hi everyone this is my first post on the forum, maybe it'll be a little long, but right now i feel like i need to write down my feelings... if i can find people to discuss my situation, maybe to give me some advice i don't know who to tell so here i am ! where to begin... i am french, i'm 22 and i recently admitted that i'm gay yes, admitted, i mean it's not been a surprise to me, or a sudden revelation. no, i've always been attracted to guys and aware of it, as long as i can remember. but for years, i think i kind of repressed it. honestly, i couldn't tell if i did it on purpose, or unconsciously, maybe to protect myself, i really don't know and am not a psychoanalyst. all through middle and high school, i saw everyone having girl/boyfriends, getting serious in relationships, and so on... everyone but me. i didn't understand, cause girls have always liked me, more of them as a friend, but i've also had plenty opportunities i didn't take. i wanted to, but couldn't, i didn't feel it. in the same time i was mad at myself for being so lame with girls (on the "date side" i mean). the more foolish ? all this time, i couldn't help looking at guys, thinking how guys are more attractive and how a guy could make me feel something i wasn't able to feel while looking at a girl... not once i thought i could be gay. no, i was only attracted by guys but had to love girls. that was it. at most i could deal with it and do something about it, but later. then college, (well i attend what's called a "superior school" here, i study architecture and in France it's separated from college and campus, they're independent schools, mine hosts about 800 students) where things didn't change. new city, new friends, independence... but there again i let opportunities go away. in fact, i think didn't mind, now i realize that being single didn't bother me that much because it would have meant having a girlfriend and i didn't feel that urge to be with a girl (even if i often suffered not having my someone) but in my 3rd year i had a very bad time. i was completely lost, depressed, but i couldn't figure why, what about, what to do... it lasted about 3 months i think, but i could spend a whole week without walk the door and spent my days watching series and sleeping... it ruined my exams this year, and i decided to go to Italy to re-do this year. before leaving, during the summer, i was saying to myself, "i go to Italy, i don't know anybody, nobody knows me, why wouldn't i be gay, there ?". first step. but at the first occasion, i missed my chance, not the courage to be that person... things going on, first parties, i started to flirt with some girls, and people then assumed i'm straight... BUT one day, as i was wildly kissing a girl, i had this spark in my head : "what the hell am i doing in HER mouth !?! i wanna be with a boy" it took me 22 years to catch what had been right in front of me all the time : i like boys, this is not just a fantasy, i wanna be with one and love one a few days later, i finally made it clear in my mind and and had the force to say the most difficult sentence ever : "i am gay", I came out to myself (i like this expression, but you probably have a nicer one, i made it up from french) then follows a period of self-pride, excitation, before realizing that sometimes maybe it's easier to be straight... i began to think about it all the time (i precise that don't have any problem with being gay, i am totally ok with it and accept it fully), thinking about coming out, how to tell people, the fact that i know hardly anything about gay relationships, and so on... i can't carry it all alone, so i told a friend here. so difficult... and yet so easy. she had to ask me "what do you have to tell me ?" for me to say it. the first thing she told me then was "i don't care you being gay, the most important is : are you happy with that ?" and then we had a good conversation, i was so relieved and surprised to be able to talk about my homosexuality so openly and easily with her... but now i need to talk with with someone else. the best friend i have here, she's french but lives in SF, and i feel i want to be honest with her and tell her, and she'll know how to cheer me up ! and it's so paradoxical, i'm totally lost, but in the same time, i finally have really motivating prospectives, i imagine myself with an other guy, in a couple, i realize i can finally be happy and have what i always wanted, and i couldn't have with a girl anyway, now i begin to think about my family and my friends in France. i am the the type of guy screaming out loud that i'm gay, but i feel like i don't want to hide it from them and want to finally be myself but the one i want to tell the most is my bigger sister (27), but she went to the US 6 months ago, in Boston, and i don't even know when i'll see her for the next time... i miss her and want to tell her, not emailing her the news anyway, such a long speech to finally tell so little things lol, i look at it and see how long it is... imagine if i were american ! (i hope you'll understand everything btw) if you ever made it through the end, and if you feel like answer, go sorry if my speech is a bit fuzzy, but i'm really really not in the mood i can't get this whole thing out of my head, i know it's new for me but it's difficult, though 2 hours ago i even cried in my kitchen reading a letter a member wrote to announce to his twin brother he was gay... it was so deep and meaningful to me, it made so many things go up, and i couldn't help myself...
First of all I would like to say welcome to EC, you will definately find help, advice and people to talk to here. Secondly congratulations on coming out to yourself, believe it or not it is a really big step and one that a lot of us find very difficult. You said you managed to tell one friend so that is great and another big step in the right direction, you will find after a while the more steps in the right direction you take the easier the next one will become. It is often easy to think about all of the things you need to do, like becoming your true self, coming out to family, coming out to friend and when you look at all of these things together they look like an unachievable goal, like a mountain which is too high to climb so you should always try not to look at things like this, just look at things individually and decide which step you want to take next. You have come out to one friend successfully and you admitted that once you had told her talking about it was suprisingly easy, this is often the case because before we do it we imagine all of the awful things that we think will happen when we tell someone, but most of the time none of them come true. You will find lots of people will give you really great advice, but at least I have made a start, you are never alone. If I could give you one piece of advice it would be rather than looking at all the challenges which lie ahead just think of how far you have already come, and dont under estimate it.
I very much enjoyed reading what you just wrote. Your English is very good so dont worry about that I dont have much advice because I am still largely confused and in the closet myself. If you feel like it would not be too much of a strain, I would recommend coming out to everyone you can in Italy. You're going back in a month anyway, so it will hardly matter. And if you can come out in a Catholic country it will, perhaps, make it easier to come out to your family and friends in France. Good luck!
thank you guys for your quick answers silverhalo, i'm aware that coming out to myself was a big step, the first but not the least, it took me much time, but i'm just happy about it i'll try to visualize the things step by step, and set up goals to achieve one after an other besides, i have so many things to deal with these days (final exams, applications for a new school in Paris from fall, find a summer internship/job...) a bit overwhelmed ! thanks for the advice Corporal Sparks, i will begin with the people who do really matter for me (i consider i've made 3 real friends here). cause i know there will be no problem with these ones and they will be as supportive as i need them to be. maybe if i was strong and confident enough i could come out to all, but yet it's too new for me, and i don't want to deal with curious people i don't care that much and probably won't see again. so the next step (scheduled to... tomorrow !) is to tell 2 other friends (2 birds with one stone !) i know it will get well. i will manage to have them alone. they're both french, the first one studies in France but actually lives in San Francisco, in the gayest street of the city... the other one's bestfriend is gay and came here to visit her 3 months ago. really nice guy i was introduces to, and far from the usual gay clichés i was used to. so i don't fear their reaction, just have to find the right moment ! and next step : ...we'll see when this one will be completed ! thanks again to you
