What am I?

I'm not sure if I'll use this forum beyond making this inquiry but your input would be appreciated. Ok, here goes...

I know labels shouldn't matter, but I'm curious what others would label me. I might as well start from the beginning I guess, so bear with me, this is going to be a bit long.

So when I was like 12 I had my first physical and when the doctor touched my penis I got an erection. This really freaked me out as it made we wonder if I was gay and because I'm Christian I've been told that homosexuality is wrong and whatnot. Well I went home and looked up pictures of dicks to see if I really was homosexual and thankfully it did nothing for me, I remained un-aroused...unlike when I looked at naked women (though being in a sheltered home I was just barely discovering Playboy and porn at this point) and got raging hard-ons. So I find women very sexy and have become more and more attracted to them as I've got older (have a really intense desire to eat pussy now for instance) but still, there further experiences over the years that have made me doubt my sexuality at times and I know the brain is a very powerful thing so I’ve wondered if perhaps I've brainwashed myself into being attracted to women just so I'm not an "outcast". Not really anything that major, but I’ve experimented with anal stimulation (though I’m aware that more straight guys like it then willing to admit) and I've felt like kissing my best friend at times and such. Now perhaps this is just cause I have never kissed or anything and there is a curiosity there though. You see I’ve never been with a woman so as much as I’d like to I can’t definitively say I’m straight. That’s right, I’m a virgin…a 23 year old virgin male. Pathetic, right?

Well, this brings us up to the past year or so and in particular yesterday. So my best friend and I have become pretty close over the past year…we talk about girls and sex all the time, have shared intimate secrets, and even watched porn together (typically lesbian, because the presence of a dick in boy/girl porn tends to be a bit of a turn off for me) while jerking off in the same room. Well yesterday we took it a step further…quite a few steps further actually. We took a shower together, jerked each other off, manually stimulated each other’s prostate (he was completely new to this) and even tried sucking each other a bit in 69 position to see what a bj felt like. See here’s the thing, as a virgin I was curious for instance what it felt like to have another person stroke my cock or play with my ass.

He was curious about these things as well though he can’t exactly use the ‘virgin excuse” now as he just revealed to me that he lost it a few months ago and has been having sex with this woman he lost his virginity to three or four times since. He said he didn’t tell me sooner cause he was worried about hurting my feelings and that I wouldn’t want to “experiment” with him anymore if I found out. So what’s the deal? Are we bi? Note that despite admiring guy’s muscles and those occasional thoughts about kissing I don’t think I could ever bring myself to actually kiss a guy on the lips and until recently I’ve wanted nothing to do with another man’s cock. I used to find guys walking around completely nude in the locker rooms and such pretty repulsive. Oh, and I have no desire to pursue a relationship with a guy. My heart belongs to a woman. I actually plan to remain a virgin until marriage but I’m not opposed to “fooling around” (ie anything but intercourse) with girls…and maybe guys too. It wasn't like as entirely disgusting as I thought it'd be, but I'm not going to convert to boys, don't get me wrong, lol...I am still dying to be with a woman and what we did perhaps intensifies that desire a bit even, to experience the same sort of things with a more gentle and loving touch or whatever, you know? My friend was a bit rough, lol…too much teeth and too pokey around my ass.

Anyways, just looking for some answers. Thanks in advance and sorry if it seems like I rambled, haha, I’m an engineering student who over-analyzes everything and I have a hard time putting thoughts into words that are clear enough for others to understand.

If need be feel free to ask me more about my sexual thoughts and doings to better help answer my questions. Thanks again.

 

BTW, I just want to clarify something as I may have come off wrong in the opening post. Some have called me a homophobe because I think being gay is "wrong" and I have said things before like "if I was gay I would probably kill myself" but that's just me and my personal struggle with my beliefs and such. I also say everyone has the right to do what they want, so hey what you do behind closed doors is your business and obviously I'd be a bit of a hypocrite now to still say I don't approve of such behavior...

 

Nobody willing to help? My story too long or something...? Some responses would truly be appreciated. I suppose I could post where everybody can see, but I kinda want to keep this as secret as possible and thought doing so here would assure the quickest response. I dunno, I'm just really confused right now...

 

Hmm, well I just took two different online tests which say I'm a 1 on the Kinsey scale.

I'd always thought of myself as ranging from a 0 to a 1...but I thought with recent developments I may have crossed over into 2 or even higher territory. But here's the thing, I don't think I could have done what I did with just any guy but at the same time I don't really feel a romantic attraction to my friend. Here's a small snippet of a skype conversation (with names removed for privacy purposes) we had before actually doing stuff together...

