Basically I've been confused for a while and I just have reached a point where I just need help figuring myself out. I just turned 20 the other day, so basically I'm still 19 lol and I don't know what I am. Remaining as anonymous as possible (sadly) I've had feelings for guys since I was about 14, and have spend basically the last 6 or so years hiding it. However, at the same time I still have feelings for girls as well, but as of late the feelings towards guys have been stronger than girls by a lot. Also, the feelings for girls aren't entirely gone so I don't know what to say. Anyway, I'm basically your average white teenager, that your not going to think is gay when you first meet me. My favorite music is rap by a lot and I'm always playing it, and my favorite sport is basketball (its almost an obsession I play/follow it religiously), with football a close second. I wear your regular guy clothes (which I love, one thing I don't do is hide my identity, I like the clothes I wear, from when I'm playing sports to going out I just come off as a straight guy). I was never really bullied in highschool for being gay, or gay assumptions, and the thing that would give me away the most is my voice (which isn't even that iffeminate). I feel like the story I'm writing I've read 1000 times but here is my twist. I wasn't bullied also because (it's gonna sound cocky but here it goes) I've been pretty popular forever. Throughout highschool I was always the center of attention (as a straight kid, of course) as in college. People tell me that I bring people in, and I do consider myself a people person, which helps me have a lot of friends. I am extremely sociable and everyone on my campus knows me (and everyone in my hs did too) I'm also basically the heart/head of my friends group at college and I love them all but I can honestly say nobody knows what I am (not even me). And if you read all of that and got it, I'm not a stuckup asshole I'm just explaining as best I can lmao. To throw people off more I tend to get with a lot of girls at school (mostly just makeouts and stuff, but occasionally it goes to the room). But I think thats partially because I'm afraid to ever have a guy anywhere. Lately I've just felt empty and confused and not knowing what to do. It would be almost impossible to come out for me. I come from a huge old school italian family, and the gay stuff just doesn't fly. Don't get me wrong, overall I know (or hope) my immediate family would still love me, and even my extended family. I just don't think they would consider me a man in our family anymore, which would be crushing to me. And to come out now I feel like I'd lose the trust of my friends, most importantly the ones I made after two years of college who are going to be my friends for life. They would take the news with stride, but even when I get the occasional "are you gay question," their always the first to laugh it off as a joke. Idk, I think they would think I'm a liar or something. Ughh...I'm basically rambling now and I don't know what to say even anymore. Basically I need some help finding out who/what I am because I'm shocked that I'm even putting this much of my life on a forum but I just need SOMETHING. I've never felt depressed or suicidal about myself or my strong feelings for guys or anything, I just figured it was something that would pass with age, and now that it hasn't I'm confused on WTF I am. For the first time in the last two weeks and in the last few nights I've cried before going to sleep watching the "It gets better videos," and other coming out stories, and thinking how I can never see myself doing something like that because it would turn my big, loud, funny, outgoing personality upsidedown or take me out of the norm. Wow...this was a lot, if you sat and read all of this I appreciate it, believe it or not this alone is just a huge weight off my chest. Any advice would be helpful and appreciated and I really look forward to reading it because you all seem really helpful to others on what I've read so far. ---------- Post added 22nd May 2011 at 05:39 AM ---------- O and 2 more things...im also afraid to be gay or even bi at my school, because once your gay there, ifeel like i couldnt even try to be with a girl (this goes hand in hand with knnowing a lot of/too many people) lol And I have a teenage brother & sister and I just don't know how I could say it to them eitherr ughhh thanks again...lookin forward to the responsess.
