1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

So, how do I actually go about coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BudderMC, May 27, 2011.

  1. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Yeah, it's another one of these questions from me that I can probably answer, but always like having another opinion on. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I think I'm finally at the point where I want to come out to my housemates (legitimately come out, not just I think it's something I "need" to do). As of now, I've told nobody, so they'd be the first. But also as of now, they're easily the best/closest friends I've had in probably my entire life, and am fairly confident they wouldn't have any issues with it.

    4/7 of us are living in our house over the summer, and the other 3 are at home, so I'd worry about them later. The thing is, I really want to tell them in person. It's not that I have less respect for telling them through a message or something like other people have successfully done, but for some reason this is something I feel I should do in person. But on the other hand, I've been trying to psych myself up to do this in person for a good few weeks now and I'm starting to think I won't be able to. I think part of the reason I'm opposed to a letter/e-mail is probably also that I won't know when they read it, and I'll probably be paranoid for the rest of that day (or however long it takes them to get it, we still don't have Internet at the house). Even if they were to hate me afterwards, I'd at least like to know for a fact, to my face, that they feel the way they feel. I'm also debating between who I should tell first (or all at once?), but I figure that's something to determine after.

    As for method... I originally thought Facebook message. I mean, I know I just said no messages, but we've been talking about stuff in one group message and it's working out really well. But, I'm also kinda worried that whatever I put on the Internet stays on the Internet, virtually forever. Also, would it be any more considerate to send each individual person a message, that way I figured they can reply whatever they want without worrying about what everyone else would see (privacy and whatnot)?

    Otherwise, I was thinking I could write a short letter and give it in person while I awkwardly sit there as they read it. It wouldn't be in depth or anything, just kinda a little segway into breaching the topic, but it would get the words out of me, if only on paper.

    Iunno, thoughts? You guys usually know better than I do, especially when I start to ramble like I am now. :rolle:
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm thinking FB might work fine. My only suggestions would be:

    1. keep it short and simple
    2. watch the tone

    1. Keep it short and simple. It's very easy to turn this into an exceptionally lengthy therapy session. I helped one guy with his coming-out note, and he finally got around to saying he was gay in the nineteenth paragraph. That's rather an extreme example, but I think it's best to keep this short and to the point. A modest-size paragraph is fine.

    2. People tend to pick up on cues from us. If you treat it like it's not that big a deal, they're more likely to do the same. So keep it friendly and hopeful.

    It might run something like this.

    "Hey guys. There's something I want to discuss with you briefly. I've reached the point where I feel I really need to start telling people I'm gay, and since you're my best friends, I figure you're the ones I should start with. I don't think telling (3 guys home for summer) won't be that big of a deal either, but I'm hoping I can count on you if I need some support when it comes to telling others. I'd like this to proceed at my own pace, if at all possible, so I'd appreciate you not telling anybody else until I'm ready. Thanks."

    Lex
     
  3. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Thanks Lex, I'm wondering if it would be fair to want it treated not strictly like "no big deal" though. I mean, I don't want it to be a big deal because it obviously isn't in the grand scheme of things... but at the same time, it took a lot of soul-searching, so I don't really want to just being brushed off either (if that made any sense). Does that sound remotely reasonable, to want that kind of middle-ground?
     
  4. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Personally, I did my first cming-outs with a letter/face-to-face combo.

    Which is to say: I wrote a nice personalised letter to the person I wanted to come out to, and then made sure I had them alone and uninterrupted. At which point I usually either manipulated the conversation towards my own sexuality, or just interrupted and said: "There's something I want you to know" and launched into the exposition part.

    I found it has several advantages:
    1) I had a good preparation with the letter. I had at least tried to put myself in their shoes and think of what they might ask. A good preparation is already half the work
    2) I had the letter in my back pocket as a backup. If I would, at any point, not be able to continue, I could just pull it out and hand it over. I never needed it, but it was a good push in the back anyway.

    Also, I found tat coming out to one person at a time had the advantage of me feeling more in control of the situation. I knew where to look (which is harder in a rom of people), and I could enlist their support and advice in coming out to others.

    That's just how it worked best for me, though. And I do think the facebook mesage sounds like a good idea too.

    As for making it a big deal: there's a difference between discussing it (the kind of attention you want), and making it into a mini-drama. Questions will come, and if you answr them openly, they'll no doubt lead into a nice conversation.
    What you don't want to do is give the impression that you feel bad about being gay, that you're apologising for being gay, or that you're somehow asking for their permission on the matter. Ending the coming-out by inviting them to talk about what they think is perfectly OK, though.
     