And then afterwards there's this bit of discussion that I think is relevant

Eleanor (thanks for the response btw) that should help clear up my thoughts on kissing guys and what I mean by it perhaps just being a curiosity thing; a general curiosity about kissing and not a curiosity about kissing men necessarily. Also, you asked about cuddling...yeah, no way. I had some perverse thoughts about dancing Tango with him while we were nude and/or touching our dicks together, but I think just the idea of how taboo and dirty that would be is what made the it seem erotic. Also, I'm trying to get him to learn to dance but he doesn't have the same luxury as me of taking a University dance class and practicing with girls as he learn...so I thought I'd be his dance partner while he's learning and at the same time I'd get the benefits that come from a guy experiencing the follower's perspective. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't in the interest of dancing with guys (though I find Maks on DWTS very sexy and probably wouldn't mind dancing with him) I love dancing with ladies (and particularly enjoyed my first "dirty dancing" experience with a girl at a club last weekend) but my instructor has mentioned that trying to follow makes you a better leader and also I'll be able to better help ladies who ask me to teach them to dance. (which quite a few have) Anyways, back to the issue of cuddling. Yeah, anything that's intimate in a romantic way is reserved for women.

Now even though I'm a virgin let me talk a little more about my sexual experience. I have spent countless hours viewing sex manuals, educational pornography, etc in the interest of learning how to please women. I've also explored my body a lot and learned what pleases me, because if you don't know how is your partner supposed to? So I've masturbated a lot and watched a lot of porn, but even so it's typically as stamina training and I watch lesbian porn because I figure women know how to please other women better then anyone. (not that I don't thoroughly enjoy the education though )

I've also put a lot of effort into doing kegel exercises so I can have non-ejaculatory orgasms and make love to a woman for as long as she and I desire. Unfortunately I haven't got the pc muscles quite strong enough yet but hopefully I'll get there soon. Now on the other front there is this certain activity which is all about my pleasure and which some people (including the friend in question) have told me is "kinda gay". I'm of course referring to anal stimulation. The more I've tried it the more I like prostate stimulation and one of my fantasies is to be fucked with a strap-on by a girlfriend. I've said to these people that tell that sounds gay that I only desire a woman to pleasure me, but they made a good point which I can't ignore...if I'd like being fucked by a plastic dildo why not an actual cock? And I admit, after yesterday's experience I might not be opposed to a guy fucking me anymore...I at least quite liked it when my friend was fingering my ass, if only because it saved my hand from getting all cramped trying to do so myself, lol.

So what do you guys think? As you can see I have a lot of knowledge about sex, just not much practical application other then with myself and now this perhaps one-off experience with another guy. I don't know though, we may try it again. I think I enjoyed it a little more then my friend did but he may have had a psychological block sort of thing going on as he seemed really concerned about us getting caught. Also he didn't care for the involvement of gloves, lube, and condoms and wasn't able to cum actually. I suggested we finish off by doing 69 again (but with condoms on this time so that we didn't cum in each other's mouths) and heck, he wasn't even hard enough to get the condom on, even as we were watching some really hot lesbian porn and I was about to explode. I think he prefers/needs more friction, lol. I on the other hand love the slickness and may have a bit of a glove/latex fetish (perhaps explains why I got hard when the doctor touched me) though I don't need them to cum perse.

Anyways, that should be more then enough info to label me as something

BTW, if you guys are too busy and I won't get many answers here I suppose this could be moved elsewhere. Thanks for your replies Gamer and Eleanor

 

I read elsewhere that there are 13 types of bi-sexual. This one seemed the closest fit...

or you're just a lame male who can't get pussy?

I guess what it comes down to is whether or not in the absence of a female sexual partner I've become desperate and given in to doing stuff with guys to satisfy my sexual urges...or whether I actually have latent homosexual feelings. And the answer to that I'm not sure.

Sure, I'm willing to keep an open mind...but I don't think I'm in denial, well not about being gay at least, perhaps bi-sexual, idk. Now perhaps I'm wrong but I find it hard to believe that I wouldn't enjoy sex with a woman when I get so turned on thinking about it, looking at naked girls, etc. Unless I'm some sort of super freak who's brainwashed himself into being attracted to females to save myself from eternal damnation (sorry, was raised Catholic, don't mean to offend anyone) I'm pretty damn sure I want to spend my life in the company of women. The question is I guess, do I only want to be with women...?

But for now on one of these tests I just took I answered yes (and actually would probably have to say no to the flip side question) to the following 3 which might have had a stronger influence then any of the others (ie have you ever done anything sexually with a member of the same sex? even) and therefore leading to the Kinsey 1 conclusion as opposed to something skewed more homosexual. Here they are...

Note: it said if you haven't actually been with someone just answer what you feel is the best answer.