Hi, First, welcome to EC. You've taken a big step forward by joining and posting your story. I think if you have a chance to look around at the coming out stories of others, you'll see an awful lot of people who started here feeling exactly as you are currently describing yourself. The fact that you're acknowledging feelings for guys means you're likely not straight. As to where you are on the continuum... that might take a little while for you to figure out. It might help to know that, while the majority of people eventually identify as "gay" or "straight" (and a fewer number as "bi"), the reality is that it's more of a continuum than a binary or trinary choice. Also, it's helpful to know that when you're first coming to terms, there's a period of coming to acceptance that tends to happen in stages; the stages of loss, in this case, the loss of your identity as a straight guy. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. It's very common, once you get past denial, to find yourself equivocating or justifying things that help you cling to your straight identity, and this is part of bargaining; for example "Well, I like guys and am really attracted to them, but I also like a few girls too." Sometimes this is true; more often, it's a game you play with yourself. One of the best ways to try to answer this question is to do your best to look objectively at your own behaviors, without setting any expectations about the outcome. So consider, when you're out and about, who catches your eyes? Guys or girls? Who do you find your eyes following, or thinking about, or finding yourself paying attention to? More than likely, you can answer this question. In a similar vein, when you look at porn, is it straight or gay porn? If straight, are you looking at the girls or the guys? If you do watch only straight porn, try watching some gay porn and see how it affects you. Finally, when you masturbate, are you thinking about guys, or girls more often? If you can answer those questions honestly, it will go a long way toward clarifying where your attractions lie. As for coming out to your friends... this is a common issue, the concern that they'll judge you for "lying" to them. But the truth is... nobody cares. Half the people probably already suspect and assume you just aren't ready to come out. The rest won't give a crap. Also... it's really rare for accepting yourself to change your personality in a negative way. If anything, it tends to open you up, make you less shy, more accepting of yourself, and more confident. That might seem like a far cry now, but believe me, within a short time -- assuming you are gay or on the gay side of bi -- I think you'll be surprised at how quickly you can come to accept yourself and feel good about everything... WITHOUT changing the core of who you are. Finally... your brother and sister and your parents will be fine. It might take all of them a little bit to adjust, but kids today get tons of exposure to gay people and most simply take it in stride. I hope that helps. If you'd like to talk in a less public setting, feel free to PM me or any of the advisor team, that's what we're here for. Otherwise, I hope you'll stick around and continue to post, read, and enjoy our little community.
Hello and welcome to EC :smilewave My initial thought regarding your attraction to women is that maybe that's a result of how we're all trained to be straight. That's all we really know growing up, yet it just goes to show, if you are gay, that our natural sexuality is not taught and isn't chosen. I always assumed I was straight since that's all I ever knew. Sure, I thought some girls were better looking than others, but I never had the attraction to them as most guys did. Now I can see how I had crushes on guys all the way back to grade school, but I thought I just wanted to be friends with them or I admired them for their looks or athletic skills or charisma. I didn't know what sexuality really was. My second thought about your post is that you might not realize that gay guys come in all personalities and physical types. There are lots of gay guys just like you, but we don't see them as easily and I think they are more closeted. I think more of them continue down the "expected" path of gf/marriage to keep up their image. I'd estimate that most gay guys are just as typical and average as most straight guys. Just google something like out jock and you'll find that being a gay jock type guy isn't that unusual. Good luck in your self discovery. Keep reading and posting here if you want; we're glad to help any way we can
Hey man. How's it going? Alright first, you're not alone. I'm turning 19 this summer and let's just say figuring out what I am would be a nice birthday present lmao. I understand that when we hear the word "gay" (or bi sometimes) we often think effeminate, shopaholic, fashionable, and other stereotypical characteristics that you may not want to be associated with. Truth is, gay means and ONLY means that one is attracted to the same sex. That's it. Being gay does not define how they dress, what type of music they listen to, or how they act. Being gay just means that if you're a guy, you are sexually attracted to other guys. You're still the average white teenager who likes basketball and football and wears regular guy clothes, just, you know, attracted to the same I understand that being gay/bi has a lot of non-macho traits attached to it as determined by the society but if you think about it it doesn't mean