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Meanwhile, in the worst moment of my life...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by itIsMe, Jun 5, 2011.

  1. itIsMe

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    Well, here we go with another quite long rant: My life in brief.

    Me: I'm gay. I accept myself internally, but I can't say it out loud. I'm in the closet, although I came out to my parents and brother few years ago (and it wasn't my intention), but nobody seems to remember that. I'm so tired of hiding it, but I can't…I don't have the courage to come out. What's more, as my life is a lie to myself, I'm depressed and with a low self-esteem (caused also by some bullying in my years of school, that remind me always to act worrying on what people will think about me). I don't follow my heart, the little I hear it, because of the fears I should overcome in order to do something.
    I feel with no drive to do anything, it's all boring and depressing. If I have a free day, I won't do anything but stay in front of the computer. However, if I have to go to the college, or I hang out with my friends, I forget about almost everything. I live a parallel life, where I'm a happy (straight) guy. I'm so used to pretend my life that my worries go away...and even when I return home and I can focus on my real me again, it takes some time to "remember" all the worries I have, and this annoys me also.
    However, in the last days, I feel like I need an "escape valve", I'm reaching my limit of "hidding-ness", and this can be seen in my alternative life…I'm being more quiet than normal, and I think you just have to look me in the eyes to see that I'm not happy at all. My parents must be about to say "what's wrong?" (and I don't have an answer :S)

    Friends: My friends aren't great friends. They are study colleagues with who I get along with, and we hang out sometimes. But I've never "connected" with anyone, as I hide my life, of course. I never talk with them about nothing related with love, relationships, feelings, and so on.
    On the other hand, this friends (who I consider the better ones I have) are getting along with my old school friends. I don't like this old friends, they are so dare to ask me about my life, and I fear that they could out me from the closet. Also, they do boring activities, and their lifestyle doesn't fit much with mine. But, hell!, now I almost can't hang out with my college friends without this old friends going with us also! (They just invited me to a dinner, and I feel so anxious… I don't want to go, but I feel bad for the good friends…I don't know what to do!).
    So…I don't find any of this friends good enough to be the first ones to know I'm gay. I thought the first one should be your best friend of all time…but I've realized that I don't have such friend.
    I also have two girl friends who I met short time ago, and they're so nice…but we still don't have enough confidence. And finally, I had a bi friend from school, we weren't "super friends", but he was bi and that brought me the courage to tell him. He took it well (obviously), but we only talked for 3 days on MSN and…silence until today. I could reconnect with him, but he's happy with his life, and won't want to hear the problems of an old colleague.

    Family: My parents and brother are the only ones who know it from years ago. My brother is also gay, and he was the first one to come out to parents. My mother had to go to the psychologist, because "she didn't get it", and I don't know what happened in there, but the "gay issue" has been always a taboo, so it wasn't a "big help" :/
    With my brother, I don't have courage to talk. I see it like "super-bizarre"…two gay male brothers talking…ugh…I can't :S
    And what to say about my parents! I just…can't.
    And as I live with my parents…if I want to…let's say…hang out with my bi (ex)friend, I'll have to tell them…and I'm not good lying this way :S

    Studies: This is not gay-related, but it affects my mood anyway. I study computer engineering. Here in Spain, the government is applying an "study plan" change (for the europeans, the "Bologna Process"), and it affects my degree in a bad way. Long story short, I'll have to study more years, and maybe it'll be worthless. So…not good news.

    This days are being the worst ones of my life…Everyone is improving in his life, and I'm not. I'm just stuck in here, in my closed closet, while others are succeeding…I feel like the best years of my life are being wasted. My life sucks.
    I yearn a life where I'm free of saying what I think, where I can express my emotions freely. A life with caring friends, and a close family. A life where…I'm happy.

    What do I do? Where to go? All the ways have obstacles…huge obstacles I feel I can't get rid of. :frowning2:
    I could write a lot more, but I think it's enough.
    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! First off: (*hug*)

    I'm glad you wrote it all out because (perhaps) now when you look at what you have written, a few answers might be right in front of you, which will help you to improve your life.

    Changing things and following 'our heart' is always hard because we have to start overcoming our fears first before we can start following our heart. Start by becoming comfortable with yourself and also stronger within yourself, first.