 

Hmm, those do seem like some valid points Chip...but what about the fact that I'm a virgin and I've felt I could only do this with a friend who was in the same boat as me? Also, you talk about the "idea I might be gay", but at most I'd be bi-sexual, right? I mean it's not going to be a complete 180 from thinking I'm completely straight (or nearly so) to being gay I wouldn't think. I'm far too aroused by women for that to be the case...unless as I suggested it's possible to actually brainwash yourself or whatever, and in that case it's not just my brain but my sexual organ too, lol...it has a mind of it's own, I see pussy and it reacts. Curiously though the woman usually has to be in a naked state for there to be any sort of stirring in the loins due to physical stimulation alone. Is this normal or should I for instance be sprouting boners just seeing a hot woman walk past me on the street? I wonder if porn has desensitized me a bit. I used to be aroused by boobs alone, now it tends to take like explicit porn, such as close up pussy shots.

 

Chip, I read back over your response and there's something I few things I wanted to specifically address...

That's my inclination too, but then what about what my friend that said if you enjoy a finger or toys you'd probably enjoy an actual dick in your ass as well. If a guy is straight is there some sort of mental block that doesn't allow him to find this pleasurable akin to say if a guy were eating out a lesbian...or does the stimulation feel pleasurable regardless of sexual orientations and the source of the stimulation?

I have some reasoning for this as well, but perhaps you'll just think it's another excuse or something. Anyways, another reason I try to avoid the usual hetero porn is because I wish to remain a virgin until marriage and I figure watching intercourse may just elicit further temptation if I ever have the opportunity. So I focus on watching porn that depicts the sort of pre-marital activities I'd like to/be willing to do. Also, I'm not a big fan of usual porn where the guy dominated the girls, the girls fake orgasms, etc. I tend to prefer something more sensual that has some buildup and seems realistic. Lesbian porn gives me this feeling more and in the case of Viv Thomas, his productions are actually called "erotica", which to me has a distinctly different feel. Most of the time I think I'd be the type to "make love a woman" rather then "fuck her", if you get what I mean...

Now here's the odd thing I've discovered recently. I don't really like watching girls giving guys a a bj either. Maybe this is just cause I think I'd prefer to give oral then receive, I'm not sure...however, I was aroused by some videos of girls jerking guys off, which is odd because I said the presence of dicks is a bit of a turn off yet it's more fully in view with a handjob then a bj, lol.

Oh God, I'm such a complex case it seems...

 

Or maybe I'm just not as close-minded as most straight guys. :icon_wink Seriously though, I'd read that prostate orgasms are like g-spot orgasms and the most intensely pleasurable experience there is so why not try it? I wouldn't want to potentially miss out on something great just cause there's a gay stigma attached to it. Now that being said I haven't found it to be all that great by itself yet and haven't been able to cum from prostate stimulation alone, but I've grown to like it more and more...it's a nice sensation and I'm not going to stop just because of the gay stigma. I read this article a while back that I thought would be good for men apprehensive to anal stimulation to take note of...

Article :: Hitting the He-Spot

Some excerpts-

I must say I'm glad to hear that women are getting more involved in helping men to satisfy these desires since I was worried once I finally have a girlfriend she won't be open to the idea of stimulating my ass...

 

Oh God, maybe neither of us are as straight as we thought...

Heh, and I was looking back at our conversation prior to doing anything

Well so much for that...not only did we 69, we put our mouths directly on either others dicks (no condom) :lol: Next thing you know you'll be kissing :dry: Now in regards to anal intercourse...

So how about it, could I still consider myself a virgin and would trying anal intercourse make me any more gay then what we've done already? Afterall Chip said that a straight guy would probably enjoy the sensations just as much as a gay guy and anal stimulation in and of itself isn't "gay" perse...

 

BTW, I think I've decided that I'd like to open this thread up for more public discussion on this forum, so if it's not too much trouble can this thread be moved please? I can't think of anything that I absolutely don't want shared with others (this seems a pretty safe place) and I think it would be too much of a hassle at this point to try copying and pasting selective things anyways, so might as well just move the whole thread if possible

 

Thanks. Actually I haven't masturbated while thinking about sex with him, he has. I on the other hand have just thought about it at random times throughout the day. Which is worse? :lol:

BTW, I just noticed I massively screwed up on anonymousizing that last conversation bit, lol looks like I was talking to myself...should be more like this

 

Ok, responding to sasha's question has made me wonder if or why not the same might be true of men...I mean as a man "men should know what men like", right? :dry: Is this ever a reason for straight men to "convert" or does that idea only apply to girls? I know for us sex is said to be much less of an emotional experience, so it's not like we'd be seeking a guy to satisfy a desire for that but might guys know how to give better hand jobs for instance? My guess is most straight guys don't have a whole lot of practice with bj's and other things though, lol. Then again I would suppose most straight girls don't have much experience eating pussy either, but they know how they like their own stimulated which I guess might transfer over to being a good giver with some practice. Could the same be true of guys for bj's and such?

 

I took chip's advise and tried watching some gay porn, lol...wasn't bad. I definitely prefer girls but I suppose being bi wouldn't be so bad...best of both worlds right? :lol: