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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 8th Jun 2011, 12:42 AM   #1
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Default Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

How would you react to this?

I saw it on his facebook years ago when I first met him. We don't see eachother that often anymore because we don't have classes together this year, but when we talk, it's always about me. I ask, but he never tells me who his friends are or anything about what he does outside of school and I figure it's probably because most of his friends are gay or because he has a boyfriend.

Someone sugested that I tell him that I know, but I don't know if that would come across rude or weird or something. I just want him to be able to trust me and not feel like I'm a homophobe that'll insult him. I always talk about gay rights and stuff at school, so people generally know that I'm very accepting of others but I think he's still worried.
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 12:57 AM   #2
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

Honestly, if he puts it on facebook, he's probably pretty out. Or at least assumes that everyone he has on his friend list knows. Unless you have a feeling he's actually hiding the topic or getting uncomfortable when it's brought up, he might just not like talking about being gay all that much. Personally, even though I'm out to all of my friends, I don't really talk about gay stuff. Not because I fear they're homophobes, but just because there's only so much you can say about it.

And whether he's nervous or just a private person, I don't think sitting him down and explicitely saying "I know you're gay, it's OK and you can always talk to me about it" is necessarily the best solution in this case.

Maybe you should just casually bring it up? Something like "you know, I noticed that when we talk, it's always about me. What about you, though? How have you been lately? Any exciting hobbies, events or boyfriend stuff happen recently?"
It sends the message that you know, don't care, and are open to discussion. And it's his decision whether he wants to discuss or not!
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 01:09 AM   #3
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

Only problem is that he removed the 'interested in' from his facebook a while after I added him. I generally can't see much on his profle either. So I think he is trying to hide it (at least to us at school, which I can totally understand)

Yeah I agree that sitting him down and telling him is probably not such a good idea. But I think casually bringing it up would be okay. Thanks
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 02:18 AM   #4
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

I'd like to politely disagree with Filip on actually bringing up knowing that he's gay. I totally agree on asking about him and his life when you talk to him, since no conversation should always be about one of the individual's in it, but any kind of confrontation when it comes to closeted people is usually a bad idea. Using Filip's example question, just replace "boyfriend stuff" with "romance stuff," or something similar.

Also, remember that he may not actually be gay. Since his "Interested In" is gone, that could mean that it was a prank that he either didn't find quick enough, or you happened to log in just at the right time to see it.

However, it's more likely (based on your evidence) that he's hiding it somewhat. I'd still not bring it up directly. If he wants to tell you, he will definitely tell you.

(Another option, since I just now saw your Out Status, is that you could come out to him and hope that triggers him to realize just how similar you are to him in that respect. Of course, only do this if you trust him, but if you do, it's a great strategy to help other closeted individuals!)
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 02:31 AM   #5
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

If he wants to be in the closet, then maybe it's best to leave him there.
The best I think you should do would be to show support for LGBT people and maybe come out to him yourself. If you're not ready to come out to him or anyone, then maybe it's easy to understand why he wouldn't be ready to come out to you or anyone.
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 02:32 AM   #6
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

Come out to him.
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 02:46 AM   #7
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

I know he's had boyfriends before, because I still managed to see that on his facebook for a while, but seems to think no one noticed. then he blocked everyone at school from pretty much every part of his profile, which makes sense as the people at my school are very homophobic and discriminatory.

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Originally Posted by Ben View Post
If you're not ready to come out to him or anyone, then maybe it's easy to understand why he wouldn't be ready to come out to you or anyone.
Yeah I can completely understand that. I think I probably will come out to him at some stage. I'm sure he'll be fine with it and I can trust him. He mighjt even trust me more if I do.

Thanks for your advice everyone
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 08:28 AM   #8
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

If someone were to ask me if I was bi then I would be a little freaked out if I was trying to hide it (I act in a very "straight" way naturally, so I don't need or really want to); I would wonder if everyone knew, what they must be saying about me, etc. I would feel as if I had no-one to ask if this was true or not as doing so would reveal my sexuality. As Ben said, the best thing to do might well be just to show your support for him and LGBT people in general. Coming out to him would show you are comfortable with that sort of thing so he would trust you more but he might feel that if he then came out to you then you might think he was only copying you. I don't know. I'll shut up now.
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 10:41 AM   #9
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

If you were out, I'd say you'd be on some firmer ground. You could simply toss it out like it wasn't any big deal. You could talk about finding some guy attractive, for instance, and then say "Wait - I think I saw on Facebook that you're gay. Is that right, or am I confusing you with somebody else?" Doing it this way frames it in such a way that "it's no big deal". However, since you're still in closet, that would be a bit tougher to get away with.

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Old 8th Jun 2011, 11:41 AM   #10
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

You could always let him know that you saw what you saw or something clued you in to him possibly being gay and just letting him know you would support him no matter what, are totally affirming. I admittedly have done that in the past who seemed pretty obviously so who was avoiding me (friends with his mom) and just sent him a message on FB about it (since he wasn't taking my friend request...we had always been friendly) and basically told him not to take it the wrong way if possible, came out to him, and tried to give support in that way.

The point with that is that I don't think there's anything wrong with throwing that out there that if he was, it's good.

Just my take.
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Old 8th Jun 2011, 05:16 PM   #11
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Default Re: Should I tell my my friend that I know he is gay?

I'd say approach him about liking guys, not being gay unless you are fully certain he is.

I'm bi, I've blocked certain people from seeing aspects of my profile. My 'interested in' is removed as well. I don't see that being important. If people ask, I won't deny it. But, my profile? Can readily tell I'm not straight lol. LGBT films among favorites, a quote from X-Men, a quote from James Dean, and stating 'I don't believe in labels, I just believe in people.'

I'd also say it would be awkward jumping straight to asking if he's in the closet.

Last edited by IanGallagher; 8th Jun 2011 at 05:19 PM..
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