1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Help meee

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Cookie123, May 22, 2011.

  1. Cookie123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2011
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't know if this site can help me, but I've been struggling a lot with my sexual identity lately. I am a 21-year old woman in college. I grew up in an extremely conservative household, so up until mid-high school I didn't even accept the idea of other people being anything but heterosexual- I've done a complete 180 since then and am now one of the most Leftist people I know, and am a member of many social justice/social change organizations (without my parents knowing.) My problem now is admitting to myself that I might be gay- I feel really guilty thinking about it even though I actively fight for anti-oppression for LGBTQ folks other than myself.
    I've always known that I've been attracted to women as well as men, but I never really thought about acting on it, and I never really wanted to admit that it was a real feeling. However, with all my boyfriends my relationships have only lasted a few months, and I've always been extremely uncomfortable with my boyfriends touching me in any way. I thought it was because of my negative relationship with my father and a negative sexual experience when I was very young, but lately I've been questioning if it's just because I'm not attracted to them.
    I just started dating a really really good man, but I definitely am not attracted to him. I feel so guilty. I thought it would get better and I would get more comfortable if I gave it time, but we've been dating a month and I don't feel any different. The thing is, I don't know how much more comfortable I would be dating a woman (because I've never tried it) so I have all these doubts about whether I'm just not attracted to this guy or if it's any guy, or if I'm being shallow, or what to do. I've also realized (don't even know if this is relevant) that I've never had a sexual dream about a man in my whole life! I've had many about women, but I never read much into it.
    To wrap up--- I'm sooo confused right now about what I'm feeling and whether it's real and what to do about it, so any advice or support would be appreciated.
     
  2. lemoncookies

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2011
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This is a normal feeling. A feeling of confusion, when you ask yourself. You knew yourself in one way, and you're starting to see yourself in another light. But...don't feel down. You are still you. You're wonderful. I suggest you ask yourself and do what feels right, not what you have to do because you're expected to be a certain way.

    I been in your shoes before. It took me a while to consider it's not for others, but I should do what I feel comfortable with doing.

    ...I hope that helps.
     
  3. Elven

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2009
    Messages:
    355
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Welcome to the site and hopefully it will be of benefit to you :slight_smile:
    You sound like a very conscientious person and it's very good of you to be giving support and raising awareness against homophobia, even when you feel under pressure from your parents and have been questioning your own identity.

    I would spend a long while thinking over what it is you feel, there's no rush, and though it may feel as if you are somehow "betraying" your parents and perhaps other people by being a Lesbian or Bisexual, your sexuality is a vital and unchangeable part of yourself, and you must somehow come to terms with the fact.

    You must think of your own well being first, avoiding it would likley cause yourself alot of distress and unhappyness, but by accepting your feelings you could find alot of happyness and though it may illicit negative reactions from some people, perhaps even those who are close to you, it is likley that they would eventually come to terms with the fact.

    It is understandable that you may have had many relationships in which you haven't felt attracted to the person you were with, perhaps because you simply thought that that is "the norm" and didn't bother to explore beyond the boundry's that you and others had set for yourself. It is also understandable that you would feel guilty as if you have been leading people on but you mustn't be so hard on yourself.

    You have never thought better of it before so you have been living exactly how you thought you should, however now I would suggest that perhaps you look into how you really feel about people and how you want to act rather than how you have been taught to act. Listen to your instincts. Perhaps go and try to meet with bisexual and lesbian women and see how you feel about the possibility of being in a relationship, and if it seems plausible, perhaps try to have a relationship.

    There are many other people around the world who feel similar to how you yourself do and many on this site alone who are or have been in a similar situation. It is a very scary thing to begin to question aspects of yourself that you have always taken for granted but try to be strong and have faith in yourself. (*hug*)
     
  4. TyRawr

    Board Member Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2011
    Messages:
    605
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Fair Oaks CA
    I think that each person gets wrapped up in rationalization during their transformation. Dear, you are trying to rationalize why you are the way you are.

    denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These are the 5 stages of loss. You are somewhere between bargaining, and depression.

    For example
    >>>I just started dating a really really good man, but I definitely am not attracted to him. I feel so guilty. I thought it would get better and I would get more comfortable if I gave it time, but we've been dating a month and I don't feel any different.

    That is because you can not feel attracted to him.
    That is bargaining, you are trying to convince yourself that you have some shread of straightness left in you, and from how things seem, you dont. Telling yourself that you will develop some feelings of arousal will not make it happen in reality. Nothing will, you have to realize that. He is straight in the same way as you are attracted to woman and not men.

    You are not alone, there are so many people going threw the same exact thing, right here on EC. Please do not feel out of place, or alien for asking for advice about these kinds of things. You are beautiful, and should have no shame on how you feel. Love yourself, work hard, be kind, and do good.

    I hope this helps, and I hope if you need any personal advice that you wont hesitate to shoot me a wall message.

    Best of wishes.
     
  5. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey welcome to EC, you have definately come to the right place.

    I think it is very normal to support or fight for gay rights but to still have a problem when it comes to possibly admitting you yourself might be gay. I grew up in a very accepting place, in a very accepting family and was always supportive of gay rights, however it took me until I was 26 to admit and finally come out as gay so dont worry.

    Its difficult to say right now whether you are attracted to men or not, or whether intimicy would be different with a woman and you're probably not going to know until you get into that situation.

    I think I can say though that you have taken a few very big steps along the road to working everything out and to accepting yourself.

    Feel free to talk to lots of people here, everyone is very friendly and everyone has a different story. Alternatively feel free to post on my wall if you want to chat.
     
  6. Cookie123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2011
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks everyone for the support and advice- I ended up talking to a few people and eventually breaking up with my boyfriend... I feel a lot better, but now I'm just stuck in this place where I don't feel like coming out to people until I've actually had a date or a romantic experience with a woman to tell people about, but I can't really figure out a way to let women know I'm interested if I haven't come out yet... I'm just really stuck. I don't know what my next step should be! Part of me feels like I just want to start dating cool women and see what happens, but the other part of me is terrified because this is such a sudden, huge step for me.
     
  7. thomasJ722

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2011
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Great first step. Worry about you being happy.:slight_smile:
     
  8. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well its up to you. Are there any LGBT groups near you that you could join?

    What about your college do they have a gay straight alliance or anything?

    You can tell people you are questioning your sexuality, or you can wait till you have experienced something. You only have to tell people one at a time and see how you get on.