Going to have to come out, I think

Hey man,

welcome to EC.

I just wanted to say that if your confused about your sexuality, you really shouldn't rush anything. It took me years to realize I was gay, and even after I did, a few more years to realize I couldn't force myself to be straight.

As far as defining your sexuality, it's not necessary to attach a label to it. You need to figure out who your sexually attracted too and go from there. Do you watch porn? personally I think women are beautiful, but as far as arousal goes, they do nothing for me. I tried sex with a long term girlfriend and it didn't work.

If girls can give you a stiffy, and you enjoy the intimacy, then your probably not gay.

 

Hmm, that sounds liek a complex situation indeed.

Maybe one thing I'm wondering, though: do you have any experience with guys? Or is that a theoretical exercise too?

In a way, I think that this might not be as bad as it looks. Sure, maybe your romantic and physical tendencies are not entirely matching each other, but then there's also the fact that you seem to really want to make it work (and are apparently not totally revolted at the idea of sex with a woman), and that counts for something.

I think that, to see where this goes, it might be best to just be up-front with this girl. While you could spring it on her in case sex turns out wrong, I'm thinkign it might be better to just explain it to her the next time you meet. (Not to mention that if it doesn't work out at all, sprringing it on her afterwards might make her feel like she was some kind of experiment in trying to turn straight). If you really click, she'll hopefully understand that you're having some hangups, but willing to gie you a chance to work through them.

 

You could be a kinsey 5. Basically, I've heard stories of guys who have been primarily gay then found a girl, fell in love, and got happily married. Despite society, it actually does happen. Also, the reverse has been known to happen as well between an otherwise straight guy and gay guy. It could, and probably is, just performance anxiety though if you've fantasized about girls in the past. (I'm a Kinsey 2.5, bi more straight)

 

Actually it's said that porn does not determine sexuality. Given all that you've told me, I think you're a lot less "gay" than I am. Some straight guys, still unsure how this works, get wood from gay porn - they claim it's because of the taboo, I don't know. If I had to guess, you're a Kinsey 1 leaning a lot more towards straight. What about those who get hard over cartoon porn? I doubt they're sexuality involves animation.

Studies dating back to Kinsey show that a lot more guys, than have come out, have had homosexual thoughts or actions. All the guys in '300'? Also slept together. In Ancient Greece guys liking guys & girls was actually beyond normal. I know some gay guys and straight guys may hate me for saying this, I truly believe 'bi' is the natural state since it fluctuates.

When I was sixteen, I was just as madly in love with the quarterback and liked when he took his shirt off as I did the girl next door. In 'Casper,' when I was seven - I was surprised when I was attracted to Casper's human form. There have also been male teachers I fell for, just like I did my female teachers.

You've said you feel aroused when cuddling with her, that's offline which matters a lot more than what happens online. You've said you check out girls never guys, and never had feelings towards guys. I'm sure any gay guy or bi guy who is more in the middle can attest to that not being the 'regular' experience. If you were gay, chances are you would have fallen for guys whether you wanted to or not. Thus, it just seems really odd to me that you haven't... I mean I didn't ask to fall for the quarterback, I just sorta did because he was cute and hot and treated me good. I denied it all throughout, tried to explain it away - but that didn't stop those feelings from naturally being there.

Basically, if you were a gay or bi guy who goes either way - you'd be checking out guys and falling for them from an early age whether you were in denial or not, you'd know it's there more than just outside of pornographic material.

Maybe you're scared of commitment or something else is holding you back and you're searching for a reason not to be with her? And this is what you stumbled upon. You're, from the sounds of it, more bi-curious. It's also a question of performance anxiety and getting worried about not being able to perform as adequately as you'd wish.

Overall though, you sound like you lean more towards girls because:

1) You've never fallen for a guy or got close to another guy.
2) In social situations (which I'm guessing means 'out in public') girls only catch your interest.
3) This girl obviously turns you on, you've even said merely cuddling makes you aroused.
4) You seem, no offense, unsure of yourself otherwise and nervous about things going wrong with her - I think it's more a self-esteem issue overall.

Basically points 1 & 2 would have happened by now, unless you're not being completely honest or are in serious denial. Otherwise, you're as straight as the next bloke just with some gay leanings.

Btw: a dick nor vagina by itself does it for me, but a girl's smooth legs, skin, breasts, everything else? oh man!~ lol.

 

Then what do you find physically attractive about a guy that you dont about a gal?

 

This is the part that gets to me. It's basically saying, "I'm gay, but I don't find guys attractive." Which is why I'm wondering if it's denial or something else. Maybe somebody has gone through something like this before, but never heard of a bi or gay guy from personal experience saying they're into guys but don't find them appealing. You've basically eliminated every single physical aspect of a guy.

And yes, guys do worry about not being adequate especially since from the sounds of it you sound like you're still a virgin. Nothing wrong in that. But, it would bound to make some feel uneasy about whether or not they can perform as they'd like to. I know that was the case for me.

How I know I'm not straight: I've fallen for guys in the past, fantasize about them sometimes, like some gay porn, think guys are hot.

How I know I'm not gay: I've fallen for girls in the past, fantasize about girls, like lesbian porn as much as the next bloke, and think girls are hot.

 

What if a woman had a penis? Would that work for you?

 

Whys that?

 

But if the penis is attached to a guy, then surely you'll also be looking at the rest of him and get seriously turned off?

Have you thought about doing anal sex with a girl? How do you feel about that?

 

There are some bi guys who are just in it for "casual sex" with guys. They even say they're rougher with guys and it feels more primal. But, overall they lean more towards girls. Your description reminded me a lot of what they say.

This isn't the kind of bi guy I am, since I don't believe in casual sex or one night stands, if I do something I want it to matter. Plus, it extends beyond just sex.

But, point is it's a broad spectrum. Maybe for you guys is just a fetish. I hate using that word in this context, since I think there has to be a better one. But, yeah...

I really think you need to explore this further to see where you are.

I dream of a polyamorous relationship with me in the middle between a guy and girl. You could possibly be better suited with an open relationship with a girl where you are free to have random flings with guys. Dismiss all 'societal rules' and ask yourself, what would truly make you most happy regardless of taboo? Having a boyfriend, dismissing girls altogether? Having a boyfriend and girlfriend? Having a girlfriend, with random guys on the side? Etc. All are very valid options which may go against society, but looking back at ancient society? Perfectly normal.

 

Maybe the guy has to have the penis because you want more than just the physical penis? Perhaps you need to know that a 'man' is behind the penis for some reason? What could that reason be?

 

Well, looking at the pure facts here:
- You basically are totally into this girl. She captivates you emotionally, and you're physically aroused by her, except for the idea of intercourse involving female genitalia.

- At the same time, all your opinions on the matter are informed by porn, which is hardly a good representation of what real sex is like.

So I'm just going to say: go for it! If it comes to intercourse, just let her know you've never done this kind of thing before, and you have some hangups (should be no problem, since, as you say, she's fine with people not being totally 100% straight). Who knows, maybe you like her so much that she could be the exeption to your dislike of female bits. As long as you're sincere about really liking her, you're not stringing her along.
At worst you might find out that you're not sexually compatible after all, but there's only one way to find out. And nothing ventured, nothing gained!

 

It sounds like your confused.