1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

At kind of a funky crossroads (kinda long)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SecretColor, May 29, 2011.

  1. SecretColor

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2011
    Messages:
    368
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    From St. Louis, MO; go to school in Philly
    Ok so this is my 1st post (thanks in advance for all the welcomes to EC). Anyway, I came out to my RA (who is now my best friend) last semester right after spring break. Naturally, I goofed up a little bit by telling him I had feelings for him a week afterwards without us getting to know each other better; he didn't feel the same way. However, since then he's kind of been sending me mixed messages. As an example, after I came out to him, I emailed and Facebook messaged him a lot (more than I should have in retrospect) and wrote a few notes. One Sun., I was talking to him in his room, and I noticed that he had printed all of these things out and had them by his desk. When I asked him if he was holding onto them to document that I sent them or something, he said no, that it was for a 'private reason.' I didn't think anything of it until later. Before, he had always been relatively quick to answer me if I texted him or said something on Facebook chat. Since that Sunday, he sometimes takes a day or more to respond, and sometimes he hasn't even responded at all. In addition, if I ever say anything that sounds even remotely sad, he says 'aww' before anything else.

    Also, in perhaps one of the riskier moves I've taken, I invited him to come up to my house (as a friend) and spend the weekend of Jul 4th with my family and I; I sent the e-mail inviting him on Wed. and he still hasn't responded. As an aside, while I sometimes stick sexual euphemisms in my emails and such just to break the tension, I didn't do that at all in the invite e-mail so show that I was being serious.

    I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this; I guess I just needed to put it somewhere where people could see it instead of saving it as an email draft.
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    My main thought on reading your post is that you might be what I call "convenience crushing". It seems to be pretty common, especially among people either in the closet, or in the process of coming out. That's when you sort of latch onto somebody you have come out to, or perhaps feel you could more easily come out to. And the rationale seems to be "Hey, here's this person - wouldn't it make things so much easier if I could simply hook up with him/her? It would take care of the whole coming-out thing, and I wouldn't have to go find a boy/girlfriend on my own." I'm not saying that these thoughts are conscious or even recognized, but it seems a lot of people follow that path.

    Mainly, I don't see a lot of signs coming from your RA. True, I'm not sure why your RA printed out these messages. My initial reaction is that he was covering - that he DID print them out for documentation. (He might have to "cover his butt" if he's accused of making a move on one of his "charges".) But that's not necessarily the case. Perhaps he finds your crush on him "cute", and printed out the messages for that reason. (I've had a couple people crush on me where the feelings weren't returned, but they still made me feel nice and special. :slight_smile: ) And I don't read too much into him giving you an "aww" before anybody else - in a sense, that's sort of the RA's job, right? :slight_smile:

    My main thought is this. Believe his words. If he says he's not interested, then either he isn't interested (most likely), or he has good reason to say he's not interested even though he is. Perhaps he feels getting involved as an RA is a bad idea (it was actually against the rules at my school), or maybe he isn't interested in any relationship right now, or any number of things. You pressing the case won't help matters any. He knows you're interested. If he decides he's interested in return, he'll let you know. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. SecretColor

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2011
    Messages:
    368
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    From St. Louis, MO; go to school in Philly
    I get where you're coming from, and I think that what I felt was certainly a convenience crush at first, but now... I don't know. What's weird is that he said because I was still newly gay, he didn't really want to start anything. I actually talked to my older sister (who I haven't come out to yet), and asked her why he might be holding onto that stuff. She thought that, if he actually wasn't documenting them, he either *liked* me or was going to use them against me. Since I really didn't write anything he could use against me, this suggests something along the lines of what you suggested - that he might have feelings for me but the situation isn't right. Maybe now, since he's no longer my RA and we've become closer, this might change. If he drives up for the 4th, I think I'll just leave things open; that way, I can't say or ask anything that could damage our friendship and if he does have feelings for me, they have a higher chance of showing up.