hey everyone It's my first time posting here, so i'm going to start off my introducing myself. My name is David. I'm a gay, 18 year old guy from northern california, desperate for some advice. currently Im a senior in high school, and I am thinking of coming out right after graduation so that I can head off to college with a clean slate. If you asked me when I was going to come out a year or two ago, i would've said probably never, because I was so ashamed. But I've really come to terms with my sexuality, and will probably slowly come out to everyone within the next few months, starting with my family / close friends. nobody in my town is homophobic at all; i live in a pretty liberal area, so I know that coming out will not really be a problem. besides a few douchebag jocky guys in my grade who enjoy being dicks to everyone, of course. anyways, this past year, i think i've developed social anxiety. I've probably had it my whole life, but its become much more intense recently. I think it's from always wondering what people think of me all the time, and self observing to make sure I dont sound too "gay" or anything. BUt now, i think its just become an unconscious habit of mine to be insecure with myself, because anytime I get into a conversation with someone, my mind begins to race and I think to myself "what if i screw something up?", or "What if i say something stupid and they dont like me anymore?". I'm fairly certain its from constantly worrying about being judged for being gay. does anyone else feel this way? and if so, do you think that when i come out, and become more confident with myself, that this will go away? I really hope so, because I"m kind of tortured with this. I also have developed an eating disorder over the past few months; I feel that in the gay community, there's a lot of emphasis on looks. Muscles and looks are a huge part of being gay it seems, so I've made sure that before I come out i lost a ton of weight. Even this one gay teacher I have is super muscular and really good looking, I feel like I have to live up to this standard of gays. does anyone else feel this way?? thanks so much
First off, hi and welcome to EC! I hope you enjoy it here whether you stay for a long time or are only here for a short while! Major anxiety is a HUGE thing that can happen from stressing out over being judged for being gay (or being stressed out over coming out, and a whole host of other things). It sucks and can lead to some not good stuff. As you said, you've developed an eating disorder from it. So, I'll try to tackle some of your questions and give a bit of advice along the way. Hopefully I'll be of some help! (*hug*) "Does anyone else feel this way?" and "when I come out ... will this go away?" I don't feel that way anymore, but before I started coming out (or at least before I started getting comfortable with the idea of coming out) I was a nervous wreck. When I thought my roommate knew I was gay (and I was SOOOO not ready to come out), I freaked. My heart rate sped up, I started shaking, and I could barely breathe. This went on for four hours, and I tried to sleep it off, but couldn't even come close to falling asleep. Once I went outside and talked to myself about it (apparently it's my personal therapy. Not as effective, but it works without a schedule), I was able to stop being a wreck and just be nervous. It still took me a month to be completely ready to come out to anyone, but by the time I was, I had also lost my nerves (until right before I came out, but that's understandable). The same will likely happen to you. Right now, you're stressing due to having a very strong double life. You have your front appearance that the world sees, which is denying being gay at all, and you have your internal appearance, which is the front appearance, but gay. Doublethink and doublelife (to use '1984' terminology) are extremely stressful, and can cause all sorts of problems. By resolving the dispute between your outer and inner appearances (by coming out), a lot of your stress will go away on its own. That's one of the reasons coming out is described, by pretty much everyone who has a YouTube coming out story, as "a weight was lifted off of my shoulders." So don't stress more about this. Know that it is normal, and that coming out will fix a lot of it. "Does anyone else feel this way?" part 2! Personally, I don't feel any expectation to live up to any gay "standard." This is mostly because I'm not just gay, I'm an individual who has his own life, likes, dislikes, standards, etc. You're feeling a lot of pressure from a stereotype which you now believe you have to apply to yourself. Well, guess what, you don't have to! Life is so much more than simply how you look, and I'm sorry that you've felt you had to look a certain way before you come out. It's not how you look, it's who you are, and you're a beautiful person no matter what! You did mention you have developed an eating disorder, though, which is not a good behavior to have. I haven't personally dealt with an eating disorder, but I know that some on this forum have. Every time someone has said they have one, the response is the same: "Seek professional help." Talk to a counselor or nurse at your school, make sure that you don't let this disorder rule your life. So, the long post is over now! Good luck in all that you do, and good health to you! Feel free to post on my wall if you'd like specific advice on something else (or just want to talk), and feel free to post here if you need more help or advice on the topics you've brought up! (*hug*)
Hi, David. First, welcome to EC. It's great that you've had the courage to speak up about what's going on for you and seek out input and assistance. You've come to the right place. Social anxiety is really common for people who are in the process of coming out. I've sometimes described coming out as being sort of like standing in front of everyone you know totally naked, because in a way, you're making yourself completely vulnerable and letting yourself be open to whatever people may say, positive or negative, and that's never easy. So if you think about it in that way, right now you're hyper concerned about how you come across, whether you can successfully "pass" as straight, and all of that. Once you are able to come out and are comfortable with yourself, those concerns should mostly go away. The eating disorder is likely tied to the social anxiety which, in turn, is also tied to self esteem issues. You're absolutely right that there's a ridiculous emphasis on looks and appearance among much of the gay community... but it's also important to know that there's a large (and less visible) part of the community that is far less shallow, and far more interested in who you really are aside from appearances. I have among my friends people who are what society would consider attractive or very attractive, and others who would probably not be thought of in that category. But all are happy and pretty well adjusted, and have had (or are in) healthy relationships. I will say that the people who are most concerned about appearances tend to be the ones who are the least healthy emotionally, and therefore, in many ways, the ones you least would want to have as a friend you genuinely care about. The bottom line is, while appearances and so forth are factors that are there, they shouldn't control your life. And once you are comfortable with who you are as a gay man, I think you'll find that you become more comfortable with many of the other aspects of your life. With regard to the eating disorder, that's potentially concerning. How is it manifesting? (i.e, what exactly are you doing that's unhealthy?) How is it affecting your life? If you can share more about it, perhaps we can give you some more specific suggestions to work through it.
