Intro

Hello, everyone. What a week I've had. I've been dancing around the issue for some time, but I just recently came to a point of accepting the fact that, in addition to my lovely wife, I am also attracted to men.

I told her about it and she was totally understanding and supportive. So that's good. But not surprising. We've been married for 15 years and she's great. I am a lucky man.

I had my first therapy session today, where I spoke about these feelings to someone other than her. A total stranger. Even though it was a confidential situation, it was still quite overwhelming and, five hours later, I'm still shaking a bit.

So I'll definitely post more as I process all this; that's why I came here. But that's about all I can get out right now. Thanks for creating this place. I look forward to participating here.

CKDH

---------- Post added 9th Jun 2011 at 07:22 PM ----------

Sorry, I just realized there was an Intro forum. Could a mod please move this? Thanks. Told you I was still a bit shaky....

 

Thanks, everyone. I guess the thread can stay here, because I could use support, too. ;-)

You guys are lucky to be where you're at so young. I'm 41 and just coming to terms with this stuff.

The other thing I'm trying to come to terms with is having a, for lack of a better way of putting it, a "feminine side." While I was raised to think in black and white terms about sexuality and gender roles, I guess the reality is that they can be rather fluid; I've known that in my head for a long time: I was just never able to apply it to myself. While I'm totally happy being a man, there are also things that girls do, ways they act, etc, that have also come natural to me, but I've had to suppress because, well, they go against how I was raised religiously and what the societal norms are.

I guess the best way of putting it is to use the old example of gay boys wanting to play with dolls instead of playing sports. Well, it's not that I didn't want to play sports. I love sports. It's just that I wanted to play sports *and* play with dolls.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm not sure it makes sense to me yet, but that's the best I can describe it.

Thanks again.

 

Thanks, everyone. Random thoughts: though I'm only out to myself, my wife, my therapist and one long-distance friend, just being out to myself has been a life-changer. Part of the reason it's so huge is that I think the suppression of it all has been the source of the anxiety that I've recently had to start taking meds for again.

Freedom, even just within your own skin, is quite something. And the physical is connected to the mental. I tried it when I was in my first therapy session, and then when I got home, I sat down on the couch and sat how I wanted, now how I thought I should sit (I mentioned that feminine side...). And all of a sudden, a deep cleansing sigh came out.

And yet, I feel self-conscious about writing that, even here. Ah, well. I did just start this process....

Still, as elated as I feel, at the same time I am also...scared shitless. I can't quite explain that, but I am. Then again, when you had something drummed into your head throughout your childhood, I guess it doesn't go away in a week.

 

Thanks, mnguy!

So, by coincidence, a very good friend of mine came to hang out last night. We've known each other for 25 years and still get together every so often.

I've come out to a long distance friend, my wife and my therapist. I decided I needed to come out to a friend face-to-face and decided on him. It was a fairly safe decision, because he was never a judgmental type. Still, I thought it might surprise him. It did a bit, but he was great and just listened to everything. I even told him about the crush I had on him!

He just told me he was my friend and is here for me. And that he would keep my secret.

I feel very lucky to have the people I have around me in my life. It's making all this so much easier. I'm very much in need right now, but I feel that at some point, I'm going to want to do what I can to help others who aren't as lucky as me.

 

Thanks, Chip. Each time I've told someone, there's nervousness, but then once I tell them, there's this huge wave of relief. A bit more of the weight lifts from my shoulders. A bit more of my psyche becomes more unbound, so to speak.

And thanks, too, for the book reference....

 

Thanks very much, Ian....

 

Thanks, Mirko!

I hope no one minds me using this thread to just dump my random thoughts in this thread....

I was saying something in another thread that I've been thinking about all day. I'm 41, happily married and otherwise a fairly well adjusted guy; I have all the experiences and "wisdom" that you might expect as a result (and by wisdom I just mean that I've had the time to make a lot of mistakes and hopefully learn from them). At the same time, however, because of what I've just realized about myself, there's a part of me that is not more than, say, 15 or 16 years old. I say this because I've been reading posts from teenagers on this site and thinking, "hey, I know exactly how that feels because I'm feeling it right now."

It's a very odd feeling. Not like I'm two different people, but sort of like that. More, I guess, like a guy who went to the gym for years and only worked out his left leg. He's got one nice quad and one nice calf, but the right leg is flabby and atrophied.

I don't know, it's just very weird. Good, though, because I'm now starting to work out the other leg.

The other thing is that I'm starting to get how it's not really about sex. I mean, it is (obviously), but I had no idea how much that would affect the whole rest of me.

I'm afraid this is sounding too dramatic. Well, it is dramatic.

I had an interesting experience today. I'm driving down the street and there's an attractive girl. I thought what I usually think, something to the effect of, "there's an attractive girl." And then, walking about fifty feet behind her is an equally attractive guy and I thought (rather, allowed myself to think) the same thing about him. That had never happened before. As a result I kind of halted internally, then thought how great it was to be able to do that.

I don't know if a word of that is going to make sense. I'm still struggling to process it all.

Thanks again for being here. You people are great.