    You have accepted yourself internally, which is already a big step. This means that at some level you are comfortable and okay with being gay. That in itself is important. Not being able to say it out loud, yet, is okay. What might help you is to try saying it out loud to yourself first. Close your room door, and just sit down somewhere in your room where you feel the most comfortable. Then, take a deep breath and try saying out loud "I'm gay". Which language you use to say it, it doesn't matter. After that, once you have done this several times and you feel okay stand in front of a mirror and do the same.

    Once you say it out loud, and you become aware of the words that you are saying, you will realize that you have started to be honest with yourself. This is the first step in being able to be honest with others as well and having the feeling that your life is no longer a 'lie' to yourself and to anyone else.

    You already know that all of your feelings, including your feelings of being depressed and having low self-esteem, are in large part connected to your own 'struggles' in being able to be open about yourself and just be yourself. One thing in being yourself is of course stopping to pretend and having 'parallel lives'.

    Reading trough what you have written about your friendships, I would suggest that you maybe try forming some new friendships and with whom you can start anew as it were. What I mean here, is that in forming new friendships, and if you know that they would be accepting and supportive, to be open about yourself. I don't know where you live in Spain, but is there a possibility for you to join a LGBT group in your area? Maybe try looking into that. Joining a LGBT support or social group could help you in achieving that.

    Even though you have some doubts as to whether you should re-connect with your bi-friend, I would encourage you to re-connect with him. Maybe you could use this friendship as a way to motivate yourself to do things that will allow you to talk about things you did on any given day. It could also help you in increasing your self-esteem a little bit. When you do thing that you like and enjoy doing, your self-esteem will increase.

    That said, I don't think you would lose anything by trying to find and make some new friends. You know that your current friendships don't give you what you want, need and are looking for. It is possible that this adds to your overall sense of being depressed.

    Remember that all you need is one friend with whom you are able to be open about yourself, you can connect, can trust and have some laughs with.

    When it comes to your parents and your brother, I would suggest that you give it some more thought to trying to talk with your brother. Although the idea might be really hard for you to contemplate at the moment, but maybe ask yourself "what do I have to lose from talking to my brother about me, and what is going on with me at the moment?" Of course your closeness to your brother plays a role but maybe being a bit more open about you with him, might allow you to form a closer (and perhaps even better) relationship with him.

    It is possible that your brother, before coming out, had a similar experience. He might have even experienced similar feelings. You have someone in your family that probably would totally understand you from where you are coming from, and could (most likely) identify with you. That is not a bad thing to have. (*hug*)

    Having support from your brother could also help you in talking to your parents again about yourself. From what you have said, it is clear that your parents, have a hard time accepting that their sons are gay and probably will still need some time to be able to come to terms with it. More importantly at this stage however, having someone in your family with whom you can talk to, could also make it easier on you when talking about wanting to meet-up with your bi-friend. It could help you in feeling less depressed.

    In terms of your studies, if you feel that the government changes to the curriculum due to the European integration process affect your studies negatively, maybe try looking into a related degree area or another area of study, which would allow you to finish school on time.

    Hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
     
  3. itIsMe

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    Thanks for the long answer Mirko, I really appreciate it :slight_smile:
    I'm so scared of doing anything...wish I had a bit more "determination" on doing something :frowning2:
    I'll keep convincing myself...
     
  4. Filip

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    I do agree with a lot of Mirko's post. And first off, (*hug*) as well!

    I hope you wouldn't mind me adding some thoughts of my own here..

    While I think it's a nice idea to want to have a "bestest friend ever" to come out to... I don't think that in my case, I was able to have a best friend before I came out.
    I know it was different for some other people, but when I look at my best friends right now, the people that I talk to nearly every day and who know the most about me, those are all people I only got to know after I came out, or friends I only really connected with after I came out.
    It's almost as if, before I came out, I never really allowed myself to develop a real good friendship. And it wasn't my friends being inadequate, it was me insisting on keeping my distance before they would stab me in the back the minute they found out I was gay.

    So I'm thinking that maybe you're doing the same here. You might just be searching for reasons why your current friends are inadequate, because it's a convenient excuse for not going through with it. You're writing them off without giving them a chance to prove themselves.

