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Another thread about pansexuality

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GlindaRose, Jun 10, 2011.

  1. GlindaRose

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    I was prompted to write this post by the earlier thread: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/46838-explaining-pansexual-people.html

    I identify as pansexual but the thread really made me requestion the definitions of pansexual and bisexual. I suppose I am wondering why I choose to identify as pansexual, but am so strongly opposed to people calling me bisexual.

    To clarify, I am not in denial about my sexuality and am comfortable with my attraction to girls. Someone in the above thread said I might be bargaining by calling myself pansexual rather than lesbian, but it doesn't feel like it to me. In fact, I wish that I could just call myself a lesbian with absolute certainty and conviction because it would make things so much easier than having to explain why I identify the way I do.

    A friend of mine said 'You're practically a lesbian because you only ever talk about girls.' When we tried to have a conversation about guys, I was asked to say who I thought was a really hot guy, but found that I couldn't answer. That said, I have a bit of an emotional crush on one of my guy-friends because of his personality and when I think about sex, I think about penises/penetration as well as about girls.

    For some reason I think that I'm one of those people that's going to be attracted to girls all her life, but end up marrying a man, haha. I don't know why though.

    If anyone would be able to help me clarify how I feel, that would be greatly appreciated. It's not so much that I'm 'worried' about it, because I tell myself that I'm comfortable with not being certain, but sometimes I think it would be easier to just know for sure.

    Thanks in advance.
     
  2. Robert

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    I'm new to this whole pansexuality thing but I thought the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality was that pansexuals reject the idea of there being only two genders?

    Bisexuality implies that there are only two genders.


    Am I wrong on this?
     
  3. GlindaRose

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    It's sort of like that, though if you put it exactly in those words you may get some backlash from bisexuals who think you're implying that bisexuals can only love the gender, not the personality. But yes, that is essentially it. I chose to identify as pan but really most of my attraction has been towards girls, except for the one guy I have an emotional crush on. So, heh, I don't know...
     
  4. Filip

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    Well, I don't think I can provide a solution. It's a tough topic and for some reason, I can't quite wrap my mind around it.
    But I'll share some of my ruminations with you and they might be of help! You are also free to enlighten me as to why I totally don't get it :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I think that my main problem with the topic is not so much that I don't grasp pansexuality as that I don't grasp how anyone can NOT be pansexual.

    That is: I identify as gay. In practice, I am mostly attracted to guys. The only people I felt really, deeply, romantically and physically attracted to were guys.
    But here's the thing. They're all guys, but I'm not attracted to them because they're guys. Not to the best of my knowledge, at least. They just happened to be male.

    There's some girls that I came very close to attraction to. On a couple of occasions I found myself wishing that I could just feel that tiny bit more that I feel for my real crushes. I have been known to say "I wish I could be straight for her".
    But then there's that thing again: it wasn't because they were girls. And if it was, it was on a deeply unconscious level.

    So, yeah, I self-identify as gay. Yet, I would never rule out the possibility that there might yet be a girl somewhere that might just have that little extra (and no, I don't mean extra body parts :wink:) to make me really fall for her.

    I don't actually know any genderqueer, transgender or sexually-undefined people, so I don't know how I would react to them. I can't actually find any reason I could not ever feel attracted to them.

    And then also, one should bear in mind that even if I'm gay, I don't feel attracted to a vast array of guys. So when it comes to them, I might be functionally asexual. To some of them, I might feel the same that I've felt for some women: a feeling of being atracted almost, but not quite.


    And I guess I tend to assume most people are like me: not focused on gender, but just with preferences that happen to express themself in gender terms. And in real life, I think gay is as good a label as any to epress that, even if it might, in the full face of inner complexity, be as ridiculous as insisting to apply terms like blonde-sexual or brunette-sexual to guys with a certain preference for haircolour.


    What I'm trying to say is mainly that I don't think it's bad to add clear labels. It's often good enough for people you don't know well. It's nice to sometimes wrap yourself in a label that feels good.
    But real friends are people that you can share the full complexity with, so they should see beyond the labels. The labels don't define you. They just are a good baseline to start off from. Just don't expect to ever be sure about yourself because you labeled yourself. Appreciating the full complexity is more fun anyways.


    And wow, if you read all that and it made sense, I salute you :icon_wink
     
  5. GlindaRose

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    So, for the time being, it might actually be easier (around people I don't know well anyway) to identify as a lesbian? Even if, one day, I did fall hard for a man?

    I have told some of my close friends the complex stuff behind my sexuality, and I think they try to understand it but some of them don't fully get it (Not in a bad way, they're not judgemental, they just assume that I know what I'm talking about so it's fine by them).

    I also just remembered another conversation I had with a friend of mine. It was with regard to being picked up by people at a club. He said something like: "If some guy hits on you in a club, odds are you're not going to be interested, but he's going to keep thinking he has a chance because you identify as pansexual, not lesbian." So I don't know if I'm just making my life more difficult by not having a clear label.
     
  6. Robert

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    OR you could judge each guy separately and make it clear that the ones you dont like dont stand a chance?

    ---------- Post added 10th Jun 2011 at 04:50 PM ----------

    Yeah. Its fustrating isnt it? I experienced something a bit like this before but you cant do much about it except to keep trying to explain yourself to them :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Remember though, not everyone can completely understand everyone else all the time.
     
    #6 Robert, Jun 10, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2011
  7. Chandra

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    This. Even if there were the perfect label to describe you (or anybody), the only way people are going to really get to know what you're all about is to spend time getting to know you. And that goes for pretty much every aspect of life, not just sexuality.
     
  8. Meropspusillus

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    Being sexually and romantically attracted to someone strike me as two very different things. Pansexuality means being sexually attracted to all genders and/or sexes of people. I'm certainly not sexually attracted to people of all genders or sexes.

    As to heatqueen's question: I'm hitting myself as I say this because I don't particularly like the term pansexual, but identify however you want. Maybe I'd label you as bi, but preferring women, or gay with a touch of the straight: Whatever. How I label you doesn't matter, what is most important is that you label yourself in a way that makes you feel the most comfortable and happy. Even if this means don't like labeling yourself (which annoys the heck out of me >_>), then go ahead.

    It's more important that you feel comfortable with your own skin and label than it is that society completely understands that label... >_>