much. (I have to keep scrolling up and down to make sure I'm answering everything lmao) Alright this part is a little tricky. I cannot promise you that everyone around you will be accepting of who you really are. BUT, the good thing is that you would know who your true friends are. Yeah you're surrounded by lots of cool folks right now, but which ones genuinely care about you? Say you're down, and you're not being the goofball (I'm assuming you are lol) that you are, who's really gonna be there for you? I totally know how good it feels to be surrounded by people, but, would you rather have 100 people like you for being someone you're not? Or have 10 people like you and accept you for what you really are? I sound like a hypocrite right now because I sure as hell have a hard time following my own advice but I know it makes sense... (man, responding to posts is pretty much like self-reflection time lol) I understand the family thing. My family is Roman Catholic. Just an hour ago, LITERALLY, during lunch, the topic come up about gays and my parents were talking about how they'd see two really macho straight guys then all of a sudden hold hands. They were laughing and everything. I don't think they're against homosexuality, but I just felt really awkward. I totally get you when you say you feel like they might look at you differently despite accepting you. Like personally, I like the way they look at me now. I WANT to give them grandkids and carry on the family name. I don't want them to go "Oh..we still love you, but you basically just crushed my dreams about you being this and that blah blah," so I totally get you bro. I don't think I can help you with this one unfortunately :/ And last, I feel like college would be the best place to come out, or at least poke your head out of the closet (lol). Again I'm being hypocritical here, but college in general is more liberated and accepting when it comes to these things. If there was a perfect time and place to come out it would be college. Don't wait until you're out in the real world before you make these life changing decisions. And dude, I'm sure you're not the only one! I bet you my PS3 there's another guy in your circle of friends or in your college who feels the same way, but is also scared to do anything about it. The tricky part is finding them...I'll get back to you once I find out a way :/ But basically please dude don't ever think you're alone because you're not. Oh wait there's more. The getting with a girl thing, idk dude, but from what I've witnessed in my school girls actually are more trusting of gay folks. They tend to open up to you and get comfortable with you, and if she knows in the first place that you're bi-ish then it should be no surprise if you hit on her. But yeah I don't think it should be a problem. And the brother and sister thing, I have a brother too. It's not so much that he would not accept me (he better) but my problem is the awkwardness of telling. I don't know if it's the same for you. By the way, by "teenager" do you mean like 13 or 19? Well either way I'm sure they already know what being gay means by now, but you're the one who knows them well and not us so it's up to you whether you think they're mature enough to understand your situation. I don't know how close you are with them but if you feel like you can trust them go ahead, but I suggest not telling them anything until you're sure (or almost, at least) about yourself first. Aight I think that's about everything. If you ever need someone to just chat with, hit me up. Later
Thank you all for these posts, I appreciate it so much and its really making me feel so good inside, to new levels that I havent in a while. To answer the first person...when it comes to porn, id say i watch about 60 to 70 percent gay porn to about 30 to 40 percent straight, and when its straight admittadly I watch the guy more And for the most recent guy, your post was the most helpful because your going through the same thing as me. My brother is 16 and my sister is my twin and I do trust them but I still dont know. I am roman catholic as well (obviously) and my family makes the same jokes about gays. Anyway, I don't expect you guys to continue to post but I'd like it =) and once again thanks a lot. I first posted this at 5 oclock in the morning after the third sleepless night this week and basically I just feel better now. I know I havent spoke the words of my sexuality to anyone yet, but THANK YOU! I just feel some of the pressure is removed.
Then it seems pretty likely you're closer to the gay side than the straight side. That may not be what you want to hear, but if you add that to the rest of what I asked (who you look at out on the street, what you fantasize about), my guess is your answer will be consistent. [/quote]My brother is 16 and my sister is my twin and I do trust them but I still dont know. I am roman catholic as well (obviously) and my family makes the same jokes about gays.[/quote] It's always a challenge to come out to family, particularly if there's religion involved. But I think you'll find that when you do come out, all the jokes will stop. They probably aren't malicious; it's just ignorance... they don't know anyone gay (well, not that they know of) and their opinion will change once they realize they *do* know someone There's no rush to come out... do it on your own time, but work first on accepting and being comfortable with the idea within yourself. And then you can think about coming out to others.
