1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

In Desperate Need of advice...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Madcap86, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. Madcap86

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    So...I'm new here. Can't really believe I've signed up for this site...but I need help, and this seems like a good place to get it.

    Basically, I've recently started having serious questions about my sexuality. I've always thought of myself as heterosexual. I've been attracted to guys, or at least admired their looks. Whenever I admired female bodies, I always felt like it was more in comparison to my own rather than wanting to be with her.

    I'm 24 years old, and have never been in a relationship. I've been on one or two dates with a handful of guys, but nothing that ever stuck. The couple of times that I felt it could develop into something, I always got cold feet and pushed away from the guy before anything could happen. I'm not very comfortable with kissing or making out--one guy surprised me with an open-mouth kiss and I pulled back, a bit freaked. While I'm comfortable cuddling with a guy, whenever it starts to progress, I get uncomfortable.

    However, recently I visited an online friend, a girl I've been getting very close over the past few years. Our relationship has always been platonic, though we joked about trying out being lesbians because it seems no guys will have us. When I met her in person (I stayed with her for a week) I was more comfortable with her than I've been with anyone in a long time. I was comfortable with the casual touch sitting next to each other (whereas normally I need my space) and we had an incredibly comfortable bond. We are extremely compatible, and she's become my best friend over the years. I will be moving in with her and her family in a few months when I move to her state (I'm moving across the country for grad school).

    My problem is that I have no idea if my feelings for her are simply strong friendship, or something more. I haven't had many close friends in my life. I did attend an all-girl college, and formed close friendships with a few girls there, but most of those relationships haven't carried over past graduation. I have never experimented sexually, or kissed a girl. When I try to put myself into that headspace, I find that I'm not completely opposed to the idea.

    However, I don't have a great deal of desire to be physical with another person of either sex. What I desire more is companionship. When I fantasize, it's more about certain scenarios than the act itself, and really the players of the fantasy are not hard and fast male or female (no pun intended there).

    So basically....I'm just confused. I have no idea if I'm asexual, bisexual, or a heterosexual who's just lonely and confusing simple friendship for something else. I don't know if my hesitation with guys is due to my lack of experience or a genuine lack of physical attraction.

    To add to the issue, I was raised in a fundamental Christian household in the South. While I do not believe what most Christians preach about homosexuals, I am also not 100% sure about the religious implications. It's hard to undo 20 years of religious teachings. If it turns out that I am having homosexual feelings, I know that my family would not be supportive. They wouldn't turn their backs on me, but I'd have to live with trying to be "saved" from myself for the rest of my life.

    I know this is a long and rambling post. But like I said, I need help figuring this out. Any advice at all would be most welcome.
     
  2. Raeil

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    365
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Missouri
    Hi! Welcome to EC!

    I'm afraid I'm not going to be a huge help when it comes to determining your sexuality or the extent of what you're feeling at this exact moment, but I might be able to help with your additional issue.

    I completely understand the problem of having 20(well, almost 20) years of religious ideas to wade through as you're coming to an understanding of yourself. Actually, it might be that those years are what's causing some of the issue of not really knowing your sexuality. You'll be able to press through them with time, though, I'm sure of it.

    The truth about your family's support, though, is not something fun to face. I'm happy that they'll still support you financially, but if they aren't supportive of your sexuality that can be a tough issue. I suggest that when you come out to your family (if it turns out that your sexuality tends towards girls) you have a copy of "For The Bible Tells Me So" (a documentary on how homosexuality really isn't a big deal in today's Christian reading of the Scripture) or a copy of the PFLAG pamphlet "Faith in Our Families" ready to give to them. It might be enough to make them change their (incorrect) view that the Bible condemns homosexuality as a sin. Even if it's not, it will cause them to question, which will lead them there eventually.

    That's pretty much all I can say for your specific situation. I do advise checking out the PFLAG website at pflag.org for some general support, though. Good luck and good health!
     
  3. Madcap86

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Raeil. I'll be sure to check out those documents.
     
