Hi there, So this is my story. I have lived the American Dream. I received a college degree, married a very nice woman, got a good job, bought a nice house, I'm making some good money. Never had any kids (a good decision). I love my family. I love my friends. I have done some pretty cool things in my years on this planet. I can't complain.....well maybe there is jus this one little thing. I'm gay. And, yes this is the first time i have said that publicly. I've have done a pretty good job of hiding this all my life. There are only two friends that know about me. Now the problem.......connectivity! It is so easy to meet other people nowadays. I never liked drinking. I never liked to hang out in the bars. I heard about this gay bar in the town that I live in but was always to frightened to go there. What if someone I knew would see me there. After all, being gay is wrong, right? Well that's what i've been told all my life....so i guess that's why i've lived the life that i have. Well everything changed about six months ago when I met a cute college student. He made me feel like I have never felt in my life. Suddenly my world has been rocked. I have cried more in the last six months than I have ever cried in my life. He told me two things that have stuck in my mind and i can't shake. He said that you have to come out before you die and that you have to be prepared to lose everything. Wow! I think about this everyday. So, I decided that I would talk to my brother. Last week I made flight reservations to go see him in Texas where he lives. I'm totally scarred to death, I'm crying everyday. I jus don't know how all this is going to turn out. I feel so angry at myself for what I have done to my wife, she has been so good to me and then i do this. She doesn't deserve this. I don't know if i can do this....but i am emotionally a wreck. I just don't want to hide anymore, I don't want to lie anymore, I just want to be me. It's just too hard. I think it will help to talk to my brother. I hope he will still love me. We have always been pretty close. I just don't know how he will react. Any suggestions will really be appreciated. Lost in Oregon Jim
Firstly, welcome to Empty Closets There are quite a few members on the forums who have been in really similar situations, many who have previously been married, and even have had children, and come out later. I'm sure they'll be around shortly to offer you support. I applaud you on your strength, so much so! Coming to terms with the fact that you're not straight is a hurdle that can be so high, but you've managed to jump right to "I'm Gay". Congratulations! Let me assure you, you're nearing the end of the hardest part! No one has the right to tell you that you have to come out of the closet, and they especially don't have any right to push you out. BUT, your wife also has rights. Irrelevant of whether you're ready to come out soon or not, your relationship with your wife has to change. Note I said 'change', not 'end'. I've heard many'a'story of men who come out to their wives to have them respond with "I always thought so" or "I knew this was coming". Please don't believe that by coming out gay, that your relationship with your wife has to end. You can still be together in a just as loving way as ever before. In regards to your Brother, that's not something we can offer advice on, as none of us know your Brother like you. What I can say though, is so make sure he's aware that your sexuality isn't the defining part of your person. The brother that you have been for the past 36 years is the same gay brother he will have next year, coming out doesn't mean anything else has to change than what happens in your bedroom. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that the other previously married members can offer something more helpful than my dribble!
Previously married man here. Welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. My story in a nutshell: didn't date growing up, but didn't contemplate that I was gay either. Married a very nice woman when I was 27, had 2 kids, a golden retriever, a beautiful house, a Volvo station wagon. I too was living the American Dream - only I live in Canada. In my mid 30s I came to realize that I was gay - and I was miserable. My advice would be to find a therapist so you can talk to someone in person about this. Your brother is a good start, but he's not unbiased. He knows you and your wife too well, and perhaps doesn't know much about what you're going through. I credit my therapist with saving my life. I couldn't have made it through what I have without him. Next - remain faithful. If you haven't been (I'm not sure how close you are with this cute college student) then stop cheating. It will make you feel better about yourself and it will make the conversation that you ultimately will have with your wife an easier one to have. The fact that I had cheated was more devastating to my wife than learning that I was gay. Come out when you're ready. You need to be feeling positive about your future if you want other people to be supportive and feel positive about your future. If you can do that, then I wouldn't worry about coming out to friends and family. They'll understand why you hid this from them, and how difficult it is for you to now tell them the truth. That has certainly been what I found. Be careful with your first relationship. It sounds like this young person has had a huge impact on your life. All the emotions you're feeling aren't necessarily that powerful because of him, but because you're feeling many of them for the first time. You've allowed yourself to be yourself, rather than being guarded. Many of us who come out later in life feel like we're going through puberty again - we experience the roller coaster of emotions that is typical of a teenager. As it does with teenagers, it will pass. (And it won't take 6 or 7 years!) When I first came out to myself I had a huge crush on someone who wasn't right for me at all. Thankfully I saw the light before too much time had passed. The thought of losing everything is scary. But believe me - I don't think you will. I still have my well paying job. I still have my kids, my friends, my parents. I have my cars, and I still have a house - even if it is smaller than the one we lived in together. I even still have my wife - although she's an 'ex' now. But we're still very good friends. She became my biggest supporter. I'll leave it at that for now. I'm an advisor here, so you can respond here (for the benefit of others who are reading this) or you can contact me directly via private messages. Good luck!
