I finally accepted I was trans about six months ago, but I've been feeling in the wrong body since I was a kid. A few weeks ago, I came out to my parents and a few friends, and its been kinda shit. My parents are quite accepting, but my dad still feels extremely uncomfortable about 'it', and my mum is doing her best, but whenever she finds something about a transperson online or in the paper, it always makes me feel worse. Like a couple of days ago, she finds a 'male transperson' who wrote an article about 'his' transition, and I discover shes actually a transwoman. And apart from "WTF, what the hell is the point of transitioning if everyone sees her as a man," it makes me feel like she doesn't value my true gender. I corrected her, and the next time she reffered to the article she called the author a man again. I've sent her countless websites and pdfs about transsexuality, before and after the article, and I'm fairly sure every single one says to use proper pronouns. In a way I can understand why she reffers to me as a 'she' - she's known me for years as a girl (although for quite a bit of my life, I lived as a boy). But when she calls transpeople who are introduced as women men, it really pisses me off. She also is completely adverse to even thinking of calling me by my chosen name and pronouns. Okay, on to problem number 2: Friends. They've been great. I've told three guys (as generally they seem to be more accepting of someone becoming a guy than girls do), and one girl. They've kept my secret, and I've had no outward transphobia from any of them. But they don't respect my gender identity. We all met up at my friends house, and the large amount of sexist jokes really pissed me off. One of the main one that kept cropping up was a variation of 'You should be in the kitchen'. 'Why aren't you in the kitchen S. You should be in the kitchen as well, J'. And its like they're outwardly saying to me that I'll never be properly male. Most of the time they treat me like a girl, and like this 'whole-want-to-be-a-guy-thing' is just a joke or a lesbian wanna-be thing. I want to explain to them that I do not 'want to be a guy' I am a guy. I'm a guy in a ridiculous effed up body that vaguely resembles a female body. There is no 'want' about it; I am a guy, and all I want to change is my body. I also want to make them read a load of the articles about transpeople, but I know for a fact that they wont be bothered to read them. Yeah - I know, my problems are probably tiny and insignificant, and I dont know why I should feel so bad, other people have been kicked out of their houses for being trans, but I feel really depressed right now. I was depressed because of puberty a few years ago, and it was hard as hell to get out of it. Now I feel like I'm slipping back, and I have no one to turn to, because its my family and friends who are doing it. Not to mention the mini-panic attacks I keep having randomly. I live in a place with no LGBT people, pretty much, and there is no chance I'll find better friends at my school - its tiny, and I'm already friends with those who aren't homophobic. Sorry its long.
Your parents are probably having a hard time understanding. You'll have to give them time. It's clear that they love you, but it's going to be hard for them to get used to the idea of you being their son and not the daughter they always thought they'd had. Feeling angry and rejected is normal. When my grandparents found out that I was gay (I didn't tell them, they found out otherwise), they reacted the same way. My grandfather would not talk about it and pushed it under the rug. My grandmother would be extremely uncomfortable whenever the topic came up, and when it did she would make comments that implied that "things can change" and "it's just a phase", and it would always make me feel bad. Eventually though, as they realized things were not going to change, they started to come around a bit. They're still working on that, and they still have their moments when they are struggling with homophobia, but they're trying and getting there. I know it's not the same as your parents, but it is similar as I live with my grandparents. Your friends are sort of the same way. They're not quite rejecting you, but it feels like it. They're not really used to the idea of you actually being a guy, and you're going to have to give them some time, too. As with myself, I've had great friends as well, but sometimes they slip up and make gay jokes without thinking about it, or make references to me (and other females) and certain activities that can only really be performed with a male. They're supportive and everything, and they do forget sometimes (although it seems hard to forget something like that, no?), but I wouldn't say they don't respect my sexuality. I don't think they mean to offend you by saying things like that. You just have to kind of deal with it, as hard or annoying as that sounds. They'll come around sooner or later, trust me. Your problems are in no way tiny or insignificant, and you have every right to feel bad. Yes, some people are kicked out of their homes for being who they are, but it doesn't mean your problems are any less important. It's how it affects you that determines how serious it is (unless you are suicidal because you didn't get to go to a party or something equally unimportant, then you have a different problem that is worth concern). If anything, you have us to turn to. At EC, we will never judge you or hate you for who you are, and there are plenty of others just like you who understand. You need to concentrate on the good things, and I know that it is hard, but you have to see that your friends and parents do care about you, but they are just having a hard time understanding and accepting you for who you really are. I hope things get better for you soon.
Hey RubiksCube, I can see how this is really rough. I understand how hard it must be for people to not understand your true identity. The good news is that it can change: they are simply uneducated. Before I really understood trans people, I was too. I used the wrong pronouns and didn't really understand what went on in trans people's minds. But then I did my research and it all made sense. Hopefully your parents and friends will do their research. But if they don't, you have to try to sit them down and explain. If they won't read articles, try to have a chat with them and explain to them how trans people feel and think. And give it time, especially for your parents. It's a big adjustment for them too. Things will get better, I'm sure of it
Sorry that you are feeling like that (*hug*) While its really hard to have your parents and friends making comments like that, its important to keep being patient and to try and educate them about it. The whole concept of trans can be hard for some people to get used to or even understand. I didn't even truly understood it until very recently because its just something that society doesn't teach us. As far as your mom goes, try to talk to her about it. Not after she gets you mad, but before she starts making comments. Tell her that you guys need to talk and just let her know about what its bothering you and that you will appreciate if she could try to stop her comments. Also ask her if she has any questions for you or anything of that sort. Same goes to your friends. Go and tell them exactly what you just told us. Try to get them to understand that the silly comments actually do affect you. And, again, try to let some comments slide while they get the hang of it. And while it all seems like it sucks right now, keep in mind that your friends and family are at least trying to grasp the concept. Hope you feel better (*hug*)
^ Then put THEM in their place. Their behavior is definitely affecting you, so make them stop. If they don't stop then they don't deserve you as a friend. Talk to them though. Explain to them how the jokes and taunts are affecting you. Maybe they don't truly realize it.
