Figured out I'm gay at 26 and frustrated it took so long

I don't know if I'm really wanting advice, but this is more to vent and hear if there are other guys like me. Most seem to have figured this out way before...

Anyway, I'm 26, about to turn 27 and last September the light bulb finally went on and I realised I was gay. I'll make it clear that I'm not unhappy about the idea of being gay. I know I like guys and I look forward to spending my life with another guy. That's not the issue. Or at least I don't think it is.

Only recently I decided to approach a guy for the first time, tell him I like him and ask him out. He is only a few months older. Before we met however, fearing that I would be awkward and nervous on my first ever date with a guy, I decided to be totally honest and tell him I was new to meeting guys. He's cool with that, but told me that he's been with guys since he was 17. This is the part that really frustrates me. Not so much because I worry that I don't have the bedroom experience with another guy, but just this almost jealous feeling that he's had 8 years of relationships in the last 10 years, and I've had zero. I truly wish I full on knew I was gay when I was younger and could have enjoyed myself and understand my feelings for guys.

This all makes me feel really pathetic. I knew to a certain degree that I was interested in guys from 14 when I found myself always looking forward to department store flyers coming with the newspaper full of advertisements of guys in their Calvin Klein boxerbriefs. I knew I enjoyed looking at them, but I wouldn't call it gay, just that I was weird. I also made myself feel guilty about it and would occasionally try to avoid looking. Further more, my parents never talked about sexuality, and never said anything negative about gays. They also never asked me about dating either sexes. I also live in a fairly liberal area so I never thought of someone being gay as a bad thing, but just not who I was.

Despite my lack of sexual attraction for women, I still felt I wanted a girlfriend and later a wife. I found them pretty, and occasionally would check out their bodies. But it was never the imagery I'd really jerk off to. I liked talking to girls, hanging out with them and looked forward to the idea of raising kids. I figured this was enough to make me think I was straight.

I never really chased after girls, I never had the confidence to ask them out and it wasn't until I was about 22 that I asked a girl out on a date. I felt like I wanted to date more because I felt like a looser for being a dateless wonder and that I just wanted to have sex for once and get it over with. I tried dating off and on over the years until last august, not once ever getting physical with a girl, and rarely having more than a first date.

Despite this, I still didn't think, or even want to explore the idea that I was gay. I knew that there would be a girl out there for me. However I still felt interested in guys. I'd always check a guy out when he would bend over to tie his shoe and see what underwear he was wearing, I just found myself wanting to look at guys, but feeling that I wasn't allowed to. Further more when I tried porn, I found myself just focusing on the guy and finding that the girl was just getting in the way. And somehow watching a guy jerk off didn't seem gay to me, just educational as I liked learning a new method to try. Basically you can see how much I was in denial.

It wasn't until one day last august that it finally started to click in. I began hanging out with a friend who I was under the impression was straight, but casually mentioned one day that he had a boyfriend. The feeling was almost immediate, I was first wondering why I didn't know he was gay earlier, but further more, felt almost jealous. I started to realise I was jealous of gay guys because they could look at another guy and feel good about it, where I'd just make myself feel guilty. I immediately began to feel confused. I'd never touched another guy, and to be honest, I thought it was a little repulsive. But I started to realise my feelings for guys sitting at work one day when I thought, if there were a man and woman standing outside the window, both equally attractive, which one would I be a little more curious to see in their underwear. I realised it was the guy.

Pretty much within three weeks of this, I started to call myself gay. I was ok with that part, but felt so awful that it took this long to figure out. I've been lonely my entire life without having the chance to express love either physically or emotionally to another person, all because I wouldn't even let myself think about being gay. I wouldn't even try gay porn (despite curiosity) since I thought it might answer a question I didn't want the answer to. Despite claiming that I wasn't homophobic, I guess I was a little afraid that I was gay.

I feel so frustrated that most knew they were gay at a younger age and acted on it, enjoying years of loving relationships, where as I just made myself feel guilty and lonely.

I'm basically just wondering who out there is like me?

 

Hey guys, thanks for the responses, and so quickly too!

I think my two big issues preventing me from being truly happy are intense jealousy for those who have had experiences I haven't and of course regret. I'm working on it though.

