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Coming Out to my Brother

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Indiana Juno, May 22, 2011.

  1. Indiana Juno

    Regular Member

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    My 2 years younger brother is what one might call a typical guido. I'm from an Italian family - we're not big on the heritage, mostly because we're only "Italian" when it comes to wearing national pride or attending a Yankee game.

    I guess I consider myself on the "masculine" side of the gay spectrum. Most people can't tell, but some people can. I'm not sure what makes them think so, but I'm sure sometimes I do give off the "signs".

    My father's a homophobe through and through. My mom claims she has no problem with gay people - in fact, when it comes to men she gets along with gay guys much better (usually the over-40 "I'm camp and fabulous" types). But anytime she sees something remotely gay on TV she has some comment like "pushing the agenda" or "if they get married what else are they gonna push on us next". She refers to my openly lesbian cousin as a dyke and talks about how my aunt screwed up raising her. She makes a lot of gay jokes at my other gay cousin's expense (funnily enough, the gay family members are all on her side, so I probably get it from her).

    One of my friends hacked my myspace back in the day and changed it to a sparkly, Disney-princess inspired layout. My mom saw it and called my older brother crying, coming to the realization I might be gay. When she asked directly I said no.

    I don't want her finding out because, to be honest, I don't think that much of my mother as a person and I know she would use my sexuality as means to get at me in a fight. My mom likes fighting. It's how she gets through her day. It's inevitable she would do this.

    Now my little brother got mad at me a few months ago. He stylizes himself the "white-boy thug". He hangs out with people who I'm sure don't take kindly to the gay thing either. This definitely influences his thinking.

    He brought out every gay slur he could throw at me. Then he referenced something he could only have seen on my computer - something that would have confirmed I'm gay. I denied it, but how could I really. I know he saw it, he knows he saw it.

    He flipped out psychotically, calling me faggot, cocksucker, and even got on his knees to imitate me performing fellatio (all this brought about because I wouldnt let him use my phone)

    My mom kind of walked in on the fight and he became quiet like he was hesitant to repeat the information in front of her.

    He never apologized or mentioned it again. He continued to talk to me about girls like he was certain I was straight. One conversation, he noticeably played the pronoun game...he asked "have you ever been with a girl (quick pause) someone...(followed by a question I don't remember)" Which means he seems to be somewhat adjusting to the idea. It's never been mentioned again.

    A couple of days ago we had another fight and he brought out the faggot thing again. I didn't respond to it (a habit I've had to work at), partially because that will confirm it to him, and otherwise because it shows him that if he says it, I'll be insulted, as is his intent.

    I wanna sit him down and say to him, "It's true. I'm gay (although this might be one of those occasions where the bi label might help ease him into it)." I'm kind of pissed off at the way he chose to, and continues choosing to bring it up. I feel like if I don't say anything, I'm letting the secret rule the situation.

    If I own up to it, and say I'm gay, then I don't have to feel like a closeted kid being called gay (it always feels worse for someone in the closet to hear those insults than for someone who's out). If I do come out and confirm it, though, there's the added trouble that it'll be used MORE often as an insult. Or that he'll be less discreet next time he brings it out.

    It's the elephant in the room. It's there. I know he knows. I think he's in a little bit of denial himself though, and that's largely what keeps him at bay, is the possibility I might be straight, and that what he saw was a fluke. I don't know how he'd react to the cold naked truth.

    Have any of you guys been in this situation? How did you handle it?
     
  2. Raeil

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    First off, welcome to EC! I hope you enjoy it here!

    Since it's been two hours and you don't have a response yet, I'll do my best. I haven't been in this situation, but I can give you some advice based on what I can see in your post. If you think it good advice, that's great! If you think it sucks, yeah, I totally understand!

    I don't think your brother will really have a huge problem with you being gay. I see two major reasons for this. First, he didn't bring it up when your mom was around. To me, this implies that he thinks your mom would use it against you, and he wants to avoid that trouble. Second, he "played the pronoun" game. If he's willing to even consider the idea that you're gay without making fun of you (some of the time), I'd say he'll be ok with it when you tell him.

