I have a friend, let's call her Elise, that's her name after all. I don't know why I call her my friend, cause I don't really like her anymore. She's actually supposed to be my best friend, and I call her my best friend, because that's what everyone expects. Yeah, I'm that kinda girl. I do the things people expect from me. I'm half-giving up on my dreams to become an actress or a singer because my family expects me to become a doctor, and I don't want to dissapoint them. But enough about that. Back to my main problem. Elise. I became friends with her because she was the only one who wanted to become friends with me at primary school (okay, I don't think it's really primary school, because it's different here in Holland, but it's almost the same). We went to the same high school made some new friends, but it's always been like I am her link to our 'new' (we've now been friends for almost four years) friends. And since about our second year at high school, she's been so annoying. When I told her that I wanted to start taking theatre classes (not at school, but a real theatre club), she immediately wanted to come too. I didn't mind at first, I thought it would be nice, knowing someone already. But when I tried to make some new friends, she became almost possesive. She was always there, I had no second to myself. I did manage to make a new friend, though, but Elise was still always there, and didn't even attempt to make new friends. All very well, I thought she was just feeling inconfident(or however you say that). Then suddenly, she wanted to do everything together. I started playing guitar again, after two years of not playing, and suddenly, she stopped taking piano lessons, bought a guitar and begged me to teach her how to play. And we're totally different. I'm sort of a tomboy, half-emo, kind of girl, I never wear make-up and I hate pink and skirts; she is a girly girly girl, sometimes looks wears way too much makeup, buys a new dress for every party and often looks like a slut, yet she seems to think boys are just to look at, they can't be friends, and kissing? no, she's way too young for that. She's sixteen, and whenever the word sex is mentioned, she goes red and starts to giggle. Well, I can go on and on about things about her that annoy me, but then this post is going to be too long. And I know you're all going to say:'tell her what you think' but I can't. I'm not that kind of person. I can't hurt her like that. She really hasn't got a clue about what I think of her, what I really think. And I know lying to her isn't going to help either, but at least it doesn't hurt her. She's happy, even though she's living in a lie. Plus, I'm scared that, if I lose her, I'll lose the rest of my friends, and I'm not exactly popular or something, so I won't have any friends left. But I really have the feeling that things can't go on like this much longer. It's killing me, being torn between doing what I want to do, and doing what everyone expects me to. I know what I should do, but it's not that easy. I really want to tell her how I think, partly because I joined the school theatre group this year, and she didn't because she was too scared of being rejected, and I've been having a great time with those people. But now, she wants to join that group too, next year, and I really don't want that. That was about the only thing I had for my own. And I know that she's not gonna be a part of it all, because they're not the kind of people she likes, and then I'm stuck with her again, because I will feel sorry for her, and then I'll no longer be a part of that group, but one of the 'outsiders on the inside' and I don't want that. And if I do tell her what I think, I know she's going to deny it all. I have the feeling she's sort of copying me, not in how I look or something, but in what I do. But she'll say that that's not true, that we just happen to have the same interests. And then we'll start fighting, and she'll manage to make it look like it was my fault, like she always does. She's also trying to make me feel worthless. Maybe she doesn't copy me, but wants to be better than me at everything. This has gotten worse after I came out to her. Sometimes I really hate her. Can anyone help me, cause I'm really desperate here. PS. I know it sounds like I'm just oversensative, and make things bigger than they are, but I'm not. I just can't... I'm just a coward. Oh, and sorry for the long read
This is tough - no question. It sounds like you're both insecure, and you've used each other as sort of "friend placeholders" - doing some of the things that actual friends do, but mainly sticking by each other because hey, better than nothing. But now you're making some other friends, and you're ready to do some stuff without her, and she isn't. And frankly, even if you WEREN'T the type to avoid conflict, there's no easy way to say "I'd like to spend some time with other friends, without you" without sounding like you're dumping her like last year's fashion while you run off with your "new friends". So I can appreciate the difficulty of your situation. You don't have too many options, especially if you're going to shy away from conflict. One thing you might try is to start calling her out when she starts emulating you too closely. If she insists she wants to join the theater group, for instance, you can simply pose a question. "Well, last year, you seemed too afraid of rejection to want to join, and these people don't seem like the sort of folks who you tend to get along with. Are you sure you really want to join, or do you just want to do so because you don't like the idea of us having separate interests?" If what you say is accurate, she'll insist that she really and truly does want to join. At which point, you can say "Well, OK. I just wanted to be sure." Because I think at that point, the point has been made. You know what's going on, and you're not blind to it. You can allow her the "escape" of saying that no, she really DOES want to do this, but the fact that you asked makes it clear that you're not truly buying it. I think if you continue doing so, you'll make it even clearer that you're aware what's going on, without directly confronting her. Will that make her stop? That's up to her, frankly. She might try to join this group, and fail. She might make the cut, and get along poorly with the other members. If that happens, just do your best not to take sides. "I'm sorry you didn't make the cut - I know you wanted to join really badly." "I'm sorry you're not getting along with the other members." Lex
First of all, expectations are a horrible thing when they're forced on you. Don't be the person everyone else wants you to be, be the person YOU want you to be. On the matter of telling her you don't really want to be her friend anymore, maybe you could say something about how high school has changed both of you and that now you don't work as friends.
Urg... I know how you feel. I'm currently trying to break off a friendship, not for the same reasons, but because she's becoming a bitchy self centred two faced girl who does nothing but talk about her make up and TV shows. Mostly, I just hang around my other friends and treat her politely, but not making an effort to be nice or respond to her crap. We're kind of just drifting away, without having a confrontation. You could try that... And if she makes an effort to stop you seeing other people just be in the middle of conversations most of the time.
First off, don't give up on your dreams too easily. You'll only regret it later if you do. Let yourself reach for those dreams no matter what everyone else wants from you. As for your big issue at hand, maybe you could try just letting her know that it upsets you when you feel like she follows you around. You don't have to cause a conflict. Just point out that last year she didn't want to join this group, and now that you did, she's all into it. Do you know of anything she likes that you don't? Maybe suggest a group she could join that you are not interested in so she meets some new people too. If she does end up joining the group, don't feel like you need to ditch your new friends to hang out with her. I'm not saying to ignore her or to intentionally not invite her to things, but don't push yourself away from new friends you actually like to be with her. Let her know that it just takes time to feel part of the group, and she can come along and make the effort to get to know them all just like you did last year. You can talk to her, but don't let helping her overshadow your new friendships.
