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Kinda funny, Kinda Serious, But kinda funny

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ballin1718, May 23, 2011.

  1. ballin1718

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    Hey so I'm new here and it says it in my profile but since this is one of my first posts, and the first in this forum il introduce a little bit. I just turned 20 and even though I've known I found guys attractive since I was about 14, recently I've decided its not a phase and that I'm gay or bi or something in between. I'm also a pretty athletic guy whose into sports (basketball mostly) so being gay sometimes doesnt fit into my lifestyle, but I'm figuring things out thanks to EC and movin forward.

    I went to a family party today, and I come from a big italian family who isn't into the gay thing at all, but overall are mostly ignorant to it. My brother nd his friend were DJ'ing and the night before my cousin called (she threw the party for her kid) and said no matter what do not play "born this way." She doesn't think people are born gay at all and even though I've respected her for quite a while, hearing ignorant things like this pissed me off (even if I was entirely straight I wouldn't like it). It's just like, even if you don't believe it the song more or less says anyone is born how they are, not just gays. It makes it worse because if thats her views, then I know the basic views of my aunts uncles and the rest of my family as well. It's kinda stressful, but not really because thats just how my family is.


    This is where it kinda gets funny. I'm not really a lady gaga fan at all, so I personally didn't want that song played anyway. Don't get me wrong I think shes a great person, but musically I'd rather listen to drake and kanye than gaga. So basically, I was kind of upset that she didn't want the DJ to play a song that I didnt like lmao.

    Off topic, but the first part was a story, this is more of the advice-y part.

    Also I was in a car with two friends tonight (both female) and I almost blurted out that I was bi, even though I don't consider myself bi because I'm not sure what I truly am, it is a step up from being called straight cause I know I'm not that. Basically it took me being on this site for one day to get enough confidence to (ALMOST) do it. I kinda freaked out and couldn't do it and I just need to find the first friend to tell who I know I have 100 percent of their trust.

    With that, I trust all of my close friends to keep that secret if thats what I wanted, and I know they wouldn't judge me at all. I've come to terms that even though I've lied to my friends for this long that they wouldn't care because I know they care about me too much to care.

    Right now of all my (school) friends, the only two people who might be kinda weirded out would be my two best guy friends (one was my roomate this year, next year their both my roommates). Overall, I think they would accept me, even if its because I'm sexually repulsed by both of them, but I just feel like we tell eachother a lot and it would just be weird. We talk about hot girls and sometimes when our gay friend isn't there one of them would say something bad about gays, almost jokingly but kinda not. I also think they expected to be living with straight me next year and not bi-curious-who knows who hes gonna bring to the room at night and whats gonna go on. Its just really weird to me, but at the same time I'm only gonna see them a few times over summer.

    With my home friends, basically I don't have too many left. I have a lot of acquaintences, but the few people I consider myself close too are all female. A lot of my guy friends lost touch after disagreements about two years back, and I fell into this new friends group junior year of hs and some of them are gonna be in my life forever. I feel like now I'm home for a while I should break the ice on them. I do still have some male friends that probably expect to find out, but their not as important to tell as my male friends at school.

    I kinda just wanna know what I should do.

    Ahh...sorry everytime I post its a novel but I just have so much to say. I just want my mind to be cleared of everything, or see other peoples thoughts on everything lolol.
     
  2. ballin1718

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    **this isnt my first post in this forum btw idk why i put that there lol but i still want everyone to read.

    O and also, a the majority of my friends are guys, and i only have one close friend that is gay (and several acquaintances, some pretty close that are gay). Even though I have majorily male friends really the only two I'm worried about are my roommates from next year, that is the most serious part for me.

    On another note, my gay male friend lived on my floor freshman year, we became really good friends along with a lot of guys, then as one of my closer friends he lived right near me again this passed year. He isn't in my building next year because he is moving off campus with a few of my friends. Should I talk about my possibly secual orientation to him or is that too cliche/expected.

    I'm more afraid that if I talked to him, he would think I was hitting on him and possibly push me away (which even if he thought I was hittinng on him I doubt he would push me away.) I basically wanna know who I should talk to first here
     
    #2 ballin1718, May 23, 2011
    Last edited: May 23, 2011
  3. Chip

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    Hey,

    First, welcome to ec! Great that you've joined.