  4. Fizzle

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    All but family
    My response may not be totally satisfactory but the first thing that pops to mind is: don't worry about a label. There isn't a time limit on figuring out who you are and there's never a permanent stamp. Your best guide is your gut feeling and see where that leads.

    As for the ambiguity of friendship or something more, let it play out. Spending time together, hanging out, is the best indicator of what you're feeling. Don't over think it. Good luck!
     
  5. silas99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2008
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    In my own world....Wales!
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Madcap

    Welcome to EC, I'm Nic. Your story made me think about many things that went through my head a couple years ago. One thing I believe, which has already been alluded to, is that labels never help. Don't think of yourself as gay or bi or straight or asexual because in my view nothing of that really matters. What matters is coming to terms with how you feel about yourself. Evidently your desire for companionship doesnt necessarily stretch to anything sexual, and that really doesnt matter. I think that many people start relationships for that special close bond with one person and don't plan how much sex they will be getting.

    From reading your post I get the impression that your head is full of confusing questions with no answers. Well 5 or so years ago my head was in that place, so in some respect I know how you feel. I was brought up in a Catholic family and I just always assumed I was straight. Like you I liked the looks of some boys/men and I had a boyfriend in late high school. He was an awesome guy, but everytime we were together I didnt feel anything but friendship towards him. Although he always wanted more I only ever kissed him. It just didnt feel right. I also use to look at woman and like the look of them, but like you, I thought it was just admiration. It wasnt until Uni that I started to realise that my like of women was much more than admiration. I was so confused and being Christian I just didnt feel there was a place for "gay" in my religion. It takes some time but eventually you begin to realise that in reality you dont have to please a religion or a priest, you just have to keep in touch with God. In my belief you arent going to get struck down to hell because you love someone, be that a man or a woman.

    I think you should have a good time with your friend when you go and see her. See if indeed you have a spark. Dont think too much about if you like women or if you are gay, just think about if you like her.

    Sorry I rambled a while, not sure how much advice I've given. Maybe just to feel that you aren't the only one helps.

    Good luck mate. Message me if you like.:thumbsup:
    Nicxx
     
  6. Madcap86

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, Nic, I tried to PM you, and apparently I couldn't. So I'll just put my response here. *shrug*.

    Nic,

    Thanks so much for your comment. I hate that I came across as sounding so into labels--which, as a rule--I really hate, in terms of people. But at the same time, it feels like some crucial thing I need to know about myself. I guess there's part of me that fears I'll move in with my friend, and we'll be happy together (though maybe not necessarily sexual) and we'll be content to stay together. But then I'll have my family wanting to know when I'm going to find a good man and settle down or whatever. Or that they'll all be assuming I'm gay, even if I don't consider that to be the case. I feel like I need to know what to tell them, the next time they go off on a sympathetic "oh don't worry the right guy will come along" kick.

    I come from an old, Southern family. My sister and I were the first ones to go to college. While my family doesn't look down on my academic achievements, there's always this unspoken sentimate that I won't really be a grown-up or have really achieved anything until I'm married and have kids. At some point, I'm either going to just tell them that it's not going to happen. I know that point won't be for awhile yet...but I'm a planner. I think ahead to these sorts of things.

    I guess it's a case where I just want to know "what I am". I want to know which box I fit into, and if I'd relate better to a group of people that maybe I hadn't considered before. I'm also going to be moving to a much more "gay-friendly" area in the next few months. I don't know, maybe that will help me sort things out.

    The religion thing does hold me back. It's like, every time I try to start questioning it, this voice in my head starts going "But you know that God doesn't like homosexuality." Even with my rational arguments, and my beliefs that I don't think God would condemn people on such a thing, that voice in my head never stops. Another reason that I'd like to know if I'm gay or not--so that I could address the issue with my pastor, and seek some religious solace.

    Sorry for rambling. But your post really did help. And I love the quote on the bottom of it. :grin: Are you anywhere near Cardiff? I'm a major Doctor Who/Torchwood nut, so of course the only thing I really know about Wales is Cardiff's use in filming and whatnot.

    --Jo