Well, I came across this site several times in the last few months but never took the initiative to leave a message. I am really hoping to get some support because the last 6 months have been hell. I told my wife of almost 10 years that I think I'm gay. Honestly, I did not nor remember thinking when I got married that I was covering up anything or lying about who I was. I remember being attracted to her, loving her, and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. We have two beautiful daughters who are unaware of my troubles, they are still very young so they dont know. About four months ago I have moved downstairs but still have a semi-close relationship with my wife. The hard part is I have a hard time admitting I'm gay because I don't feel 100% that way, however that is supposed to feel, you tell me. Last week, she told me I ruined her life and understandably so, I hate myself for what I put her through but can't bury those other desires. I want to make her happy but I can't give her every part of me, I know this. But now, she is really being nice to me this week and wants to stay close. I am just so depressed and wish I had the courage to get thru this but every day I find myself crying out of no where. I went to a shrink for a couple months but I felt he was convincing me I was gay yet I don't feel completely that way. I don't really know what I hope to get out of this other than maybe to talk with others in somewhat similar situations. ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2011 at 06:04 PM ---------- Realized I should have moved to other thread.
Cheer up, friend. I am not trying to give you detailed advice, but others have been in the same boat, too. I would say go for more help and take your wife. I appreciate that you are in a tough spot, as I have struggled with the issue for years. Best wishes.
Hi, Bobby. First, welcome to EC. It's extremely tough to open up to your true self when you're in a committed relationship with children, but you are not even remotely alone, and you will get to a place where you can again feel happy, healthy, and supported and loved. You're to be congratulated for telling your wife. That alone is one of the hardest things most men in your situation must go through, and you've already taken care of that part. Her reaction is also understandable. But here is an interesting piece you probably are not aware of: When they search deep down, most women married to homosexual men realize, once they've gotten past their denial and anger, that they did, deep down, have an inkling or awareness that their spouse might be gay, long before they were told. Eventually, most women realize this, and when they do, they realize that the fault (to the extent there's any fault at all) for the situation lies not just with their husband, but with them as well. I highly recommend getting a copy of Dr. Joe Kort's excellent (but very poorly named) book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to find Real Love." It is currently out of print, but Amazon has large-print editions available, and used copies are often available from Bookfinder.com. In addition to helping you to better understand yourself, this book has several chapters dealing with men in your exact situation, and describing the dynamics of the situation, what is likely to come up for both of you, and how to handle it. I wouldn't worry about blaming yourself for whether you did or did not realize you were gay when you got married; it's water under the bridge. For what it's worth, there are quite a few men that manage to go through life blissfully unaware they were gay until their 20s or 30s or sometimes even later, so you're not alone in that regard either. It is also worth knowing that, for both of you, there are stages in the process of understading and accepting loss (in your case, the loss of your identity as a straight person, in hers, the loss of you as her husband.) These stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. "You've ruined my life" is the anger stage; "But we can still stay together even if you're gay" is bargaining. It's not uncommon for people to go back and forth between these stages as they process the loss, but ultimately, your wife will come to accept it. We have a number of members at EC who have been in your situation, and I'm sure that if you stick around, you'll find others who can share their experiences and give you advice and support for yours. In any case, I'm glad that you've joined and posted, and I hope you'll stick around. PS: I've moved your thread into the "support and advice" section.
Hi Bobby. I got your PM but thought I'd respond here for the benefit of others who are 'lurking' here on EC but in a similar situation as you (and me). I can see how you could relate to my story, because it does sound VERY much like yours. I didn't consciously deny that I was gay before getting married. It really hadn't occurred to me. As Chip said - many men manage to get into their 30s before realizing this about themselves. I also have 2 daughters who were quite young when I shared this with my wife. I also got professional help - and I strongly encourage you and your wife to continue with counselling. Regardless of how this ultimately plays out between the two of you, you will continue to be parents to your daughters, and your relationship needs to be kept healthy and strong for their benefit as well as yours. My wife and I saw the same counsellor - together and individually - to help us work through and process the situation as it unfolded. Remember that you're both going to be a different stages and at different levels of acceptance of the situation all the time! Some times she'll be ahead of you, and other times you'll be ahead of her. Be patient and understanding, and communicate clearly and often. The counsellor and joint sessions can really help with this. I felt a lot of guilt too about the effect I was having on the life of my wife and kids. However, I came to understand that despite all of the things I had done - or failed to do - I couldn't go back and change any of them. All I could do was make the best of the situation TODAY and be the best friend and partner to my wife and the best dad to my kids as I could be TODAY. I also had to stop myself from agonizing over the future - because there was little I could do to control that either. In the end, my wife and I both are in a better place than we were in before I came out. Before I came out I was miserable, and she was frustrated with my moods. We weren't really happy - even though on the surface we should have been. It was over 4 years ago that we separated, and she remarried last summer and I'm getting married to a wonderful guy this summer. Our kids have adjusted remarkably well to all of this. They now have a step brother and sister (my partner's kids - as he's been through a similar process) who they really get along with and enjoy being with. It's comforting for them to have 'company' in this situation - other kids who have a gay dad. I'll leave it at that for now. You certainly aren't alone. All the best!
Im gonna mention something that hasnt been talked about much. Bisexuality, you said you dont feel all that gay and you may not be, you could just be getting to a stage in your life where you feel attracted and turned on by guys more so than women. Its not a horrible thing and I commend you for being up front and honest with your wife, that sort of thing takes a lot of courage. But dont feel like all hope is lost, once you find out your true feelings and where you stand on the sexuality spectrum you will have a better chance of moving on in the marraige or outside of it. Good luck to you and we are always here for you!
Exactly. It sounds like bisexuality more than being gay. Google sites and forums on bisexuality, I can say that the one with a nearly shirtless guy on the top has a LOT of married bi guys on it and a thread dedicated specifically for married bisexual guys. I think you might find a lot of good company there in how to work through things. A lot have come out to their wives and continued, from the sounds of it, a very happy and fulfilling marriage - so they're bound to have some pointers along the way.
