Let me just say to start off that last night and this morning i was one click away from deleting my account on this site and hiding in the closet forever just because i feel like i'm never gonna be able to tell anyone about me. Yesterday was one of my close female friends from homes birthday, so i spent yesterday at her house for dinner w. some friends (all that i trusted a lot) and then took the after party to my other female friends house. We drank and hung out a little bit and I wanted to tell them that I'm bi, or at least I think I'm bi and I might be gay. I didn't really wanna tell them all but i wanted to tell two or three of my close female friends that Itrusted the most. At one point it was just me and the 3 of them that I trusted the most were outside because they wanted a ciggarette, and I was hyping myself up to tell them and I couldn't do it. I couldn't put the words together and said it. Then on the way home it was just me and the two that I trusted the most (the other one I wanted to tell, shes a close friend, but the other two girls are close friends for a really long time and that I know I could trust). I psyched myself up again and once again just couldn't say the words. After I dropped off one of them, me and my friend decided to blaze in her backyard at 2:30 in the morning and were talking about 10000 different things. I finally thought I was going to have the courage to do it. It was just us one on one and to no suprise I couldn't do it. I couldn't even listen to what she was saying because I was too busy freaking out about what I was going to say. Even today I was in the car today coming home from a pool party with those two girls, I even started the sentence "Guys I have to tell you something..." and when they turned around and said what I freaked out and said I was lactose intolerante and made a stupid joke that they found hilarious (I'm not lactose intolerante and they know that). However, one of them looked at me weird like she almost knew what I was gonna say when I didn't say it. Ughhh basically these last two days have put a strain on my feelings on how far I've come. I can honestly say I'm at a point where IDK if I can really ever say the words to anyone and IDK if I'm ever going to have the courage to come out. I wouldn't say its making me depressed, as much as its stressing me out. Everyone thinks that I have such high self confidence that I'm friends with because I crack jokes and I'm loud and I'm the center of attention, but I feel like nobody knows that this is whats going on in my head. The only way they could know is through me, and I just cant get myself together to do that. Just the world I live in I still feel like I cant say it. IT WONT LEAVE MY LIPS. If I think about it I get nervous and sweaty and tongue tied and all I think about is the reprucussions of my making myself known. I thought I was making a lot of progress after joining this site and consistently posting, but after these last two days I feel like me coming out anytime soon (or ever) in unlikely, when in reality that is all I want! Any thoughts/tips/advice on this topic would be appreciated as always =)
I never in the whole process of coming out, told someone to their face. It was too scary for me even though I knew my friends wouldn't care. Eventually though you do have to tell people. Weather it be in person, with a text, a letter, a message in the sky, or whatever way you can think of because it isn't healthy to stay in the closet forever. My father is gay. He stayed in the closet until he was 35 and had 4 kids. Now he's happy and has a partner but for 35 years he was absolutely miserable. You don't want to wake up in 15 years and realize you've lived a complete lie. Besides with each person you tell you'll feel better and with each person it will be easier to tell them. [YOUTUBE]PUJwR_RsF9g[/YOUTUBE] < Great song for this situation
Please don't beat yourself up so much. It typically takes us lots of false starts and frustration that we can't get the words out. It's really hard to put yourself out there, being really vulnerable, especially as in your case that you've become accustomed to being the strong, center-of-attention type. Maybe you could shift gears and send an email to the one you talked late night with. It's clear by the way you express yourself here at EC that you will be able to convey exactly what you want. Then once that ice is broken, you can follow up in person. The whole point is, that you gotta get over the hump with that first one.
Saying it in person is the best way to do it in my opinion, but it sure as heck is the scariest. I'm not saying that this advice will work, but it's worth considering. When we are alone in a room, like you were when you wrote this I'm guessing, we are able to relax and gather our thoughts better. So, why don't you take some time to write a letter to your friend stating that you're bi/gay. I don't suggest making it loooong and dramatic. Just be like "Yo, what's good. I'm writing this letter to tell you that you still owe me 5 bucks oh and yeah I like guys. Peace!" LOL no not really, but you know what I mean. Personally I would make it a little humorous, but that's your call. You can also text them. Anything pre-written really. That way, you can't really change your mind last minute or take it back like what you did with the "Guys I gotta tell you something..." thing. Once they read it, that's it (unless you wanna be a jerk and say "LOLjk?") Yoooou can also try Facebook by changing your "Interested In" section, but note that everyone would see that. Many people would go against this advice, but personally I think it would be a good way to peek out of the closet. If you change it (it appears on people's newsfeeds) and your friends seem to be accepting, leave it. If everyone seems very rejectful and you can't handle the pressure, just take it back and say "LOL i was hacked." Again many people would go against this, but it's a nice way to see who really likes you for you. Good luck my brotha. Keep us updated
Don't be so hard on yourself! If this was easy, places like this wouldn't exist. When I told my first friend it was through instant message 'cause it was way easier, but I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents until they eventually confronted me about it. I psyched myself up every day for months, but could never bring myself to do it, and then proceeded to beat myself up just like you're doing. Just take it a day at a time. Coming out isn't a race to win, it's a process. Would you feel more comfortable doing an email/text/instant message? Like others have said, after the first one it gets soooooo much easier.
Are you sure you are completely comfortable with yourself yet? It's probably not for the best if you rush things. If you feel you are ready, then by all means go your own pace. But be sure you know who you are first. Try looking at yourself in the mirror every day and saying, out loud, what you are feeling inside. Become comfortable with it. So comfortable that the words leaving your lips don't require any effort anymore. They slip out nonchalantly. Easily. Coming out is a very hard thing to do, especially for the first time. I believe you can do it, though! Good luck!
You'll find the words one day. It's a pain in the ass when you build yourself up to it and then back out last minute. View it as a case of stage fright. It's natural to be nervous. Were it to go wrong - we won't justify those consequences by naming them here. If it goes right (and your friend smokes blunts, I'm almost certain she'll be accepting), it'll be the most liberating experience in the world. I know it can be scary - the feeling that someone might reject you for your sexuality. But you're the same person, whether you're out of the closet or in it. So anyone who would reject you based on something so insignificant doesn't deserve to be your friend in the first place. They weren't a very good friend to begin with if their allegiance to you could be so easily severed. "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I know everyone says it, but once you manage to get the words out, it literally feels like a 50 pound weight's just been removed from your chest. Good luck. Think about it that way. You think you'll feel badly if you say it and you can't take it back - but you'll feel even worse if you hold it in. When you get to that barrier of "I can't say it", with someone you know will have your back, push through it. All that's waiting on the other side of those words is a feeling of pure freedom. That, and you might have the dumbest, widest, most uncontrollable grin on your face people might mistake you for the Joker. "It's so loud/ Inside my head/ with words that I should have said/ As I drown, in my regret/ I can't take back the words I never said." -- Lupe Fiasco, "Words I never Said"
Thanks for all the good advice everyone! This post was after just those bad days and now I'm back on pace and hoping to make my moves out of the closet sooner than later. All the support from this site always helps. IDK how comfortable with myself I am yet, but I have made the decision to know that I am not straight, and that alone was a big step for me =) and i love lupe fiasco indiana juno!! lolol
Here's the good news: the closest you are to coming out, the scariest it seems. So if you're scared shitless, you're pretty close to coming out! Serously though, the pressure can be immense... Building up the courage, and then bailing at the last minute. I must've don a hundred times when I was coming out. Every time I got closer and I thought I was so so close, but it wouldn't come out. You just need to keep trying and trying and someday you'll just spit it out and it'll be out there and you'll be so proud. Keep at it