Hey, I don't know if this will help you at all, but Chip was talking about sexuality being a spectrum and it really helped me to think about it in terms of a concrete scale. The Kinsey Scale is a sexuality spectrum that I looked at when i was trying to figure out just how gay I am. It made me feel more comfortable with what I was feeling because if there are enough people to make a study and a scale out of who don't fit perfectly into the three most obvious sexuality types then it's okay that I don't fit perfectly either. Hope that helps a little bit
So I'm about to disclose my most personal secret here, but I think it'll help give you perspective. I honestly can't believe I'm admitting this but... I watch only lesbian porn. I think I've watched straight once and it just doesn't do it for me. But I know that I'm like Kinsey 1.5-2 so I'm not fully 50-50 attracted to girls vs. guys. It's part of the reason I was so confused for so long, like you are. But the truth is girls turn me on more and for you it seems guys turn you on more. But it doesn't mean you're really attracted to either side more or less in terms of relationships. I know it doesn't make much sense but I guess that's the way it is. Honestly, posting this is helping me wrap my head around it. Lol. Of course, I'm still a virgin so I haven't had any real experiences. This is all just based on attraction. But still, I hope this helps!
No offense to the previous poster, but I think it's important not to muddy the waters and confuse the OP. So: If one watches same-sex porn, is only turned on by same-sex porn, and is not turned on by heterosexual porn, one cannot credibly claim to be mostly or completely heterosexual. One might be able to claim a low Kinsey number if it's based solely on lack of experience, but that's essentially fooling oneself. What turns you on sexually is the most reliable indicator of what your sexual attraction is, and attraction and orientation are pretty much the same thing, for the purposes of this discussion, and without getting into lengthy philosophical discussions about gender politics. So... if you watch 60% gay porn, and the 40% of straight porn you watch, you're watching the guy, then you're pretty close to fully gay. You certainly are not at the 1.5 end of the Kinsey scale.
Hi there! I just wanted to add my two cents and encourage you with what has happened to me so far, as I've been in similar circumstances and have just recently started coming out to my friends and a bit of my family. My college friends never once thought I was gay. When I started telling them, they were extremely confused, but they accepted it. There was no name-calling, no claims that I had lied to them, and no change in my relationship with any of them. In my circle of friends from high school, it's been the same way so far. My ex-girlfriend (a part of this second group) took it much better than I expected, and we're actually going for a walk tomorrow to exercise/talk it over some more. So don't be fearful of their reactions. College is the time to sort out who you are, and if you realize you aren't fully into girls (or into girls at all, if that happens to be the case), then your friends will most likely accept that about you easily! Oh, and while I don't know how my parents will react when I'm fully out, I do know that the brother that I've told is perfectly ok with it, and just went "Oh... ok, that's cool" when I told him. I think that's everything major... yup! I hope you'll be able to figure out who you are and that you'll be able to come out when you have! Remember to check out the Kinsey scale that Paige posted, as that will help quite a bit with understanding who you are and how you are attracted to people. Good luck! If you need someone to talk to, feel free to post on my profile!
All of this is really helping. Even though I don't know anyone on here personally, I feel like I'm like finding myself. im gonna keep posting (hopeful) updates about my situation. I just got home for three months of summer, and I don't get to see a lot of the people I'd wanna tell first for a while so I'm going to have to go about it differently I suppose lolol.
Good luck! This site is great. It really did help me find myself. I think the reason is, we already know. It's wired in our brains. It's just finding the support and accepting it all is what we struggle with and that's what this site helps with. It's really amazing. But totally keep us updated! Can't wait to hear how it works out!
The way you look,your hobbies doesn't related with being gay. There are Steven Seagal look gay guys in the world.Maybe even Chuck Norris :lol: Being gay take some of your coolness in most of the people's eyes? Yeah,sure. But even world wide famous stars can say they are gay and live with hype. I don't believe in porn is so reliable.I didn't find gay porn attractive.Being a kinda taboo was okay but generally straight porn were doing better for me but i got bored from it with time. There are certain amounts of people who enjoys hentai and stuff like that and they don't wanna do a pikachu in real life. If its not like black and white for you, it may take more time to realize you are gay or bi,bi-curious,whatever.Also acceptence and act on it might take time too. By the way,dont worry about you are almost 20. Not everybody can realize and accept their sexuality fast.There are a lot of people who were in some kinda denial or not realized it exists at that age.
