she just needs time. Maybe try talking to her about what bothers her so much and you could also mention PFLAG to her. Are there any LGBT clubs or organizations around your area that you could go for support? There is nothing worse than the feeling of being alone, but there is a whole community out there willing to fight with you. You just have to reach to them
I think I'll go to the counciler then, on Monday. Though really the only thing left in school this year are the finals, maybe it'll get them to better enforce the no bullying / harassing rules next year. As for my mom I'm going to see if we can work this out because I know I'm not happy with the way things stand and I'm sure she isn't either. I'll see if we can go out to breakfast sometime in the next week or two i suppose, that would probably work. And there is a LGBT group in the city but I really don't have a way to get there at the moment, I don't have a working car. But I do get a lot of support from my friends and my girlfriend, they're so sweet, so I don't really feel that alone. But I really would like to join the group when I get the chance. Just wanted to say thanks again you guys have been a huge help. <3
Nice to see you're taking action. I'm going to talk about your extended family. Are you close with any of them, because if you aren't don't worry, they don't need to know. I have this issue with extended family on my step-dad's side. They just won't know.