Wow! That is great advice. Thank you so much for your thoughts. So far every day is a little different for me emotionally. Most days are very difficult and some are a little easier. I have been thinking of seeking out professional help as you suggested. I do have a gay friend that I have talked with occasionally. He has been very supportive. Boy, I must say that you hit the nail on the head with your comments about this guy that I have been seeing. I do feel like I am a teenager again and I know it is because my relationship with him is like nothing that I have every experienced before. I know that I should brake it off with him but I just can't seem to do it. It's so hard to let go of something that is so wonderful. I am just so attracted to him. BTW I knew that I was gay when I was 14, I knew that I was gay when I got married. I was just convinced that I could ignore it and it would go away, and I was pretty successful at it for most of my life, that is until I met him! I am flying out next Thursday to Texas to to spent a week with my brother, and my intentions are to tell him that I am gay. I really think I am ready for this. I guess when I'm there face to face I'll have to make that decision.
I have a similar story. Married with kids. You'll get through this just fine and you'll discover that it wasn't as hard as you think. When I first started to come out, I figured I could never tell my wife, kids, parents, sister, or anyone else that was family. It turns out that they all have taken it very well. My worst fears were only in my head. And check into the professional help. I've found it to be the one thing that has helped me keep everything together and everyone on good terms. Good luck with your brother. I hope it turns out like me and my sister. We are closer now than we were before I came out.
Thanks for the positive thoughts. I hope that things will go OK, I just can't stop my mind from think about all the bad stuff that might happen. I also just can't stop thinking about how angry I am at myself for waiting so long to come out. I read all these stories of very young guys coming out and it makes me so happy for them. They are the lucky ones. I wish that that was how my life would have gone. Man...for most of my life I have been very proud of how I have conducted myself and feel that I have always been an honest and caring person. Of course that is all falling apart in the respect that now I realize that I have not been very honest. It totally hurts! It was never my intention to deceive my family and friends but I didn't know how not to. Also, I was texting my boyfriend last night. I think I am falling in love with him. The bad thing is that my wife was home while I was doing this. I had to go hide the bathroom after we were done texting and have a good cry. I just don't know what to do with my relationship with him. I am just so confused, I need help. Thanks you to everyone!!!!! Thank you to EC for having this website! It just helps to talk about this stuff. Lost
First of all welcome to EC. I'm a late bloomer as well. I came out only about 3 years ago. I never married or had kid, but from time to time I was angry at myself for not coming out sooner. I felt like I threw my life away. It hurt, a lot. Eventually I let go of the anger and feel better and was able to move on. I strongly believe that things happen for a reason. I was scared coming out to my family because I was older. In the end they have been so accepting. Now I am totally out, have a wonderful partner, who next month will be my husband. You may want to get a therapist or go to PFLAG meetings. I went to PFLAG for a year before I came out to my family. I helped immensely. Also stick around. We are a very friendly group!
Re: Lost in Oregon (It's getting Crazy) The last two days have been crazy. Because of several suggestions here from EC I did Go see professional help yesterday. It helped, she was very supportive. Then last night the guy i've been seeing told me he didn't want to see me anymore. I'm devastated....he is the reason I am coming out. Then about an hour ago I wrote an email to a good friend of mine and spilled my guts (I hadn't planned on that). He quickly wrote back with the best response that I could have ever ever expected. Now I know that he is even a better friend than I ever could have hoped for. I am physically and emotionally drained. And now I am getting on a plane tomorrow morning to Texas to come out to my brother. Anyone have any Xanax? This is totally crazy. I've waited so many, to many, years and now it feels like a train wreck is about to happen. Someone blow the whistle and slow this down. I'm afraid someone is going to be in the intersection and get really really hurt. And, it could be me.
I'm so glad your sessions worked out well and helped you! I also think it's great that your friend was so incredibly supportive. I really hope you brother reacts well to all of this, I have a good feeling he will. Like you said before, you have always been pretty close, so you should have no reason to believe that something like this would come between you. I'm hoping for the best!
Sorry to hear about your boyfriend, but in the long run I think it's better that you NOT go through this with someone, but instead go through this without that additional complication in your life. You're not coming out for him - you're coming out for yourself. (In the not so distant future, you'll be able to look back with gratitude for the impact that he's had on your life.) Don't wallow in regret. It doesn't do you any good whatsoever. What you've done or haven't done in the past can't be changed. It's history. All you have to work with is today - so make the most of it and do what you feel is right. Learn from your past, but don't feel doomed by it. Good luck!
