About a year ago, I started to wonder if my brother might be gay. It wasn't because he was acting "gay" as in not attracted to girls or anything, but he was almost going out of his way to act super straight, bragging about porn, making crass jokes about girls, and basically becoming a typical sex-obsessed teen heterosexual guy. To everyone else, it seemed like nothing was amiss. But for some reason, I wondered if he was fighting his own sexuality by trying to "sex" or "porn" himself straight, as in trying to be around as much heterosexual sex as possible in an attempt to awaken his straight side. He made ALOT of homophobic jokes which felt more like an attempt to distance himself from gay than to genuinely make fun of it. I also sensed that he was pretty severely depressed (a suspicion which was confirmed by him about six months later). My family would NEVER accept homosexuality. They don't know yet that I'm bi, but I have a feeling I would be pretty much ostracized. He would be condemned and teased mercilessly. Recently he came home with pink nail polish on his nails. Mom made him take it off and seemed extremely disturbed by it. Even though he has a girlfriend now, I still wonder if he might be trying to test the waters to see if he can safely come out. I want to reach out to him and let him know that he has support and that it's ok to be gay if he is, but I'm afraid of scaring him away or of potentially being wrong and pushing him even deeper into his homophobia and hypermasculinity because "someone thought he was gay." I don't know what I should do. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Please, give any advice that you can.
Maybe you could come out to HIM? Try not saying ANYTHING about HIS sexual orientation, but by sharing your orientation, you might open the door for him to talk to you about it if he needs to without pushing him further into his closet.
Hi there! I haven't been in a similar situation, but reading through your post, I'm wondering, are you out to your brother? If you aren't, I think a good way to show him that it is okay to be himself, would be through coming out to him. If you haven't come out to him yet, how would you feel about coming out to him?
I would be fine with coming out to him if 1) I could guarantee it wouldn't get out to the others until I was ready and 2) I could figure out a way of coming out without sounding like I'm fishing for something from him. It's not exactly the type of discussion we would ever talk about together. I only learned about the depression after a classmate committed suicide and he was feeling vulnerable enough to confide to pretty much anyone. But then after that, the door was closed again. He doesn't like people to get too close, and serious conversations very quickly come to an end with him. Up until now, I've just tried to be available if and when he wanted to talk, but I'm not sure how to go beyond that. I don't know how to start "that" conversation. It was hard enough coming out to the few people I knew would be safe. GRRRR. I feel so inadequate!:bang:
Hi there! First off, don't ever feel inadequate or feel that you are not doing enough. From what you have mentioned thus far, it is already clear that you have done a lot for your brother. Being there for him after a classmate having committed suicide and letting him know that he can talk to you, and that you are available if he needs/wants to talk is already providing support, and one of the best things that anyone can offer. I'm willing to bet that it has helped him. If you decide to come out to him, in some ways it is also about you. Yes, it would be important not to start fishing for an answer from him, but rather make and keep the conversation about you. But here is the thing you should ask yourself: Am I ready to come out to him? From what you have said, it seems that you might not be ready to take that step (yet), and it is okay to wait. When you do get around to talk to him, it is important that you are comfortable with talking about your experiences and having a deeper conversation with him. I think that the more comfortable you are, and the more at ease you are with talking about yourself, the chances of him listening until the end, are higher. Maybe give it some more time. Sometimes, openings and opportunities present themselves without us having to look for them. In the meantime, you can always just reiterate that he can talk to you at anytime. (*hug*)
Now I'm feeling even more trapped. The other day, I went over to give mom a ride because of car troubles. I hugged my brother because he looked down, angry and depressed at the same time. Of course, all she saw was that he looked angry and "rebellious." He was "pouting" about having to take the nail polish off. I thought the hug was innocent enough, a way of reaching out without necessarily taking sides in front of both of them. Apparently she was pissed that I was trying to make him feel better and thought that my hug was "innapropriate" for a "lusty teenage boy." Because we're not "blood-related," I can't hug him as my brother because my boobs pushing into his shoulder or chest might arouse him. It's the biggest load of shit that I've hear in a long time, especially after so many speeches about "being as much apart of the family as the natural-born children." Yeah right! She doesn't want me trying to cheer him up. She doesn't want me showing affection to him. She doesn't want me reaching out to him if what she decides upsets him. It's almost like she wants him to be screwed up and depressed, as if making him feel isolated in those feelings will "bring him back to the fold." On top of that, I'm finding it nearly impossible to separate my concern and pain for him from the humiliation and pain of the implied and stated insults she's directed at me. I don't even want to go over there anymore. :icon_sad: Everything I do is wrong according to her, and my emotions are too whacked to know if I could actually lend any real support to him at this point.
Such as her disdain for lgbt, her refusal to consider accepting anyone in the family who identifies as lgbt, the suggestions that I'm "seducing" my brother and that, through that, I'm not really part of the family in reality--I'm still an outsider, etc.
That sucks (*hug*) How often do you see your mother? And how do the other people you live with feel about LGBT?
at least once or twice a week. One person knows and is fine with it. I don't know how the others would take it. I've been trying to reach out to my brother because I've wondered if he is gay . . . which is explained in the earlier posts. I don't think the rest would take it very well.
Hi there, You are definaly in a ackward situation there. But first advice would be to come out to him as being bi. Most of the time when someone comes out to someone else it gives the other person the strength to come out. You can also take him to a Isolated area and talk to him about it. Or maybe ask one of his friends what they tink and if they are ok with him being gay. I wish you the best of luck hope things go as planned.
Definately dont do this. From the sounds of it, I doubt hes out to any of his friends. You dont want to go around outing people. It'll just make him very angry with you.