  5. Sadepeura

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2011
    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    As you already said, coming out in person has the advantages of you seeing the persons reaction when you tell them. The way Filip had the letter in his back pocket sounds like an excellent backup!

    I did my first coming-outs in person because it was a bigger deal for me then and I wanted to know how they react, although it was very scary. Since then I've told some people online. But because these are your housemates who you presumably see all the time, it shouldn't be too difficult to catch them in person when they are not too busy. Sending them a facebook message might therefore be a bit odd. They might not know whether they should ask them questions about your sexuality online or whether it would be just alright to ask them in person. Telling them in person will make them feel like it's alright to talk about it with you in everyday-life. If that makes sense. :slight_smile:

    I myself haven't actually managed to tell my own housemates, apart from the one who is just moving out. And I on some level feel like I should, but in the other hand I feel like I really shouldn't. But if I was to tell them, I would do it in person. I think you just should choose the way that you find the most natural.
     
  6. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Thanks again for the input guys :slight_smile:

    That's exactly what I meant. I just couldn't formulate words before. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Now, one of the three I'd telling is a guy, and the other two are girls. He's probably the closest guy friend I have, we have an ridiculously large number of things in common, and I know I have some sort of feelings for him. By that I mean I have strong feelings towards him, but since he's my real first close guy friend, I'm not totally sure if they're romantic or more of a brotherly love kinda deal. For what it's worth, I feel like he's reciprocating whatever sort of unspoken feelings we've got for each other, but I've yet to hear anything about his sexuality, so that's all speculation.

    Anyway, the point was, I know in another thread a concern was that telling someone of the same gender may cause them to worry you're interested in them... if he asks, which route do I go with? I mean, I could lie and tell him I don't have any feelings, but I see that as not only a bad thing to do, but shuts down any potential feelings he did have for me and shuts out any opportunity I have if I decide I have romantic feelings for him when I sort that all out more. On the other hand, if I tell him the truth it might weird him out and be a lot to handle all in one sitting. I mean, I kinda don't wanna throw my whole unspoken story involving him at him all at once.

    And another question... someone just reassure me that there's never going to be a "best" or "perfect" time to bring it up. I mean, half the reason I've been stalling since whenever I decided this needed to happen was because any time that seemed remotely appropriate wouldn't actually work, because things were "too busy" or I would "ruin the night" or whatever. I know there is no best time, and timing doesn't matter too much as long as they're paying attention, but someone just reassure me of that please (or correct me if I'm wrong) :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #6 BudderMC, May 30, 2011
    Last edited: May 30, 2011
  7. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it unlikely that he would ask. At least, I never had this happen with one of my friends before. Even one that I was jokingly flirty with before I came out.

    I think it's dangerous to just openly discuss fancying him. He'll already be a bit apprehensive at the coming out, so anything making him feel awkward is a big no.
    And flat-out denying might actually make it clear you're lying (though I think it's preferable to the big confession route)

    Personally, I think I'd do a candid partial confession in such a situation. Something like: "Okay, I won't lie. you're a nice guy, and if you swung that way, I would have had no objection to dating. But right now, I'm perfectly happy with our friendship as it is!"

    Technically, that's not a lie, but also a compliment, and it should put him at ease. And puts the ball entirely in his camp.

    Then again, that's just me. I'm basically imagining my own friends in this, on who I know I culd pull it off. You know the guy better than us, though, so it's entirely up to you to assess how to handle it.

    Nope, no such thing as a perfect moment. There'll always be a distraction or other topic, or other more perfect moment that's just over the horizon. People generally don't expect a coming-out (even if they would have an idea you're gay, social conventions prohibit them bringing it up anyway).

    But great men and women make their own destiny. And you have every right to demand a "me-moment" among friends. So just pick a day, resolve to make it happen no matter what, and go for it! You can do it!
    (and do report afterwards :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)
     
  8. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Well, due to extenuating circumstances I didn't actually get to spend more than 24 hours up at the house this week, I skipped my classes and stuff because of family crap. So the time I spent up there was pretty much all 4 of us the whole time, and I didn't really get a chance to bring it up. But at work I kinda drafted a letter that I'll hold onto, just in case (I really do love that pocket idea :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), and was wondering if you guys could just give it a quick look-see:

    Iunno, maybe just see if there's anything glaring that I missed or whatever. You guys probably know better than I do. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Sidenote: Someone walked in on me while I was typing this up. Let me chalk that up to another reason why I really need to get on this whole "coming out" thing, so I can stop internally jumping with fear anytime someone walks up somewhere behind me... :rolle:
     
  9. NordicSpirit

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2010
    Messages:
    233
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    I think the letter is really good! :slight_smile: I'd say go for it!
     
