I realize that maybe this isn't an option for some people, I don't mean any offense. I look like a pretty feminine woman and seem straight to most who don't me very well and never tried DESPERATELY to seem heterosexual to most people, but this is something that I've always done that caused me a lot of turmoil. I've had a few close gay friends in the past, one VERY close, my best friend Michael. I was his hag, basically, and all of his other female friends were straight. It's not like everything would have been ruined if he knew I was gay, but I just couldn't tell him. He was very out, very loud in the sense that he wore pink eye shadow and women's jeans sometimes. I really wondered if he could just sense i. I felt like he could ,and I never gushed about boys with him, never said *anything* about a boy once and got quiet whenever the subject came up. We had a really close connection and it seemed like he knew, but he never said anything. He probably just thought I was awkward about men or not really interested yet, we were both 17. I also did this with other random gay people, especially in work-settings. I never wanted to ping on their radar but at the same time i wanted to connect to them so bad, so I tried to but I had to alter myself and I think I just came off like a weirdo. I can't even really describe how I turn the gay "off". When I don't turn it off, I think other gay people and some straight people who are around me often pick up on it but otherwise I just sort of...tune everything out, change the way I talk to the person and pretend not to notice if they may be wondering if I'm gay or not. I did have one boss on I KNOW knew, she just did. She and her girlfriend both knew and once she basically told me that if I wanted to talk to her about "it" I could after I came into work in tears one morning, I was really young, about 19. I just said OK and pretended not to know what she was getting at, never talked to her. I was really struggling with my sexuality then , I think she could just tell nearly everyday, for whatever reason. Anyway, I hate that I've done this and lost so many possible connections with other gay people because I didn't want to be out and worst of all, because I didn't feel like I was good enough for them or something, like they were *real* gay people because they were out and proud and had lives. Anyone else?
Not too sure about the whole "turning it off" thing however, I am probably the "straightest" gay guy anyone will ever meet. Because of that I too felt like I wasnt good enough while I was still trying to figure out what was going on. Then I came here to EC and realized that who I am is who I am and thats that. Come to find out a lot, and I mean alot of gay guys love the whole "straight" thing. Anyhow, maybe you could just try and forget about it and be who you are. Hang out here for a while, EC is a great place to just be a fruity little fuck. I know my situation isnt really the same but thats really all I can come up with.
I can't say as I know why you're doing it now, but I'll tell you why I did it then. Even as I grew more aware of my homosexuality, I tended to draw a very definitely line between myself and other gay guys. I remember in college thinking of the out-and-proud gay guys, and thinking "I'm not like THEM. I might like guys, but I'm certainly not at all like THEM." I wasn't exactly sure where the disconnect was. I may have deluded myself into thinking that I was somehow a "straight guy who just dug guys", which of course is like being a vegetarian that just happens to eat meat. The qualifier completely negates the adjective. As I got older, and as I met more gay guys, the disconnect more or less went away. I no longer felt I was somehow different, or (worse) superior to the effeminate or out-and-proud gay guys. If anything, I was inferior, because I was needlessly hamstringing myself by denying who I was. Once I got to know more gay guys, and got to see the full spectrum of guys who identified as gay, I felt more at ease. I found that gay really meant nothing other than "I dig guys". Other people (including me previously) might have some baggage that goes along with the tag, but you can't blame the people who are out and about for that baggage. If I want people to understand that "being gay means only one thing", my response shouldn't be to tell the out-and-proud guys to kick it down a notch. It should be to add my not-that-stereotypical voice to their choir. Lex
I think Lex nailed it right in the head. I did a pretty similar thing when I started coming out. The only difference is that, since I'm not as "straight-acting" as I would had hoped, I had to go full on homophobe while I was in high school in order to distance myself from other gay people. Of course it was incredibly hypocritical of me and just plain stupid, but its what I did to "turn the gay off." I was just afraid of people thinking I was gay and did anything I could to prevent that. It does go away though. The more comfortable you get to be with yourself the more you are able to stop worrying about it. It actually took me a while to get to the point where I was allowing myself to connect to other gay people. Keep at it and that defense mechanism of putting the shields up so people don't find out will be easier and easier to stop
Well, I did this for most of my highschool and uni career completely, and I guess I still do it now in a lot of situations. I wouldn't necessarily call it "turning off" my gay side in most cases. I am apparently quite naturally straight-acting (or so I'm told). I'm just pretty close-lipped about anything personal, from what I did last weekend to being gay. And in most situations, it doesn't come up anyway. When I'm in a meeting with colleagues, we usually talk about numbers, instead of who we fancy I'll never entirely forgive myself for the way I treated my one gay friend in highschool, though. On any give day, I would never fail to make fun of him for being gay. He took it in good spirits (and I was rarely mean, except for a rough period right after he came out). But looking back, I do feel it was my way of distancing myself from him and avoid drawing attention to myself. Also, I would always fnd a way of avoiding to have to speak about myself. Right now, i do regret doing that, as meeting people (not just gay people) is easier in highschool and college than it is afterwards...
I know how you feel. I have to try to "turn the gay off" at school and things like that, but I kinda gave up on it because I am drawn to be friends with girls mostly. Not that I want to be a girl, I just LOVE having them as friends.
I have no need to turn it off, since I've always acted quite straight in general, both before I realised my sexuality and afterwards. If anything, I occasionally turn it on, often unintentionally.
