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Am I the only one? :L

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by iceyblue2004, Jun 1, 2011.

  1. iceyblue2004

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    Hey first time posting this but I was wondering on your advice and ideas.

    So I've been str8 all of my life, till about 8th grade. I started thinking about guys and it carried to college. I've had girlfriends and are really emotionally attached to girls. However there is something about dudes that attract me physically. I dont think/believe I can ever have an emotional connection with a dude. I actually enjoy having sex with girls more than guys. Yet there are fantasy in the back of my mind, yes I have fooled around with another dude before. But after it I dont feel anything, it was purely physical attraction to me. What do you guys think? :grin:
     
  2. Lexington

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    I'd say "Welcome to EC", but it appears you joined three years ago. So welcome to the posting side of EC. :slight_smile:

    It's actually something I run into from time to time. I've only seen it in guys, but I don't see any reason why it can't happen in women, too. Guys who feel an emotional connection to women, but a physical connection to other guys. It can be summed up with the pithy "guys to bed, but a woman to wed". :slight_smile: I personally don't have any issue with it. My feeling is the guy is simply bisexual, and has two somewhat different attractions to the two genders. Some feel that such guys are actually gay, and have put some sort of barrier down that keeps them from connecting emotionally with guys, and I admit that CAN be the case, but I don't think that's necessarily true of all of them.

    I guess the true question is - then what? Hook up with guys, and see if you connect emotionally with one? Date women, and hope they'll understand if you hook up with a guy on the side, or jerk off to gay porn from time to time?

    Lex
     
  3. thedylan

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    i would say this was my problem but i have come to the conclusion that I like both genders and am really only looking for the one I fall in love with it doesnt matter if its a man or a woman whoever makes me happy and thats the bottom line and thats how it should be no matter what if a man makes you happy to be with then thats how you should look at it too
     
  4. iceyblue2004

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    Well I've physically attracted to women as well. I guess the emotional part never seems to come out with a guy. But when I have dated women the idea of a dude has gone out the window, somewhat faded away. Yet when Im single it comes back, its like a dam lol.
     
  5. Lexington

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    I remember talking to one guy who said "I find guys really hot, but only when I'm horny." Which I said "That's like saying 'I like waffles, but only when I'm hungry'." :slight_smile:

    But if you can form physical bonds with females, as well, I'd say perhaps you're bisexual, but more on the straight side. In which case, killer - date women, and jerk off to gay porn if you're in the mood. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. iceyblue2004

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    ahah thanks for replying, I was thinking the same, thinking it was kind of weird. I guess the world aint so black and white huh
     
  7. Lexington

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    It'd be pretty boring if it were. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. Chip

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    I'll add:

    Cognitive dissonance can play in here as well. I've talked to an awful lot of guys who, when they first started exploring their sexuality, used the same "Oh, I can't really feel an emotional connection to a guy" line... and which later turned out to be "Ya well, I sorta shut myself down to feeling connection with guys because I didn't want to be gay." Now... I don't know if that fits for you, it may not at all. But if you aren't completely comfortable with the idea that you could be gay or bi, then it is possible that your unconscious is throwing everything it can out there to try and keep you totally straight (which, if you're gay or bi, really isn't possible...)

    So one of my old fallbacks in that position is to tell you to look deeply into yourself, and try to honestly answer the following questions: When you're out on the street, where do your eyes wander? Guys or girls? When you watch porn, is it gay or straight? If straight, are your eyes wandering toward the guys or the girls? When you masturbate, what are you thinking about?

    If you can honestly answer to each of those that you're thinking about girls, then you're likely pretty straight. But if it's mostly the guys then... you have some cognitive dissonance going on; part of you wants to explore and be open to sex with guys, and the other part is trying desperately to have that not be true.

    Think about that and (assuming you feel comfortable doing so) talk about what answers come up for you. That's not an absolute answer to your question, but it can help clarify things.
     
  9. iceyblue2004

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    Hey Chip thanks for responding

    "When you're out on the street, where do your eyes wander? Guys or girls?"
    probably 95% of the time its Girls. 5% is a guy who is more built than I am, skinny-er than I am, though im 6ft 160ft and pretty skinny ahah. I guess that part stems from me being a larger kid growing up and trying to slim down my whole life.

    "When you watch porn, is it gay or straight?"
    It has been str8 for a while, then I switched and now im back to str8 again.

    "If straight, are your eyes wandering toward the guys or the girls?"
    Like before it was girls then guys now back to girls.

    When you masturbate, what are you thinking about?
    Same as before. An interesting note though is if im thinking about a dude afterwords i am totally turned off on the idea of hooking up with one. guess its the hormones haha
     
  10. iceyblue2004

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  11. Lexington

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    I stand by my posts. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  12. Chip

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    With the responses you've given, assuming you're being honest with yourself, I'm inclined to agree with Lex.

    I don't think it's important to label yourself at this point. I do think it might be worthwhile to explore what it might be like to have sex with a guy again. As to the point about feeling weird when thinking about a guy after ejaculating... I once went out with a guy who was horny as hell when we were having sex... but as soon as he ejaculated, he was *completely* grossed out about being with a guy and absolutely convinced he wasn't gay. Then, he'd go back to wanting to have sex again a day or a few days later, and the cycle would repeat. His explanations for how he felt were somewhat similar to yours.

    I ended up speaking to him a couple years later... and he'd accepted that he was gay and had been in a relationship with a guy for over a year. But, to be fair, he had a lot of religious baggage he had to work through, and I think his revulsion after ejaculating was probably more guilt and shame than anything else. So the take-away from that would be, leave your mind open to the possibility, and maybe experiment, but also consider that you may for whatever reason just be someone who occasionally enjoys sex with men but isn't otherwise attracted to them.
     
  13. iceyblue2004

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    I guess what can explain that if I am with a girl-relationship wise, I never think about it. Yet once thats gone it comes back. I am worried personally that I would marry later in life to a woman and have these things rush back at me again. Also I do think I get a kick out of hooking up with guys behind my friends back, kind of lke a cat and mouse game, call me crazy ahah
     
    #13 iceyblue2004, Jun 2, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2011
  14. Lexington

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    After a certain point, there's really no use analyzing your sexuality any further. It's not like you haven't given it enough thought - you clearly have. It may not be a simple answer like "straight" or "gay", but I don't think the picture is going to become any clearer. Just go date girls, and feel free to look at gay porn once in a while if you're so inclined. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  15. Meropspusillus

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    I guess the other question is that if that "barrier" is part of who you are as well, does it really matter?