  10. theWorldisYours

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2011
    Messages:
    114
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    I just want to say Budder, I really like your letter. I think I'm definitely going to use it as a template for my own letter sometime soon. I think you'll do fine! Good luck, and maybe I can gather the courage to come out myself sometime soon.
     
  11. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Still nothing yet, I've been playing catch-up with my schoolwork so I've been kinda isolated a lot lately, and when I'm around the others it's usually the bulk of us together. Anyway, I'm pretty set on wanting to get this done, enough to set a due date of tomorrow for it. Everyone's going home for the weekend, so nobody will see each other till Monday night (after classes/work). Like in my letter, I think I'm ok with giving a letter rather than having a face-to-face now, but I just really need to get this over with. Since everyone's leaving, I was wondering how good/bad an idea it would be to just tuck the letter in with his things he's taking home? I mean, I'm likely leaving before he gets back to the house from work, so I could leave it on his desk or something... I also borrowed his calculator, I could toss it with that too. Alternatively, I could give it to him before I leave and ask that he read over it all before he texts me or something like that.

    Thoughts guys? I'm kinda getting that backing out feeling again, but I'm really trying to push myself to get it done. I just don't want to blow it either, y'know?
     
  12. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You must not back out! Keep to your due date!
    In fact, you'd better be posting in the coming-out stories section next time of we'll be very annoyed :icon_wink

    I do still prefer actually giving the letter, or if that's not possible, making absolutely sure it will be noticed.

    This might be just me, but if you would tuck a letter in with my belongings, I might not notice it as my backpack gets tossed in the corner first thing I do in the weekend. And if you would tuck it in with my laundry, it would probably get disintegrated in the washer five minutes after I return home :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Okay, that might be hyperbole, but really, it helps making sure they read it. Nothing's worse than to sit a whole weekend at home angsting for lack of replies, while the receiving party might not have even noticed your letter.

    I do like the letter, by the way.

    Good luck! You can do it!
     
  13. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Well, I left the letter on his desk and went to class. He should be home within half an hour or so, so I guess I'll know relatively soon. If nothing else, at least it'll be over and done with... I'm feeling some pretty major anxiety right now, so I hope it's worth it :/
     
  14. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Eh well, I just got back from class and went in and out of the house; his shoes are there, so he's definitely home, and the lights are off up the hallway upstairs where his room is, so he's likely watching TV shows on his computer. I left the note on top of his computer specifically so he'd have to acknowledge it, so I'm kinda as 100% certain he's seen it as I can be without actually asking him.

    So um... should I leave it be, or maybe ask him if he got my note? We see each other at breakfast every day since we get up at the same time, so guaranteed there will be awkward conversation tomorrow (unless he specifically avoids me). Iunno, I really want to know he's read it, but at the same time if he's digesting the info or whatever people do when they get news like this I don't want to disturb him. Would it at least be fair game to ask him tomorrow morning, or would it be better to play it off like it didn't happen?

    So many decisions... I feel like I'm overthinking it almost as much if not more than the actual process of when to leave the note in the first place. :/
     
  15. ICTOAUN

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    0
    facebook "virtually on the internet forever". this is true. so no, i do not advise that you choose this option.
    all in a group? i dont advise this either. telling ppl individually is more personal. you will get an honest reaction and theyll b able to share their thoughts with you.
    messages in general- no. although, the personal letter where u wait for them to read it while they r sitting with u isnt bad. especially if u r bad at talking when youre nervous.
    the best option is to tell them in person. just talking. but i think in-person letter would work just fine. main thing= IN PERSON.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2011 at 11:16 PM ----------

    i think he has had enough time to process the information u just gave him. bring it up. dont be awkward or seem nervous. bring it up casually. "hey i left a note on ur computer earlier today, have you read it?"
     
  16. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    (*hug*) The anxiety is horrible, but you're almost through the worst of it now!

    He probably can use some time to digest, but at the same time, you don't want to make this the big elephant in the room. Anight of time should be enough, methinks :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So yeah: just asking: "I left you a note yesterday. Did you have any chance to read it yet?" is the best thing you can ask! That shows him that you're willing to talk in person about it, if he feels like it.
     
  17. Poyo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2011
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OH
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That was a fantastic letter! Congrats on making the jump!
     
  18. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada