i am a 23 year old guy. i had relationships with guys and girls, but none of them lasted for more than 6 months. i tried switching sexes after every break up, and had never come out as gay. my relationships with girls last longer than my relationship with guys. when it comes to girls commitment is very easy because social approval is not an issue. plus, i can emotionally and romantically express my feelings towards opposite sex. but sex can be hard. . sometimes i need to think of a guy's penis in order to get hard. my relationship with guys don;t last long because it is basically just rooted on sex. i can't commit and have an open relationship with the same sex.. which was mostly because my partner doesn't want to. plus, i am afraid to go further in sex. i had never topped or became a bottom before. i only give and receive oral sex. i just find topping and bottoming awkward. i was thinking that my sexual preference is a bit bizarre. and probably, because of a traumatic childhood affected me... i was introduced to giving blowjobs when i was 5 to my uncle. and until now, no one among my family knows about that incident. am i gay? or was just a victim? or am i just making that incident as an excuse for my gayness? i am confused... i hope somebody can enlighten me.
Hi, Chris. First, welcome to EC. You've taken a big step by deciding to talk about your issues. Second, the childhood sexual abuse you experienced (and there's no question that's what it was) causes deep and long-lasting (though, with therapy, not permament) effects on your relationships, how you experience your sexuality, and your ability to feel comfortable with, and enjoy, sexual experiences. Everything you are describing -- the difficulty committing to relationships, the uncomfortableness of choosing to be sexual, even the fact that the partners you find are uncomfortable being monogamous -- is common among abuse survivors. An overwhelming percentage of male abuse survivors also have confusion about their sexual identity, so your experience is very understandable. But answering the question about where your sexual orientation actually lies is more complicated. There is little to no evidence that childhood sexual abuse actually alters sexual orientation, so if you find that you are attracted to guys, and need to think about penises to get aroused, it's pretty likely that you are gay, and that your "gayness" was hardwired before the abuse occurred. One thing that is pretty much a for-sure; people with sexual abuse issues struggle with them until they get therapy. This is not something that will self-heal, and it will be easier to heal the sooner you get therapy for it. If you would like to talk more about this in a less public setting, feel free to PM me. There are also some online resources for male abuse survivors that I can point you to as well. The important take-away is that while your experience with your uncle did affect you and continues to do so, the effect is not permanent, and you can, with some help, gain understanding over yourself and get to a place where you can have healthy, fulfilling, and long-lasting relationships.