    I think your best shot here is to try just being out. You're still thinking of coming out as this whole big dramatic moment, and that's becoming an ever bigger hurdle. But it doesn't have to be that way. Coming out doesn't have to be this big moment where you act like you're confessing a crime. One of my best comings-out was basically me just saying: "let's not beat around the bush here. I'm gay and I'm going to stop pretending I'm anything else". Some of them gave a look of apprehension and then.. that was it. It took some practice afterwards, but now I'm perfectly able to discuss my relationships hopes and fears (and to rate the guys we pass in the street the on a scale of 1-10 when prompted :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) Okay, my heart was pounding in my throat from anxiety, and it had taken some practice in front of a mirror to roll out of my mouth right, but the closet was blown open.

    Maybe try it with those female friends first? Getting this wall out of the way might actually help you in getting closer to them!




    As for talking to your brother... it isn't always easy talking to siblings about sexuality. My brother is as accepting as they come, but he's also too cautious to bring it up by himself. But when I start, he usually has some good suggestions or ideas, or is just a good listener. So maybe you should just start a conversation with your brother too. It could be he doesn't mention it because he feels you're still somewhat uncomfortable with it. Nothing too angsty, necessarily. Maybe just a question: "hey, I'm wondering about coming out to my friends. How did you decide which of your friends to come out to first?"

    And, once more, it's easy to reconnect with your bi friend too. Just a "hey, long time no talk. How have you been doing recently?" can already do wonders.

    I'm sure you're starting to see a pattern here: I think you're overthinking it. Reconnecting with friends, coming out, talking to your brother... it's not a big deal if you act casual about it.
    The trick really is to practice in a mirror until it flows out naturally, pick a time when you want to just blurt it out, and go from there. It's hard, but it's something hundreds of people do everyday, so there's no reason you can't do it too!
     
  5. itIsMe

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    Thanks, Filip :slight_smile:

    Ok, in my case, the thing with the "main" friends is more complicated, I think. It's true that they don't really know me, and that can cause certain "distance", but two of them have behaved bad with me...I don't know how to say it...it's like they see me like a shy person, and instead of trying to make me feel more comfy, they "force" me to do so. Instead of convince me to cross "the line", they drag me out (I don't know if you can understand me :/). This is one reason I don't like my group of friends.
    Also...the things that they do together, how are the friendships in this group in general, and the "group lifestyle", don't fit with me too much.
    With all of this, I mean that if I come out to them someday...I'm pretty sure they will behave as always, and yes, I'll be able to integrate better with them, but they'll be doing the same things I don't like :S
    The worst part is that the group thinks I want to be with them, and I don't know how to change that opinion "softly", because in the same group there's also good people I don't want to miss. Pretty difficult...and it despairs me :frowning2:

    For the other points you say...I just need to convince myself, I suppose...hard issue.
    Thanks again for reading me :slight_smile:
     
  6. Mirko and Filip have it dead on.

    Also, as for feeling weird about talking to your brother because both of you are gay...you realize straight brothers talk about being into girls, right? I don't know why this would be any different and your brother probably understands better than most how you are feeling right now. I think he could definitely be a help.

    AND, Filip said this -->

    Before I was comfortable saying "I'm gay" I would repeat it quietly to myself when I was alone in the house. As time went on, saying the words "I'm gay" was basically like nothing for me anymore. And that was when I "came out" I guess. Repeating it made me comfortable saying it, maybe you should try it.

    As for coming out, with some people (like friends you're not real close to), the easiest way to come out is to just act like everyone already knows. You can just not hide it, and also you don't have to be like "Everyone, I have an announcement, I'm gay".

    Hope that helps a little bit. (*hug*)
     
  7. itIsMe

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    Well..I think the relationship with my brother it's different from the "usual". If we were straight, maybe we wouldn't talk about girls also. Talking with him about my problems will improve this, I suppose, and I want to do it...soon...but I know I'll feel so awkward and weird :S

    I'll try to say "I'm gay" alone. I've tried it before, but I suppose, not enough.

    As for "just not hide it"...well...this can be a good idea, but I don't think it should be this way for the first official come out...don't you think so? So many years hiding it...and one day, without apparent problems, you just say it and the life goes on. I have the idea (wrong idea maybe), that the first coming out should be like a "big" moment...with one friend you trust, talking alone for hours, and what not... :S

    Thanks for your reply :slight_smile:
     
  8. zzzero

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    Boy, sounds like the solution to most of your problems would be to come out of the closet. You are trying so hard to hide something when no one else will care nearly that much at all. So find a good friend and tell them, you'll already be starting to feel better once you do! (I used to feel the exact same way, after coming out, all of that changed)