This was a post of mine from about a week ago. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/46175-dropping-out.html Things have gotten worse and better. My parents have basically forced me to drop the class I wanted, which counted for 8hrs, and I had to take a class I didn't even need for graduation, which only counted for 3hrs. I got all my financial aid stuff done and now I find out that I am required to take a minimum of 6hrs to receive aid. I seriously just want to give up. I'm so sick of all the bullshit and all I can think about it running away from it all. My parents already hate me because I'm gay, not they think I'm a failure and I feel like one. I feel guilty and sick all the time. I've honestly considered cutting again, but instead I've been scratching my arms. On top of that, I am trying to lose weight and it's going absolutely nowhere. I feel like I can't do anything right and I'm starting to not want to eat anything because I know it's the only thing I can control. As it is now I am obsessed with writing down everything I eat. I hate myself so much. I've fucked up so badly and I just wish I was dead right now. My entire life has gone to shit and I feel so alone. I know I have support, but I don't think I could stand the feelings of guilt and embarrassment every time the people who support me give me that "understanding" look - the look that really says, "we still love you but we expected more from you." I feel like there is never going to be anything better for me and my life will mean nothing. I will forever be a fat, ugly, depressed loser who lost a full ride to a prestigious school because she couldn't handle dealing with her mental issues and discussing philosophy.:help:
I am sorry you're having a hard time, but please don't give up. Nobody in this world have ruined their life because of taking the wrong course at 19 years old. I know you're feeling horrible right now, but I think that this is caused by your depression more than anything else. So please, lets take thing one after the other. You don't have to deal with all at once. -first : take an appointment with your teachers or school counselor, whoever is helping pupils to deal with scholarship and curriculum in your school. Let them now you're realizing that you've taken the wrong course, let them know the reason why and ask them for their help to go back on doing what you want. They probably have an idea of what you can do. -second : scartching harms IS self harming. You seem to be having a hard time with dealing with all that stuff : being on the verge of developping eating disorder, self-harming and low self-esteem are pretty good indicators that you could use some help. If you're not seing a therapist already, I suggest you to try to take an appointment as soon as possible. Once again, your school counselor and/or school nurse may help you with this. That would probably be a good idea to talk to them about your issues. -third : I read your other post where you were saying you were experiencing all the side effects of prozac. If you haven't done that already, I think you should report this as soon as possible to the doctor or psychiatrist who prescribed Prozac to you. Antidepressants are supposed to help you, not to make things worse. They may want to try and change the dosage or the molecule. -last but not least : your parents. I am sorry they are struggling with the fact you're gay and that they're not supportive. I know it hurts. The thing is : you can't be living your life for them. You only have one life, and if your parents want to be a part of it, they have to make efforts too. You don't have to sacrifice what you want to do, or who you want to be for your parents love and approval, that is just not fair. YOU matter most and that is important for you do to what makes YOU happy. Take care, and don't hesitate to PM me if you want to. (*hug*)(*hug*) Cécile
You can give up from your past somehow but not your future.For some people life is a straight (no pun!) line of joy (maybe little bit struggling).And for some its like circle of struggling (maybe a little bit joy) You may call it fate,destiny,DNA or luck. Giving up is useless and it makes things even worse.. Although its temporarly escaping from your demons. I've been struggled all my life.From day one.Every time i thought i'm gonna make it, i failed.From school to job,from love to sexuality. I gave up like 6-8 months ago.Is it going better? Less anxiety but more depression, honestly. About school..don't care that too much.I have studied in a great university.Couldn't find a goddamn job for 3 years because of crisis and also my struggles.Finally, last month i have been accepted to trial for free,from morning to midnight or more,without an off day.Today I learned that they hired someone else instead of me and that i don't need to come there anymore.These things happens to anyone.It hits us harder because we are already struggling with ourselves. Only way getting out of this circle is being okay with yourself.I don't know how though.(*hug*)
I can't really help on the issues as horrible as they sound, but I can understand the feeling of being worthless. It's a horrible feeling, but given time it should go away. I don't know about you or anyone else, but my usual way of getting away from being a bit depressed is to escape into what I love. Whether that's listening to music, watching a good film or TV show, it depends, getting into personal interests and cutting off ties to reality for a while brings back some sort of confidence and happiness back into my life.
As difficult as it is to see right now, this period of your life is mearly a 'blip' in the overall timeline that is your life. Life is full of ups and downs, and you're currently in a down. But just as the ups don't last forever, neither do the downs. Things get better. There's nothing you can do about your past. What's done is done. How you got here is a function of a bunch of decisions and circumstances that you can't do anything about - because they're all in the past. The future - including getting those 'looks' from people, or being 'fat' or 'ugly' - is also out of your control. Don't worry about it. Worrying about the bad things before they happen means that you've guaranteed yourself 50% to 100% more worrying than was necessary. (Because the bad thing won't happen at all, and you never did need to worry about it, or the bad thing will happen, and you'll worry about it then as well.) What you do need to do is focus on today. What do you need to do today to help yourself or improve your situation? As Cecile has suggested, talking to your doctor would likely help. Talking to teachers or someone at the school would also help. It seems to me that students petition for much less important events. You might be surprised at how compassionate and understanding they might be. And with respect to asking for help - your parents will help because they want to. Your friends will help because they want to. It's OK to ask for help, and take it. That's what we're all here on this earth for - we're here for each other. And once you're in a better place, you'll be in a position to help others. Don't hesitate to write to me either if you want. All the best. (*hug*)
Remember that not all options in life are totally polarised. Not everything has to be either great, or terrible. There's always a middle ground! When things aren't going exactly as planned, being happy to compromise is a good way to remain positive in your journey, and remember that the 'now' and even the few years of education you mention are just a fraction of your life. There's so many more options and paths to take yet. Consider yourself lucky that you know what you want to do, that's a luxury many people don't have! Consider every part of the journey, even if it doesn't take you in the true bearing you desire, as a stepping stone to your destination, and something that you can learn and grow stronger from. I'm not saying that your life WILL improve; I'm saying that it CAN improve. All you need is to allow yourself to accept some support, and a little bit of positive effort.
Thank you guys so much. I'm still struggling with a lot of those issues, but I didn't sleep almost at all last night and around the time 8 rolled in, I started calling people and ended up getting all of the school stuff handled. It really means a lot to me that you guys are here for me. I was literally crying as I read all of this. Thanks. I may take a few of you up on PMing since airing my dirty laundry isn't my thing usually. But I am feeling a lot better than I was last night. :hugs: Again, thank you guys so much.
I am happy you're feeling better (*hug*) and I am glad you've started sorting out the school stuff. That is very good news. Take care of yourself sweetie and once again, feel free to PM me anytime if you want to. (*hug*) Cécile
I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling better about things. Sometimes we know the actions we need to take, but we need to have someone tell us to do them anyway.
