So, yesterday I was hanging out with a friend of mine (1) who is one of the top people in my group of high school friends. She's the one who coordinates our meetings and generally it's her house we all end up at on Friday night for Apples to Apples and movies. I came out to her earlier this week, and so (naturally) the conversation at some point turned on to how many people in the group were still completely straight. She mentioned two names, and I was surprised when she didn't mention another friend's name (2). I asked why she didn't think he was straight (since I thought he was, and I'm his closest guy friend) and I got the following story: "One night, four years ago, I got a call from 3. She was extremely distraught and told me she didn't know what to do. She had just gotten off the phone with a confused and worried 2. He was crying, and said 'I'm scared that I'm gay!' She didn't know what to do, and I'm pretty sure 2 was serious because 3 wouldn't have called me if there was no reason to." The conversation continued, but I was told that this info could not go beyond me. Admittedly, I was also told that the call from 2 to 3 was confidential, and the call from 3 to 1 was confidential to 2 as well as everyone else. The only reason I was told was that I had just come out, and both I and 2 come from extremely similar backgrounds, and were extremely close friends. So now, I'm at a loss for what to do, and I'd like your advice on how to proceed. 1 and I are convinced that 2 is still gay, and is very far back in the closet. I'd like to help him, but I'm not really sure how. I have two ideas, but I don't want to proceed and either push him even further back into the closet or cause our friendship to stop. First idea: I'm coming out on Facebook within the month. In my coming out note, I intend to make it obvious that I am available for anyone currently in the closet who needs someone to talk to, and to encourage those who are still there that it is possible to be free of it. So, I can take no action at the moment and hope that he'll reach out to me through the note. I think this is the least risky option, and it also prevents me from possibly messing things up, which is a possibility of the second idea. Second idea: Talk to 1 and get permission to go to 3 about the phone call she got. Go to 3 and get her opinion on 2's sexuality, then ask her what she thinks I should do. Then, depending on her answer, come out to 2 face-to-face, explain that I've spoken to both 1 and 3 and that I understand what it's like to be in the closet. This option is highly risky, and also could be problematic, but it's what my heart and gut are telling me to do, which is why I post here. What do you think? While you were in the closet, would you have appreciated someone coming out to you, especially in the circumstance of "We're worried because you seem to be majorly in the closet and aren't talking about it?" I understand that I would be overstepping a lot of bounds in the second idea, but it just feels like something I should do. Please help me, as I really don't want to do something stupid!
I would sugest simply coming out to him, without saying that you think he's gay. Just a simple: "There's been something I've been wanting to tell you for a while... You're a close friend of mine and I wanted you to know that I'm gay" sort of thing. If he is gay, it might take him a while to approach you and ask for help, but its quite likely that he will. If he's not... well, nothing lost, since you were planning to come out on facebook anyway. I think that one-on-one-confidential-personal coming out is better, because it sort of reinforces the bond and says its perfectly fine to ask for help and to confide in you. Good luck, whatever you decide.
I had a couple of friends who were out and open before I was, and even if one of them had come to me and said, "So... we're all wondering, when are you going to come out?" it would have really freaked me out! So don't push 2, or ask him if he's gay. It isn't likely to help. I'd suggest that you come out to him in person, but don't say or ask anything about his sexuality. Then when you come out on facebook, write a note that says anyone who wants to contact you (totally confidentially) can do so to discuss things. That way, you've built a stronger link with 2, and he knows he can speak to you about his sexuality if he wants to, but without any kind of pressure being applied to him.
Rubiks: Thanks for the input! For some reason, I hadn't thought of that option which was hidden in the second idea. Everyone else that I've told, I've told on the way back to my house after a group thing, but he doesn't usually show up to those group things. Also, while we are close friends, I've been at college for the past semester, and the one time I was home, I didn't get to see him (or anyone else in this group). I think I will take your option, unless upon contacting person 3 from my OP she has further stuff which shows I need to talk to him about him. Do you (or anyone else who comments) feel that it would be a good idea to just ask him to meet me at a park or something, or do you think that would be rather awkward for him? I could wait until he's at another group get-together and get a ride home with him, but I don't know when he'll be at another group thing. Edit: @ni - I can understand that feeling, and I wasn't intending to be exactly that blunt. I was hoping (in idea 2) to just let him know that I knew about the phone call and that if he wanted to talk about it I was available to talk. I can see my OP kinda had the feeling that I would be blunt about it. Thanks for your input!
I think that telling him about the phonecall would be a breach of trust of both 1 and 3. And might also bring up painful memories - he was crying, right? I would sugest you just meet up as friends somewhere. Come out, maybe half an hour before you leave, so that A, the mood is usually going to be calmer, B, on the off chance he rejects you you haven't got to endure the entire day, and C, not right before the end so it doesn't feel like your walking off. I've found talking over videogames or movies can be quite good, if your into that sort of thing. I think that the ride home thing would work less well since it seems like you havent seen each other in quite a while.
Ah, thanks for the advice! We both love video games, and there are a few movies I'm sure he'd be going to see anyway. I don't know if I'll be able to actually come out to him over videogames, as he'd have to be at my house, or I at his, and I'm not out to all of my family yet. I'll see if that works for anyone else left on my list of who I'm coming out to before my major FB thing.