Re: Lost in Oregon......I got through the first stage So I went to Texas to come out to my younger brother. He has two wonderful kids 10 and 13 years old. I told him before I got there that I needed a couple of hours of private time to talk with him about a personal issue. So When the time came I could hardly talk. I finally told him and he started laughing, which totally took me by surprise. Why is he laughing at me. He asked if I was serious, and I said I was. He stood up and gave me a big hug and said he loved me no matter what and that he couldn't believe that I had held this in for so long. He was totally taken by surprise which surprised me because I thought that he might have suspected. The reason that he laughed was that he was worried that maybe I was going to tell him that I have something bad like terminal cancer. So the next few days that I was there (when the kids weren't there) we talked about it. It was such a mix of emotions. I was so happy to be able to talk to him about it and at the same time was scarred for the next step. Which is going to be the most difficult one....my wife. I had a hard time even looking her in the eyes yesterday when I came home yesterday. I had thought that I would wait until my next meeting with my counselor but my next appointment isn't until July 6 when she gets back from vacation. I don't think I can wait that long. I just don't know what to do at this point. It's tough being happy and sad all at the same time. Lost
I am happy for you everything went well with your brother (*hug*). So far you have taken mostly positive steps, starting a therapy, coming out to your friend and now to your brother. That's already amazing. Now, if you think that time has come to come out to your wife, then do. Nobody else but you can tell if this is the right time. And I understand this must be absolutly terrifying, but keep one thing in mind : no matter how hard this is going to be, in the long run it is going to be better for you AND for her. It is not fair to you to stay in a relationship where you can't fully be yourself, and it is not fair for her to be in a relationship where she can't be loved fully either and where she is kept appart from a very important part of her partner's life. Yes she is going to go through a very hard time too, but I am sure that in the end that will be a good thing for both of you. I forward you a link to a Pflag booklet that your wife may find useful when you'll be out to her : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf Take care and keep us updated (*hug*) Cécile
Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments. I am printing out the info you sent it should be very helpful.
OK I came out to a friend a week and a half ago. Then two days later out to my brother. Now the most difficult one, my wife. I am going to try and do this today. I'm so so scarred. I just don't know how she will react. I can only hope she will not totally freak. I hope I say the right thing. That is the thing that I am struggling with the most.....just what do I say? Any thoughts?
I don't even know where to start in terms of what to tell your wife. I'd strongly recommend that you put something on paper so you are sure to cover the thoughts and ideas that you think you need to. You'll want to hit on things like: You haven't done this intentionally You love her and hate the fact that you're hurting her this way There is no 'final answer' or outcome already determined You're there for her, but she'd also benefit from having her own support network of some kind. Good luck!
Hi Jim, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, but I'm really glad that your friend and brother are so supportive and you should be proud of yourself for having the guts to come out to them. :eusa_clap I can totally relate to your feelings of wasting so many years, but you're doing something about that now so please be happy about that. I think you made a good decision with the counseling and I hope that goes well and maybe you can see another Dr. since the first one won't be available for so long. I agree with the advice given regarding your wife and I hope she will accept the truth without too much drama and you will remain friends. I hope you find the right words and time to talk to her about this. I think it's wise to not meet (online or otherwise) or go out with other guys until you are able to make a break with your wife and that situation is resolved. Keep coming here and let us know how you're doing. I know you can get through this and you'll have a better life. Take care (*hug*)
So next I wanted to tell my sister about my lifelong secret. She is married to the guy that was my best friend in high school. She knew that something was up because when I talked to her on the phone I asked if I could come over and talk to her and her husband about a personal issue, she wanted me to tell her what was going on right then. I told her that I wanted to talk to both of them in person. So I went over and we sat around and chatted for about an hour and then I got up enough courage to tell them. I babbled somewhat and finally said to them. I am gay. My sister then said “we know that.” I was completely surprised and it completely took the wind out of my sails, so to speak. They both got up and came over and gave me a big hug and said that it just didn’t matter to them and that I am the same person. I was so happy! I can’t explain how good it felt. So we talked for about two hours. It was wonderful. We talked about high school and how it was back then to be gay. My brother in law remembers the extensive gay bashing that was going on….it wasn’t just me being oversensitive. It felt so good just to talk about all of the stuff that I had been going through. I had to admit to my brother in law that the first crush I had on a guy was a good friend of his. I said that I thought he was really cute. It felt kind of weird saying that to them. His response was “yea he was really good looking and he stole several girls that I wanted to date.” We all laughed. Every day is getting a little better. I don’t know if I should tell my mom and dad that I am gay or not. They are getting older and I’m sure it will just cause more stress in their life. I know they would worry about me. I just don’t know what to do about them. Would it be for my benefit or for there’s? I have at least one other friend and his wife that I want to tell but I think I need a little down time to process all that has happened in the last month. My only regret is that I didn’t do this a long time ago. If I would have known how good it was going to feel I would have. Any suggestions on this would be appreciated?
