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So there's this guy...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by interstella, Jun 8, 2011.

  1. interstella

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    Here's the backstory.
    • We met on Tumblr.
    • He lives in Seattle
    • We started talking, and he was being VERY forward...
    • Eventually, he asked me to be his boyfriend. I accepted.
    • He's planning on coming to London this summer to see me.
    • oh, and he's 34. Just thought I'd mention that.
    • so yeah, he asked me out, I accepted. Mostly because I was completely taken aback by the thought that someone would actually ask me out.
    • This was a few days ago.
    • Since then, we've been exchanging disgustingly mushy messages constantly.
    • but... I've realised that whilst I love his attention/affection, I don't actually LIKE him. And, despite what he thinks, I don't really consider this 'relationship' to be real. I mean, we have... a connection, or whatever you want to call it, but physical contact is very important to me... or at least seeing him IRL.
    • I'd love to let him down gently, but he just sent me this:
    • NGL, it creeped me out.
    • I haven't responded.
    • I don't want to keep up this façade.
    • But how do I tell him without completely destroying him?
    :help:
    I feel like such an asshole, because I've been on his end of this situation before and it hurts so goddamn much...
     
  2. Z3ni

    Z3ni Guest

    You'll have to tell him how you feel, but in a nice way.

    Btw love the avitar!
     
  3. That is super creepy, I'd say GET OUT OF THIS. It's weird enough that the age difference is so big, without adding in that he sent you the creepy message. Get out of there, there are red flags of weirdness all over this.
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! Honestly, given that he is 34 years old, I don't think you will be destroying him. From what you have said and listed, this doesn't sound like something you want to be involved in.

    A 34 year old man, traveling around the world to meet a 17 year old, with whom he has supposedly fallen in love with, is a red flag. The last message he sent is one more reason why you should stop communicating with him.

    There is no reason for you to feel bad or feeling like an asshole. Get out of this NOW!
     
  5. Micah667

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    Pedo much?
     
  6. highlights

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    hopefully he doesn't have too many details about you, I seriously suggest getting out of this.. I don't know how though. Maybe say you feel uncomfortable with the age gap or distance. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  7. Robert

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    I think that a lot of people are being very ageist on this thread.


    How long have you been talking to him for?
     
  8. Filip

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    On the bright side of things: if it took him only a couple of days to fall completely in love with you, it'll probably only take him a few days to get over you. Yes, you'll hurt him, for a bit, but I'm sure he'll be quite able to pick himself together again.
    And you're not an asshole for telling him the truth. You do not owe people a relationship just because they insist on having one. The only way yu'd be an asshole is if you kept knowingly stringing him along.

    I once was on your end of a similar situation. Though there wasn't the big age gap and the guy never asked me to be his boyfriend (at some point, he started assuming I was , I guess), he just ended up fixating on me.
    And somehow, even my noncommital answers were taken as declarations of love. It was only when he was planning who to invite at the wedding that I realised just how badly I needed to bolt for the exit.

    I won't lie, at first I liked the idea of someone falling in love with me, and I believed that if I let him down gently enough, I could end the thing elegantly. But people who think they're in love see only what they want to see, and subtlety gets swept under the rug. And the longer you let something fester, the uglier the cure needs to be. So I had to eventually tell him in decisive terms that this had gone way too far, and I really didn't see any relationship or a future there.

    In the end, it was messy. He claimed I strung him along (which I can't really deny, even though it wasn't my intent to), and that he would never love again. Not the most pleasant conversation I ever had. But whaddayaknow: afterwards, he did move on just fine. Turns out his total destruction only lasted for a bit before he got back to life as usual. I hope he learned something from it. I sure know I did.



    So I suggest you do the same. I'm not going to say this guy's a pedo, and I'm actually doubting whether he'd really fly over (people in love say the damdest things). He's probably just a lonely guy, who clicked with you and started grasping at straws to make it more than it could ever be. You liked the attention, he liked the attention, and things just went overboard from there. (that said, you might want to take stock of just what personal information you gave him and how you can block him from that).

    But you do need to end this. there's no soft way of doing it (anything less than: "we can't continue this" will be taken as "but I think we can still work it out"). So just send him a message that you think he's not a bad guy, but that you really don't feel the same way he seems to feel, and that as such you can't really see him as a boyfriend or anyone you can have a future with.
    Harsh, but it's the most honest way for you and him.

    If he starts to plead, then don't waver from the message. He needs to get it thoroughly.
    If he does become abusive or starts issuing threats, do be prepared to block him from all communication (mail, facebook, phone, everything).

    Once more, you're not the asshole here, as no one is an asshole for being honest. You can do it!
     
  9. Hexagon

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    What most people have said, really. Its not the age difference that its so concerning though - its the fact that he's decided he wants to meet you so soon. But even if he is legit, relationships that have such a big age difference are almost always in the control of the older guy or girl, and its not health (IMO). So worry about you, and not about breaking his heart.
     
  10. interstella

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    Thanks for your advice, everyone. I'm just about to send him this:
    What do you guys think?
     
  11. I'd say that's perfect. No more, no less.
     
  12. Filip

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    Hmm, depends on the contents of the private irrelevant stuff. I mean, you don't need to tell us exactly, but an excess of smalltalk (or worse, sweet words), might give him the impression he'd still be able to convince you. So keep it short and to the point.

    Also, I would phrase the second part differently. You start off by listing mainly practical objections, while your real objections are way beyond that. You really don't want him to say that if distance is an issue, he'd come over even sooner.
    And if you're tring to be resolute, I'm not sure if you want to end with excuses.

    Maybe change the order and the wording around like this?

    That's just how I would write it, though. You know the guy better, so it's up to you what to send.
     
  13. interstella

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    ok, I just sent it. I modified it slightly using your suggestions.
    oh god I'm so nervous. I feel like such a horrible person...
     
  14. Filip

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    You did the right thing, really. The truth might hurt, but leading him on would be the real horrible thing to do.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed he'll react as well as possible.
     
  15. zerogravity

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    what a weirdo - sorry but he was just being plain silly. "Dating" someone a million miles away over the internet is just strange to me.
     
  16. Mirko

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    Hi there! There is no reason for you to feel like a horrible person. I absolutely agree with Filip. You did the right thing.
     
  17. baseballkid224

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    dude i don't mean to be harsh, but this is basically what every adult/teacher has been telling our generation not to do for YEARS now. the internet is fucking dangerous. get out of this relationship asap. I really hope you haven't told him anything too personal. good luck
     
  18. Robert

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    You should read the thread before you comment.


    Just sayin'.