    Should you choose to sit him down and tell him, point-blank, that you're gay, he might actually be a catalyst for changing his friends' opinions of the LGBT community. After all, he's been slurring a group of people which he now knows YOU are a part of! That kind of realization could change his attitude completely.

    However, you know your brother better than I, so my analysis could definitely be incorrect. If he would simply redouble his efforts and begin harassing you more, then it would be wise to stay quiet about the whole thing until you are out of his reach. I hope he's not like this, but I have a little brother who I'm not ready to tell either, so I guess I understand slightly.

    Good luck, and I hope a more experienced poster can help you better than I can! :slight_smile:
     
  3. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    You are in a tough position with dealing with your brother, but it seems like he wouldn't be completely distraught by the news. If you don't feel like you are ready to come out though maybe you can confront your brother about the gay jokes as a straigh ally. Next time make fun of him for using such pathetic insults like they are a bad thing.

    Have you come out to anyone else btw? It would also make the situation a lot easier to handle if you get yourself a support network before having to come out to your family.
     
  4. Indiana Juno

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    "Straight" ally doesn't work with certain groups. If you're defending the fags you're one of them (as you can see its one of those rigid black and white world views where anyone who doesn't agree with you is a terrorist or a faggot).

    Excluding work friends its a general rule that I'm out to my friends. My work friends I didn't tell because I thought it might have repercussions (and now that I don't work with them, it feels awkward telling them the truth when I've spent so much time acting the other). And my support group among my friends is virtually non existent when it comes to me being gay.

    My best guy friend helps when he can, but for the most part, he doesn't want to hear about too much gay stuff (that kinda bothers me, as its tough discussing my romantic life). My best girl friend has gone MIA ever since it occurred to her she has a college degree and I don't.

    When I used to go to her college I made a ton of friends who I was out to and found myself just being 100% myself. I consider that a true group of friends but they live nowhere near me.

    But otherwise I find my support system severely lacking.
     
  5. mstiptress

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    Out to everyone
    I'm deeply sorry that you have to go through something like that.. (hug yourself for me please) It is a horrible situation but let's try and find a smile out of it anyway.

    But your life is yours, You are the one that has to live it no one else. So make sure to live it the way you choose to.

    Yes I was in a situation like that (somewhat) but I refuse to let anyone speak to me in a way that will hurt me. I told my family time and time again, If you can't respect me then I'm gone. I know it would be hard to push family out but you have to be happy. I let no one not even my mother (whom i adore but we are still on edge) bring me down. IT took a while for me to build this confidence but once your out, you will fill so much better...

    Once my family realized that I was serious, that I was going to be with the person I love rather or not they liked it, they finally said OK. (took a while though, and with some we are still working on it)

    Tell your brother straight up. "A, Im gay, you have two choices, you accept it or move on from it, and if you don't make it soon, ill make it for you".. lol. (something along the lines that I said)

    Always remember, You are who you are and there is no changing it. You will have to love yourself strong before someone else can love you.

    I hope that everything works out for you but if not you got a friend in me and most likely everyone else in this community.

    Believe me when I say the hard part is yet to come. But remain strong, be confident, and YOU will come out smiling.

    A closet is not for people, its for clothes and shoes.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    ---------- Post added 23rd May 2011 at 11:58 AM ----------

    I think that is a wonderful Idea. I wish I would have thought about that when I was choosing to come out. I agree confronting him on the gay jokes.. It would be no different with discrimination. When people say "gay insults" my usual response is "what, so now you discriminate, you might as well say you hate black people". That usually makes em feel like idiots.
     
  6. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Then maybe the best thing to do right now is to focus on building a strong support network before focusing on your brother. I think it would be way easier to handle it once you know that you have people to back you up in every single aspect.

    Have you tried joining the LGBT club at your campus?