    Second... no rush to come out to anyone. I wouldn't put any stock in the various statements, gay jokes, comments because, honestly, I think all of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making jokes about some stereotypes or classes of people that we wouldn't necessarily say in the presence of someone who is in that class or meets that stereotype. My guess is when you come out, those jokes will go away (that, or be made, in a good natured way, at your expense.)

    Do be aware, though, that as you start to tell friends, it's near certain that it *will* get around because people tend to be "gossipy" and someone's sexual orientation is, for better or worse, something that people gossip about quite a bit. But it also sounds like you might be close to ready for that.

    And as for being athletic... we have a fair number of high school and college athletes in this community, and there are actually entire social network communities for gay athletes, so there are a lot more gay guys in sports than you probably realize :slight_smile:

    I do suggest that you might want to explore a little more where your own orientation. You've said that you've been attracted to guys since you were young, but you don't mention girls, so that leads me to believe you probably are closer to gay than straight.

    So try and look at yourself and your behaviors. If you are attracted mostly, or almost completely to guys, and don't find yourself looking at women really at all when you're out and about, if you look at gay porn, or look at the guys in the straight porn you watch, if when you masturbate you think about guys and not girls... then you are gay, or very close to gay, and not bi. If you really, honestly, in your heart find yourself fantasizing about women when you masturbate, find your eyes wandering toward women's bodies when you are out and about... then you're bi. But my experience is that quite a few guys find it a lot more comfortable to label themselves "bi" because that's part of the "bargaining" we do with ourselves as we work through the "loss" of our identity as a straight person. We go through stages with *any* loss, and the stages are denial ("No, I can't be gay"), anger ("Why do I have to be this way? This is fucked up") bargaining ("Well, maybe I'm only bi" or "Well, maybe I'll date guys but I'll still marry a woman later in life") grief, and acceptance.

    So I'm not ruling out the possiblity that you're bi, but from what you've said so far, I'm guessing you're closer to gay, but it's more comfortable to say you're bi. And... if you aren't sure, there's no reason you have a choose a label; as someone once said "Labels are for designer clothes" :slight_smile:

    The truth is, your friends at school, your roommates, and even your family will probably be fine with it. Expect it may take some of them some time; remember that you've known about this for a very long time, but it will likely be new to those you tell, so it will take them some time to adjust, and they, too, will go through an abbreviated version of the stages of loss. So as long as you know that, then you shouldn't be surprised or upset by any negative reactions, as they are almost certainly not permanent.

    I do think you're probably ready to start taking more steps toward coming out. So there's no rush, but... if you give some thought to my comments above and it helps you get a clearer idea of where you are on the orientation spectrum, that might help solidify things for you and give you a place to move forward from.

    Please keep us informed!
     
  4. Ethan

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    You say your friends have gay friends?
    Then I don't think they'll mind you if you're gay or bi or anything else.
    If you think it's safest, and can trust him, tell the gay guy first. He probably knows what you're going through and is the most likely to keep your secret at this point unless you have someone else in mind.
     
  5. TheWanderer

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    Telling the gay guy is a great idea. I did this a few years back before I through myself into denial and he was very willing to share his story and was just a really good person to talk to about it all.

    Excellent suggestion Nazo.
     
  6. ballin1718

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    Thanks everyone...i feel like i'm getting closer to telling people everyday, and i dont think it'll be long before i eventually just blurt it out to anyone who will listen lol.
     
  7. illadelph53

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    "ballin" i just read your blog post or whatever and it is completely my life...

    same shit like coming out doesnt fit into my lifestyle/ ive told a close female friend kinda sorta but really dont know how my guy friends would react

    shit sucks right? haha

    but ESPECIALLY the shit about your roommates next year, im living w 2 guys who are my good friends (fraternity brothers) at school and idk i feel like they wouldnt care that much but still its weird you know? sometimes i really wanna tell them just to get it over with but then sometimes i think they really dont need to know/it wont change anything so whats the point in potentially making it awkward? idk

    i really am just lost w this whole issue but i just thought id say whats up and i totally kno wher your coming from
     
  8. ballin1718

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    Wow....i feel like i'm talking to myself right here...im sad at our situation, but really happy that were in the same boat!

    Hopefully it'll work out one day (i'm sure it will).