But for the most part, I'm happy about figuring out I'm gay. I feel good about it and gone are the days of feeling weird and wrong. I also have more confidence. I remember the first time going onto an online dating site and feeling nervous about selecting that I'm a male looking for another male. Now this sort of thing just isn't an issue.

I know I've got most of my life still ahead of me, though I just feel down about missing out on young love. Just as Lexington says, it's prime experimenting time being in college / university ( I only finished my Masters last year ). I figured out I was gay just about 6 months after moving back home. If only I knew when I had my own place!

I also remember that I had a friend back in high school that mentioned he had a lack of interest in girls and thought he could be gay. I had weird feelings about him that in hindsight may have been attraction. I even find myself wishing I acted on a situation like this, it could have helped me figure things out.

All in all, what I wouldn't give to meet the 14 year old version of me, and tell myself to enjoy checking the guys out and have fun.

And Chip, I've actually thought about checking that book out. Thanks for reminding me.

 

Well, some stories are similar, but some a little different. With people like xequar and omgwtfbbq, I find there is the slight difference in that I didn't think I was gay in my teen years. It was more that I wouldn't even let myself wonder if I was. As I wrote, the acceptance of myself being gay came quite quickly once I let myself actually think about it. I came out to myself as well as my closest friend pretty much at the same time in a conversation, a few weeks after the first time I let myself really think about it.

But to OMGWTFBBQ, I know what you mean that you might as well be a child, I feel like I am starting out again and I'm emotionally immature. The lack of a relationship just eats me alive.

And to fulofbul, I kind of thought it was a phase too. I mean, it was a phase that turns out to be my entire life, but I know there were times when the curiosity in guys was stronger. Guys in their underwear first started making me hard when I was about 14, around the same time I started to jerk off for the first time ( however I didn't make a connection between the two ). When I was around 17 I was pretty depressed, had a very low sex drive and few thoughts about guys ( not that I was having them about girls either ). And then again, when I was 20 the sex drive and curiosity came back to what it is now. Basically the phases came and went, but only with sex drive, they weren't being replaced by straight phases. I feel the same feelings about girls now as I did before, but I now know what they mean.

I worry that this jealously will just make me hate someone that I want to like. When I think of the guy I mentioned in his first post, I really liked meeting him, but I almost despise him as his sexuality was clear to him at a younger age. I hate hearing about past relationships, and while I know he's not trying to, it feels like it's being rubbed in.

What also gets to me is the excuses I used, like that I don't really fit the stereotypes. I enjoy strong beers, talking cars and playing with power tools. When I realise that there are so many gay guys out there that fit this description, and were in relationships with other guys back in highschool, and were the kind of guy that I'd find myself checking out, it almost feels like another punch in the stomach. I realise not only were these stereotypes no excuse, but that there was probably the right guy for me a decade ago.

And Raeil, it's funny when you talk about wanting to be the other gay kid. I only really knew of one guy that I was pretty sure was gay, and he was definitely not my type. I find myself wondering, if I knew I was gay back in high school, how would I have acted on it? If a guy who doesn't see himself as typically gay, is interested in guys who don't seem stereotypically gay, how does anything get initiated? I honestly clueless.

I know these are feelings that in a while will seem so small, but this is my biggest regret in life. I just worry these feelings will totally destroy relationship potential with guys that I'm into. How did the guys that figured this thing out around my age, feel about starting to date guys? ( and the girls that started to date girls ) Did you feel insecure, or just got over it?

 

If you don't mind Redstate, I actually looked at one of your earliest posts to get an idea of where you are coming from.

I'm glad, but of course, understandably sad to know you have the same regret of not starting the journey and acceptance sooner.

It's interesting though to read so many guys experimented with other guys before admitting they were gay. I don't think I ever had an opportunity to experiment, or at least I never knew of one. The closest thing ever was getting really drunk and falling asleep on the sofa next to a friend. Even though we didn't even touch each other, I for some reason felt good to wake up next to him.

I guess if I had been a little more adventurous and more of a party guy in my younger days something would have happened. I think my late blooming in my sexuality is more to deal with my rigid and uptight personality. I seem to be oblivious to all these gay experiences that were going on in my youth with others.